Last Friday, I had my third session with my psychotherapist. Sessions usually last for an hour only but last time, we extended it to an hour and a half. We meet outside the clinic, either coffee shops or restaurants. I’d rather have it in a relaxed setting just to ease some tension.
I waited too long to finally accept that I am mentally unstable. I knew something was wrong with me ever since I was a teen but I chose to ignore everything. I thought eventually, I’d come to my senses. But now that I am almost in my 30s, I’ve finally admitted it, I need professional help. I need someone who will assist me throughout the process, someone without bias.
So here I am, seeking professional help currently.
Who would have thought though?
Here’s the truth, and let me say it using also my local language:
When I was younger, I was somewhat a role model especially in the family. Sabi nila (They said) my parents are lucky that they have a daughter like me: achiever, smart, disciplined, kind… all the kind words… and I, being someone who doesn’t want to disappoint my family and my extended family, tried to live that way. Since they expect me to be this person, I lived to be that person. And I wouldn’t lie, the pressure was too much.
Since I was I don’t know, gradeschool, then I went to high school and still, tried to be the person my family wanted me to be, I strived to be good in every way but little by little, i felt like I want to be someone else. Everything was vague. Even who I want to be was vague. Sabi ko sa sarili ko (I told myself), I’m still young, no need to rush, I have a lot of time to figure out what I want. So, for the meantime, I’ll just continue living the old way.
As I grew older, I saw some realities. Hormones were flying, pressure, friendship, boys and girls, material things… All the things that a normal person would see in the real world. And I (stupidly assumed that I was raised like a normal person) wanted to experience those things. So I did what normal person would do, I attempted to experiment.
I talked to people, I tried to go out with friends, I tried to have sleepovers… all the things that a teenager would want to experience but oh boy, before I could even do something, a wall, a big wall would stop me from taking the first step aka my parents, especially my dad. And of course, I, being a respectful kiddo, stopped before I even began.
My friends would do sleepovers all the time. My classmates would have crushes and boyfriends and girlfriends. My friends would all go swimming and malling and I, on the other hand, stayed at home, probably watched tv or looked after the store (we had a small convenience store back then). I was sad of course, because I felt like I was being deprived of somethings… of experiences. But what else was i supposed to do back then, disobey my parents? That was never a choice for me. I couldn’t fend for myself back then. I had nothing. So I just followed what I was told. I thought, it was for the best. I should just trust them and their decisions.
To be continued