Debut et Fin

I’ve been seated for an hour and I just reached three stations from the office. The traffic jam is getting worse everyday especially during Fridays. People are heading either north or south, excited to leave the city life temporarily. Just for two days, away from the noise and heat, away from the busy streets of the city, away from this never ending traffic.

Three hours more”, I thought to myself as I watch the slapstick comedy aired on the bus’ tv. Honks are heard everywhere as majority of the public vehicles are trying to steal one another’s spaces. Sudden brake, people lost their balance, some are losing their cool.

“Oh my god!” shouted the lady, maybe on her 30s, with her class A purse. “I almost fell!”

Yep, almost but you didn’t. I thought to myself. I watched my co-passengers’ reactions. The murmuring continued for some minutes, a couple of more complains then silence.

I just passed by the fifth station and the TV lost its signal.I turned my data on and tried to watch animal videos by my signal is crappy as well. Turned on the music, every commuter’s best friend during traffic hours, and listen to some Panic at the D!sco.

Rain started to pour down. It’s my least favorite weather. My mood suddenly changed. I’m as gloomy as the weather. I’m currently listening to Sex and Candy. Slight headache, I can’t sleep either. The rain is keeping we awake.

“Hanging round, downtown by myself

And I had so much time to sit and think about myself…

and there he was…

My eyes met his eyes.

We had a stare showdown for about five seconds

…like double cherry pie

He waved from the other bus and we still stared at each other and I know I am not giving up

…there he was…

I waved back with no expression at all and he painted a smile.

…like disco superfly…

I’m too bored that I even waved back at him.

It’s as if we were having a stare showdown.

I smell sex and candy here

Who’s that lounging in my chair

Who’s that casting devious stare

In my direction

“This is crazy.” I thought to myself. I looked away and closed my eyes.

…Mama this surely is a dream

Two minutes passed and I checked him out. He was still staring thus catching me checking up on him.

He held a piece of paper this time

Hi” it said

I drew a big question mark on my window.

He flashed another piece of paper

“Going home?”

I didn’t bring my notepad with me so I reached for my phone and wrote

“No. Why?”

Rain started to pour heavily and my vision of him slowly faded. I can only see the rain now.

I’ve always hated the sound of the rain, even the sight of it pisses me off. I love the cold but I hate the gloomy feeling that goes with it. It’s as if the skies are crying.

We reached the sixth station, one and half hour of travel time. I wore my jacket cause the cold has spread down my spine. I looked at my window to get a view of the street until a familiar bus blocked my scenery.

It’s him again. What a bother. His bus is three feet away from ours. I can see a clear view of him this time. Fair skin, wavy hair, good built, nose is high but he has a pair of dull eyes, bushy but neat eyebrows… every girl’s dream guy but not mine… I don’t have any.

I tried to not pay attention but i can still see him on my peripheral vision. He’s knocking on his window. What crazy idiot would do that? I thought. I can hear the girls from front seat giggling. Yeah yeah, he’s trying to get your attention, you sluts. You get all giddy when you see someone good looking.

He would not give up, still knocking on his window.

I wrote a big question mark on my window again. He showed me his phone and gestured me to activate my share it application. I shook it off. I don’t talk to strangers let alone receive unknown files from them, might be a virus or god forbid, photos of their downstairs… if you know what i mean.

He doesn’t look like a pervert. He actually looks really decent but still, even if you trust God, you still have to lock your doors.

I ignored him for a minute and the he goes again… knocked on his window pointing at his phone. At this point, I already activated my app, and received a note.

I looked at him and he flashed that smile again. He dropped me another note.

“Read the first note, silly.”

I opened the first note.

“It’s you, right? I hope it’s you. Nice jacket! So, where are you heading?”

I dropped him a note.

“It’s me… Heading north.. somewhere north.”

The vehicles started moving again. Still heavy traffic and my lane is slow. His bus moved along but I can still see it nearby. I closed my curtain.

My phone vibrated. Another file request.

“Yeah me too. North. Let’s talk?”

“You need a hobby, obviously, what a bother.”

“Open your curtain party pooper”

“It is open.”

I lied through my teeth.

“You can’t lie, for real. Come on. Open your curtain. Your bus is next to mine.”

“They are open.”

