Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 1

Last Friday, I had my third session with my psychotherapist. Sessions usually last for an hour only but last time, we extended it to an hour and a half. We meet outside the clinic, either coffee shops or restaurants. I’d rather have it in a relaxed setting just to ease some tension.

I waited too long to finally accept that I am mentally unstable. I knew something was wrong with me ever since I was a teen but I chose to ignore everything. I thought eventually, I’d come to my senses. But now that I am almost in my 30s, I’ve finally admitted it, I need professional help. I need someone who will assist me throughout the process, someone without bias.

So here I am, seeking professional help currently.

Who would have thought though?

Here’s the truth, and let me say it using also my local language:

When I was younger, I was somewhat a role model especially in the family. Sabi nila (They said) my parents are lucky that they have a daughter like me: achiever, smart, disciplined, kind… all the kind words… and I, being someone who doesn’t want to disappoint my family and my extended family, tried to live that way. Since they expect me to be this person, I lived to be that person. And I wouldn’t lie, the pressure was too much.

Since I was I don’t know, gradeschool, then I went to high school and still, tried to be the person my family wanted me to be, I strived to be good in every way but little by little, i felt like I want to be someone else. Everything was vague. Even who I want to be was vague. Sabi ko sa sarili ko (I told myself), I’m still young, no need to rush, I have a lot of time to figure out what I want. So, for the meantime, I’ll just continue living the old way.

As I grew older, I saw some realities. Hormones were flying, pressure, friendship, boys and girls, material things… All the things that a normal person would see in the real world. And I (stupidly assumed that I was raised like a normal person) wanted to experience those things. So I did what normal person would do, I attempted to experiment.

I talked to people, I tried to go out with friends, I tried to have sleepovers… all the things that a teenager would want to experience but oh boy, before I could even do something, a wall, a big wall would stop me from taking the first step aka my parents, especially my dad. And of course, I, being a respectful kiddo, stopped before I even began.

My friends would do sleepovers all the time. My classmates would have crushes and boyfriends and girlfriends. My friends would all go swimming and malling and I, on the other hand, stayed at home, probably watched tv or looked after the store (we had a small convenience store back then). I was sad of course, because I felt like I was being deprived of somethings… of experiences. But what else was i supposed to do back then, disobey my parents? That was never a choice for me. I couldn’t fend for myself back then. I had nothing. So I just followed what I was told. I thought, it was for the best. I should just trust them and their decisions.

 

To be continued

Advertisements

For My Baby

Does it scare you that I like you so much?
And I will admit you are in my thoughts all day
Does it scare you that I dream about you at night?
And I want to feel your skin into mine

Your hand I want to hold tight
And your hair I want to caress
Your body next to mine would be heaven here on earth
Your lips I want to kiss and your ears I want to nibble playfully

Does it bother you that I feel so much for you
That the whole zoo could fit into my belly when I hear your name
I know I am crazy but I am crazier about you
Who would have thought that someone as cold as me could melt in your hands and love you dearly?

This poem I wrote for you amidst the bubbles in my head
Pardon for not composing a song but the right chords I can’t find yet
Hope my confessions could get through you and stick a love arrow in your heart
For all these words are true, no exaggeration, babe I am madly in love with you.

Start of Something New

The truth is I haven’t opened any of our messages since we stopped talking. I am scared that if I do, I am going to break down. Maybe it’s the closure that we need, that I need. Maybe it’s for the best, para malet go natin yung isa’t isa.

April 2018, roller coaster, you left, I met someone from one of my projects. We talked a couple of times and he helped me even if we (the guy and I) did not end up dating. I wanted to chase him but I told myself I am not going to chase people anymore unless they are really worth it. And I have been that way since… Until this year.

I started talking to this guy, out of boredom. Cool guy, really friendly, but I am not so used to those kind of people. Medyo awkward for me… I stopped talking to him.

February 14, 2019, online si guy, I replied to his last message and asked him about his valentines. So yeah, both of us walang date. We talked the whole day, fun, he’s talkative and accommodating and the more we talked the less awkward it got. We joked about it, being each other’s dates.

Everyday, we talked on the phone and I’ve felt the connection between us. We just clicked. We liked each other but I wasn’t ready yet. I chickened out.