“Your curtain is blue, right? The open curtains are yellow, ones in the front seat.”

“Fine.”

He is in close proximity. His username still appears. Have I told you his username? Not yet? Okay, his username is “Andromeda”. Science, bitch!

When I opened my window, I saw his bus next to mine again. What’s more surprising is the jacket he is currently wearing… he wore a shirt before… and this jacket is strikingly similar to mine… only a shade lighter.

I dropped him a note.

“Nice jacket. Where did you get them?”

“Probably where you got yours.”

“I doubt it.”

Talking to him isn’t bad at all. The bus  moved again. My lane is faster this time. His was slow though. I don’t know if he will be able to keep up with me. I lost him on my radar.

Fifteen minutes of peace. Signal is amazing and the rain stopped pouring too. Travel should be easier from here. Medium traffic and people dropping off. The isle is not as crowded as before.

It’s almost 7 p.m and I’m starting to feel hungry. Two stations more until I reach the terminal. The bus slowed down then stopped. There’s a little accident on the road, motorcycle vs. a cab. I wonder if somebody died.

“Have you seen the accident?”

Another note arrived. We’re back at it again. This guy keeps me company.

“Yeah. I wonder if the drivers are okay.”

Another file arrived, a photo this time. I was hesitant to open it but curious.

BLOOD, GORE, DEBRIS.

“You’re a fucking ass.”

No warning, no heads up.

“I thought you’d like them.”

He sent the photo of the accidents.

“So you don’t like gore?”

“They’re fine.”

“It’s cold right? We’re gonna be stuck here for long so don’t be as cold as the weather.”

“It’s cold. I’m cold literally and figuratively and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“I figured, hence the jacket.”

“Ha! funny.”

“What kind of  movies do you like? Romance, comedy?”

“Everyone loves comedy… I like thriller, suspense. I hate romance.”

“Well, I like classic movies. I like musicals. Anything with music actually”

“Ha! I see. I guess you like blue’s clues.”

“I love blue’s clues. I even have Steve’s shirt”

“Wuss.”

I love blue’s clues too.

“I would guess that your name is Mary but you don’t look like a Mary to me.”

“Yeah. I’m not a Mary. But you’re definitely a Rob.”

“Wrong. I’m not a Rob. Not close.”

“But you’re a Rob to me.”

“And I shall call you Mary from now on… So Mary, you like suspense huh? What’s your favorite movie?”

“I don’t have one. I don’t have favorites.”

“How about let’s kill some time and play a game?”

“Negative. I’m close to my station.”

“As I said, it will take long. The vehicles are barely moving”

“Whatever.”

“I’m guessing your favorite movie is Fight Club?”

“Good guess.”

I’m actually impressed that this guy knows Fight Club. I actually like that movie, but not my favorite.

“I told you I don’t have favorites but I like it.”

“Your turn to guess or ask”

“Guess what? Is this the game you’re talking about?”

“Yeah. We’re going to figure each other out. You can lie but that ain’t fun.”

“You wouldn’t know.”

“Come on. Try one”

“You’re an extrovert.”

“No. I’m neither. I’m an ambivert. I’m a balanced person.”

“Ah. Cool stuff.”

“You’re an introvert. Cold lady.”

“Damn right, boy.”

“You like sweets. Ice cream perhaps?”

“Who doesn’t love ice cream though? What kind of freak…”

“Me. I am that freak haha!”

“I know. I can tell. You’re a savory guy then. I bet you like burgers.”

“Yes. Double patties, with bacon and some other meat, salami for example.”

“Never had salami. But that sounds like cholesterol… your kind of burger.”

“I’m healthy. I may look sickly but I actually am sooo healthy.”

“Right.”

One file received. Another photo.

He sent me a selfie. No smile. Poker face.

Another file received.

Another selfie… He is smiling this time.

He is now the creepy guy who sends selfies to stranger. I haven’t even asked for his name yet.

“Two selfies for a stranger. Must be so confident.”

“Not really. I don’t look that bad right?”

“No, you don’t”

I may be cold but I am quite honest.

No response for another 3 mins. He may not be in close proximity. The vehicles moved too. The sky is clear and the traffic went from heavy to medium. There is a slight improvement. 12 minutes of travel and I reached the next station. One station more and I’ll transfer. I feel quite exhausted so I rested for a bit. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. Although I can’t see a thing, I can hear the people saying excuse me, let me through to one another. Some complaining, some quietly walking out. The bus dropped some people and picked up another batch, just like the usual.

It’s almost 7:30 and past my dinner. I hope they still have my favorite sandwich at 711. As soon as I reach my next stop, I’ll treat myself a crappy bacon clubhouse.

40% battery is sufficient until I reach my destination. I just need to save it for now. I still need to listen to music even if I’m low on battery.

…Sudden brake. I dropped my phone. What happened this time? You know what, I don’t even want to know. I just want to rest on my bed and I couldn’t wait.

…phone vibrates.

One file received… Another note.

“Hey! I’m back.”

What are you? How can the world be so little?

“Yeah. How did you manage to find me?”

“Ah… I just passed by your bus. I love this app though! The range is amazing.”

“Indeed it is.”

“I’m actually starving… I’ve been on the bus for too long.”

“So am I. Everyone is.”

“Let’s continue our little guessing game shall we? I’ll go again… You like girls…”

Of all the questions in the world, why this again.

“You’re not asking me right? You’re telling me.”

“So, you like girls huh?”

“Yes.”

“That explains it.”

“That explains what?”

“You being so cold to me. LOL! Just kidding!”

“Why would I even be warm…forget it. You’re a womanizer.”

“Incorrect. Guess again.”

“Oh. I see.”

“You see what?”

“You.”

He looked out his window and saw me giving him the thumbs down. He looked puzzled for what the thumbs down was for and drew a big question mark on his window and I just shrugged.

“Enough of this now. I’m exhausted.”

“Ah… you’re the kind of girl who just flies away!”

“Ah… you’re the kind of guy who thinks he can figure people out by speaking to them once.”

“Oooooh… shots fired.”

“Did I hit my target?”

“Sure, if you see an X mark on my face… You sure hit your target.”

“Yes. You got a big X on your face, how could you not know?”

“Cause I haven’t been hit by anyone… ever.”

“Oh wow. Why? For some reason, I don’t believe you.”

“Why? You’re Ms. Y from now on.”

“And you’re Mr. X.”

The traffic went from medium to light. I can feel the bus moving faster than before. No response from Mr. X. I can’t see his account on my share it home. I lost him now.

There will be a quick stop in 100 meters to drop off some people and hopefully, the travel goes smoothly from there.

No more people on the isle this time and some seats on the bus emptied but there are a few people who filled in the seats afterwards.

This by far is one of my longest travel from the office to the terminal. In approximately 10 minutes I’ll be reaching my stop. I can feel the exhaustion from every muscle in my body. This will be over soon, I thought to myself. I can already see my stop from 15 meters away.

“Hey you! Found you again.”

I didn’t respond.

“You’re headed to the terminal, right? My bus is next to yours. I can see your window.”

I kept my curtains closed… As soon as this bus pulls over, I’m out of here.

“Ms. Y. I’m at the stop right now. I’m quite hungry. Want to go get something to eat first before we part ways?”

Still, no response from me.

“Don’t fly away now.”

“I won’t.” I respond.

“Good. On the shed then. I’ll be there.”

The bus pulled over and I dropped off. Carefully blending among other commuters, I walked past the shed and to my bus station. I don’t know where he or if he really was at the shed. I bought a ticket and wait for the bus heading north to arrive.

I was supposed to get my sandwich from 711 but I’m avoiding that guy right now. Guess I’ll settle with crackers and aloe.

I’m hoping he was bluffing when he said he is on the shed… and I hope he isn’t waiting for me now. My bus arrived and I settled on my seat. I turned my music on, listened to La Vie En Rose. Few vendors went inside the bus and sold beverages, fruits and chips of all sort. One even offered me an orange for free to which I refused politely.

I fixed my things and adjusted my seat when another vendor offered me an apple, for free, again to which I also refused. The night has been weird for me. Another lady went inside the bus and started offering pies. She walked to me, smiled and handed me a paper bag which has a bacon sandwich and a cup of coffee, French Vanilla. Before I even asked what’s going on, she walked out without another word. She also left a single note on the empty seat beside me….

“I knew you’d bail out.”

 

Rob’s POV.