I felt that if one day, you text me or call me, I will still devote my time to you….

The more the guy and I talked the more that I realized it was time that I should give it a shot and I was getting tired of being so afraid… And if I let this person go, I might regret it So we tried and it was one of the best things I did, give it a chance.

October, we are still together and I feel for him everyday, he made me feel alive again just like you did but this time, we are both looking forward to meeting each other. For the longest time, I waited for you, now, I am waiting for someone else who also wants to be with me. I see hope in him, I see a future… And that gave me the strength to take the risk.

A Letter To My Greatest Love

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I wonder where you are, what you do, how you are, who do you love and who’s loving you. You can’t stop me from thinking about you because you’re my greatest love and you will always be.

I felt so lonely when you left, it was a different kind of lonely and I strive to get out of misery.

You’ve been okay dear? I hope so. Even if I’m with someone new now, I can’t help myself from thinking about you now and then. Do not get me wrong, I am madly in love with the guy I am with and I am never letting him go, the way I did with you before. I let you go, because I couldn’t force someone to stay with if they don’t want to. I couldn’t force you to love me if you don’t.

I tried to please you. I tried to be someone you can be proud of. A lot of times feeling ko I wasn’t enough for you, I wasn’t enough for anybody, not for you. I felt like madaming kulang sa akin and wala ako sa level mo, or ng mga ex mo.

Kahit pa sinasabi mo na smart ako, they have all the things that I don’t. I don’t have the material things, ang family ko complete but it’s not as happy as other family, I am not striking or anything. I am an average person and you’re not. You’re better among the rest. Even if you don’t want to accept it. For me, we’re not on the same level. You didn’t make me feel this way, I did this to myself. Ganito ang tingin ko sa sarili ko, I may appear confident but deep inside I felt inferior. Nevertheless, I did everything to make myself worthy of your affection.

I am not going to lie, you leaving me wrecked me really really bad. Nagdamdam ako, tampo syempre. I did not expect you to leave me like I’m just a stranger that you met. I asked myself, “What is so wrong with me that he keeps leaving me behind?” Let’s be honest here, you wanted to stop talking to me multiple times 80% of the time I was begging you not to. Now that I think about it, I was the only one holding and hoping for something good to happen. I did my best to make you stay with me and how I hoped that we would grow and mature and have our journey together.

You left me. I didn’t know where you went, I still don’t know where you are. I cried myself to sleep and I was sad for the longest time. But the silver lining was I focused on my job to forget the pain. I had dogs, I talked to friends, I talked to guys… and now, I’m talking to my boyfriend… who is still out of my league but who loves me even though he knew how wrecked I was before. He loved me despite of the crazy that according to him “oozes out of my pore”

You left but someone new came.. And this new guy loves me and takes care of me. And I could see myself with him for a long time.

I still have no courage to go back to our old conversation and I still don’t know how I would react if one day you call me. Maybe it’s not possible, maybe our paths would never cross again, maybe we would bump at each other at the mall and say hi… Maybe that time, we can be friends… who would never leave each other’s side. Maybe.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 11

Pill Popping

I told my office mates that I’m taking mood stabilizer and I call them as vitamins. I did not lie about them being mood stabilizer, but they are more of anti psychotic drugs. I have been taking pills for two weeks now and I can still feel the size effects: the fuzzy feeling in my stomach and the hand shaking. I feel like my hands are weak all day, all night. But the pros are greater than the cons. Let’s see what the psychiatrist will say about these when I see him.

I had a great weekend. My family and I went tripping to this new subdivision, when I say “new” I mean, new as in still under construction. There were row houses, town and duplex houses for an affordable price. My brother and his wife plan on investing on some properties and i too, thought, if i can afford it, why not invest on it and lease it. That would be an extra income for me now that I’m planning on saving for my future already. Aside from house and lot, we are thinking of buying a new car too, my sister and I will split the payment. It’s something I’m looking forward to achieve before 2019 ends.

My boyfriend and I talked also on the weekends. We surely made time to text and call each other and update each other about work and some personal things. I feel closer to him now. We made up for the busy days and it made me feel so happy that he was around. I feel that our bond is stronger now. I could say things to him and he could say things to me too. We have an open communication and I trust him and myself more now.

I am busy with work but in a good way. My mind is busy but on things that matter. I am currently doing all compliance documents and reports for my exports to USA. Along with these, I got two separate job offers: one is full time, the other one is part time. Blessings are pouring before the month ended and I hope this momentum continues.

Still popping pills but I feel so much better now.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 10

Pill Popping

 

My hands are still shaking and I lost some grip (literally).

Anyway, I have been productive for the past few days and that means the pills are really helping me on my road to healing. On Saturday, I will have my therapy and today, I will be out for official business.

Last night I had a dream about earthquakes and demons but I woke up on the right side of the bed. Although, I have some weird problem right now..l and it is too personal to even share it here… my X drive is so low right now and I find it hilarious and annoying at the same time. I haven’t told my boyfriend yet lol. I read it’s also a side effect.

Yesterday, I told my friends that I want to be alone for the meantime… I don’t feel lonely anymore. I actually feel better, my mood is stable and I’ve been speaking to my parents. I will try to convince them to let me have my own place, maybe now they will understand why. And, my sis and I are looking for a car. We’re going to buy it as a birthday gift to ourselves. It’s always good to treat oneself sometimes, yeah?

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day because I think today is going to be a good day for me. Let’s go kill it! 🙂

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 9

Popping Pills

 

Day x of Pill-popping and my mood is stable at the moment. I feel funny in my stomach and my hands are trembling badly. Other than these, I feel just fine.

I knew I’d undergo medication as soon as I have those bad thoughts again. I have a therapy this Saturday (counselling) and I will tell my therapist that I went to a psychiatrist for a prescription, which I think really helped the past few days.

I am not going to lie, I got a bit scared the first time I took the medicines but I’ll be honest, I slept like a baby although I would wake up with a dry mouth and throat; side effects.

During the day, my hands will shake and I’d feel weak, still side effect. I can manage all these. I also trip a lot of times, seeing flashing things on my right eye, side effect. Other than these, I feel fine and I am still productive at work. As long as I don’t have the suicidal behavior or bad thoughts, I will be okay. I am okay.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 8

Popping Pills

My mouth is dry, my stomach feels weird and fuzzy, and I feel sleepy. My hands shake sometimes too. If these are the side effects of my medicines, I think I’ll be alright. Except for the sleepy part, I need to stay awake because I have things to do at work too.

I’m half asleep while I’m typing this.

I took both Valproic Acid and Escitalopram after lunch. I didn’t feel anything except I wanted to sleep. I actually passed out at 4 (I wasn’t planning to take a nap) then my brother woke me up, and I asked him the time, he said it’s six o’clock and I asked where our mom is. He said she’s coming home late. I said okay.

I asked myself why she left early. I thought it was already 6 in the morning and thought I should get up for work. I looked for my dog under the bed (cause he likes to sleep under the bed) then a couple of minutes after I realized, it’s 6PM and i’m off for the whole day. The whole night I felt disoriented and confused and I did not have enough energy to complete all the chores.

I fed, walked and cleaned the dogs, I ate a sandwich, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and took olanzapine and biperiden hydrochloride. As instructed by the doctor, I should take a tab after dinner and i should already be asleep in two hours. If I’m still awake, I should take half a tab of olanzapine. I wouldn’t lie, I got a little scared. What if I get allergic reaction or the meds don’t work for me and I get pretty bad side effect? But I told myself, I should trust the psychiatrist, he knew what he’s doing. I was awake for another 30 mins. I didn’t feel funny or anything, I just slept normally.

I woke up at around 12 midnight and my mouth was super dry, my throat was dry too. Maybe it’s the side effect, I went back to sleep. Next thing I knew, it was already 6:30 in the morning (the alarm woke me up)… I slept like a baby! I couldn’t hear or feel anything at all. My sis would normally go in the room and I’d wake up but that didn’t happen. If my alarm didn’t ring, I would be asleep until noon. I woke up and I felt like floating a bit. I was hungry too.

I went back to work, like the usual and reviewed all the things that need to be done. I ate a sandwich and took my medicines. Again, I felt super sleepy and a bit nauseous, but as I said, it’s manageable. My mind didn’t feel restless or anything. I felt normal. I have to take the medicines for 14 days and then see the doctor for consultation and follow up check up.

To be continued (My diagnosis)