First, my name is neither Rob nor Mr. X. And your username is funny. “Shewolf”. Is there a shewolf in the closet?

It was certainly not the first time that I saw you or talked to you. I guess you’re not very observant. 

Do you remember that time when you were out late at night walking home with a bottle of wine? You didn’t even bother to hide it inside a paper bag. Then the next day you were at 711 buying cheap coffee, French Vanilla. You didn’t look so good back then. Did you sleep well or did you even sleep at all? Your hands were shaking and couldn’t even seal your coffee, that’s why I capped it for you.

A couple of days after, you went drinking early in the morning, vodka this time. I mean, who replaces coffee with vodka? I know someone who does that, you. And you even had the courage to go to work (I assume because you were bringing your laptop with you) afterwards looking buzzed as fuck, can’t even walk straight you duckling. Let me clarify that, I compared your walk to a duckling’s, I didn’t say you look like a duckling.

I was there, watching you. But don’t think I’m a creep. It just so happened that we were at the same place, at the same time, both of us.

I often see you walking past my apartment at 5:30, I assume you’re going home. I never knew which street you lived though.

For the past two years, I looked at you in a distance. You must really like that jacket you’re wearing right now. It suits you, however, I wish you wear colors other than black, grey and white. But that’s your style, who am I to tell you what to wear.

I’m curious about a few things too… I’m not trying to be intrusive… But how did you lose so much weight? You also chopped your hair off before Christmas… The morning, your hair was extending to your back. In the afternoon, it’s above the shoulder. Why? Also, when did you lose the twinkle in your eyes…  I used to call you smiley but one day, you just became the poker face that you are today. Still, your eyes are smiling even if you look sad… But the sad smile, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I still can’t see you as someone named Mary, mainly because of your alcohol problems. And don’t even deny it. Don’t worry, I am not judging you based on your choices, I’m not judging you at all. But, what if your name were really Mary? That would be awesome, I guess. I’ve got a little secret though, I once tried to ask the service crew about your name but none of them knew. Two years of getting breakfast from the same store and they still don’t know your name? You’re trying to be mysterious, I guess… And you’re succeeding so far.

One more thing: you have a bad habit of texting while walking. Don’t you know that it’s dangerous to text and walk especially when there are cars and drivers who drive like they own the place? Also, you don’t own the street, missy. Smiling like an idiot whilst looking at your phone? Who is it that you’re texting? Can’t you not wait until you get home? Or he or she gives you the chill so much that you can’t even hide it? Your boyfriend? Ha! You have a boyfriend right… or a girlfriend perhaps.

Last thing, I’m not going to see you again, right? You packed your things. You have your suitcase with you. I saw you take that bus earlier and you looked sad and relieved at the same time. You know I wanted to help you because your things looked heavy but I am afraid that you might punch me in the face. Kidding, of course. Are you relocating or are you going home…for good? Either, I hope you become happy… I might have become more curious than I should have been, and I apologize. Curiosity kills the cat they say. And I don’t want to die, yet. 

It was wonderful to watch you from a distance, missy. Guess I’ll find another hobby from now on. 

Mary’s POV

You’re a bother but I am not complaining.

It’s one of the longest and the weirdest trips of our lives, don’t you agree? I wonder how many times you did something like this in the past: talking and bothering a stranger on a traffic jam.

Anyway, I don’t know you but you look familiar. Maybe you’re one of those who also take the bridge in the morning or afternoon, because I do also. Maybe you’re one of those faces who appear in my dream. Maybe you are just another face. I don’t know.

I impressed that you knew I was going to bail out. Am I missing something here? If you knew I was going to bail out, why bother though? And you even gave me food. It was you, right? You told the lady to hand me the coffee and the bread. If you knew where I was, why didn’t you hand it to me yourself? It was weird though. How could you possibly know what I like or maybe you just know how to pick random stuff… Could it be… You’re not possibly a stalker, right… Agree with me. I know you’re not because of all the people, why would you choose to stalk me? Don’t worry I’m not flattering myself. And about the jacket, we probably didn’t get it from the same store. I’m 90% sure.

I congratulate you for keeping up with me even for a short time. To be honest, I can’t even stand myself sometimes. And by the way, I want to recognize the fact that you’re quick. You are quick to assume that I’m someone who just flies away, and you know, I admit, you’re right about that. It amazes me how people can easily assume things about other people and get it right. But also, some assumptions can make you look like a fool sometimes. That’s why I don’t assume things.

We’re not going to see each other again. I’m heading north for good. I am going to leave the city life so this is our first and last encounter I guess. Pity we didn’t make the most out of it because I got a little curious about you. Not like I want to know you better, I just have a couple of questions.

Where are you heading and why did you wait for me on the shed? If you saw me walking, why didn’t you approach me? Is it because like me, you are not curious enough to exert effort on chasing someone? If that’s the case, it’s just fair for me to not feel bad for what I did. Besides, I did not promise anything.

And I didn’t have the chance to tell you this but I like your tattoo. Yes, I saw it earlier when you waved at me. That’s an anchor on your arm, right? I always wanted to get one but I’m scared that I might want to get it removed someday. I don’t want something permanently tagged on me.

I want to tell you a little secret, it’s not like we know each other right. Don’t worry, it’s not saucy or anything. One morning, I was hungover and I went to 711. I ordered coffee, French Vanilla. I went to fill my cup (it was self-service) and bam, I spilled it a little, went over the rim of the cup. I drank too much the night before that everything I see was hazy. Aside from that, I couldn’t even hold the cup properly because my hands were shaking. Of course, I’m going to take the cup to my office and I need to cap it, right? I tried at least three times, at this point, I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do it so I kept doing it until a guy came over and capped it for me. He also had a tattoo on his arm. I didn’t really see the design clearly because obviously, I was so hungover and I wasn’t on the right state of mind. I don’t even know if I thanked him for helping me. But I really hope I did. But if I didn’t, well, I want to say thank you for helping me that morning…  Yes. You. You were that guy, right? I realized it just now that I’m sipping the coffee you bought me. That’s the reason why you know what kind of cheap coffee I like. I hope it’s not too late to thank you for the kind gesture. Both for capping my coffee before and this.

While it’s true that I bailed out but it was a hell of a ride and you can’t deny that we killed some time, boy. I hope it doesn’t offend you when I call you that. And by the way, you can laugh all you want but my name is really Mary.

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Bucket List

My life gets dull sometimes. Doing the same things over again, watching the same shows, singing the same songs. Everything I do is like a routine. Even my weekend activities are predictable. And I have realized that I have so many things that I want to experience. I have too many fears that I need to conquer. I want to experience things that make sense, and some others that really don’t and just for fun.

After watching the movie “Bucket List”, I was inspired to do my own. I realized that I should never wait for the time when i wouldn’t be able to use my strength anymore. Or I get really sick and old.

Disclaimer: My list does not include charity works and the like. It’s mostly fun activities. Others are not very attainable but I don’t care.

1. Do a 10-meter high dive jump.

I am not a good swimmer. I can only do freestyle swimming and I’ve never done a good breaststroke swimming. I tried once for an exam and it made me look like a drunk dude swimming frog-style, no coordination at all. And I have given up on that. But I am always fascinated by heights. I have done  and stuff. I like water slides too but i have never done a high dive jump. I do not know how to dive but I certainly want to try that out. Jumping and diving is not the problem here, the problem is my fear of drowning when i hit the water. It looks scary and fun at the same time. But i guess I have to conquer my fear of drowning.

2. Sky Dive

Like the birds in the sky, I want to fly too. I want to experience how to glide in the air. So many times i have dreamed about flying and seeing the world up there and it looked beautiful. I want to experience fresh air on my face and the feeling of clouds hitting my skin that riding a place could not provide.

Sky Diving is the closest i could get to flying and even if I need to gather all the courage i need, i will and it will be worth it.

3. Learn Mix Martial Arts

I am enticed by martial artists and i want to be one of them. But i am not healthy enough to try it. Small movements and i get dizzy. Not afraid to get hurt but I cannot do big movements else I will collapse.

Not that i am a violent person but i want to learn MMA for self-defense as well. i have encountered crazy people and the world can be scary for weak people. That’s why i want to learn MMA too. To defend myself and to show off (a little) and be like, “You didn’t expect that, did you?!”. I am considering learning but I need to improve my health first. Then will decide from there.
4. Sing live on the stage

I have social anxiety but I would lie if i have never fantasized singing live on stage. I can sing but it’s really bad. I am not even comfortable singing in the bathroom. I am too scared that people will hear me and make fun of me.

I hate being on the spotlight too but it will be cool if I get to try it once before I get old. I don’t even like people staring at me cause i feel like they will criticize every part of me but i am curious of how it would feel if people actually see you as a fun and entertaining person.

Confidence is the key here.

5. Ice Skate and Ski

I have never tried ice skating. And it’s been many times that I wanted to go but i don’t want to go alone. Although there skating rinks at malls, that’s not really where I want to skate. I want to skate on real, mother nature ice. I want to go to a place where it snows, build a snowman, skate even if i fall hard and do skiing. I like cold temperature. It would be nice to play and lay on ice and be a kid.

6. Pet big cats.

I am a dog person but I like cats too. Big cats. I want to pet tigers and lions and cheetahs. I want to become a big cats whisperer. I want to tame them. I want to go to africa where you can meet them face to face. I saw this video where a tourist met a cheetah face to face and I got jealous. I want that kind of encounter too. They may look fierce and scary to other people but whenever i see them, i just want to pet them and cuddle with them. I don’t want to get devoured though! but if shit happens and i get eaten, i’ll still be happy. meat for big cats. lol

7. Camp in the wild.

Never went camping. The only camping I know is camping inside the blanket. I never experienced outdoor activities when i was a kid. it was always the amusement parks and i don’t even like amusement parks.

I want to go on a real camping. Build a tent, light fire, and survive in the wild. I want to hunt my own food and cook them on bonfire. i will do s’mores too. I want a day away from modern technology, noise, pollution and people. I want to try living where you have to work for everything. I am so used to instant products and I need a change.
8. Live for a week as the modern Eve.

This sounds crazy but I want to live as the modern Eve. Of course this will be on a remote area. I want to try living where I do not have to worry about how i look, about what to wear. Eve wore leaves and so will I.

I want to be close to nature too. Live with animals and plants. Eat healthy food, bathe from rivers, sleep on the ground, shower in the rain. All the things that you wouldn’t experience in the busy city.

I want to relive the simplest lifestyle where you don’t have much to worry about.

9. See northern lights.

It is one of the most majestic things I have ever seen on the internet. Northern Lights (Aurora lights) show up on icy places and of course there’s not way they will be visible here in the Philippines. I am fascinated by lights. They form shapes which is amazing. And the different colors that flows and moves in the sky look really pretty in my eyes. Nature can offer so much to us. I have seen sunrise and sunsets and they are beautiful. I have seen northern lights on videos and i told myself, one day, i will see them myself and i will live the moment, not just film it.

10. Hike and watch the stars up from a mountain.

One of the most tiring I have done was a two-kilometer walk, straight path. In the future i want to hike up a mountain and take a step further. I cannot do wall or mountain climbing because my upper body is not that strong but I think i can do hiking. Aside from it’s a good exercise, it’s good to experience nature too. I want to reach the peak of the mountain and watch the stars from there. I have seen stars of course, but it would be different if i will feel closer to them. Stars are beautiful. Even if I don’t know much about constellations, i really do appreciate them.

11. Go to a Shakira concert and have her autograph. If not Shakira, I would love to meet Angelina Jolie too.

I like Shakira since gradeschool. I even had a cassette tape of her songs. I am in my 20s now and I still listen to her songs. She is pretty, she is talented and she looks like a kind person.

When i signed up to facebook, her page was the first page I liked. That’s how much of a fan I am. If i will have the opportunity to watch one of her concerts, I will and will make sure to get her autograph too. And probably have it framed.

If I will not be able to watch her concert live or get an autograph, there’s another celebrity that i want to meet in person, Angelina Jolie. Need not to make it long, she’s an ambassador. She’s one of the kindest people you’ll ever hear of.
Doing charity works since forever, adopting kids, being an ambassador plus a huge star in hollywood, there’s no need to explain why.

12. Watch Forensics Experts do their jobs.

I love murder series, live or anime. But I am much more fascinated by forensic experts. To be able to support or negate theories, to be able to analyze evidence and solve crimes, to be able to do so much using science, these are just some of their expertise.

These are people with creative minds, they know how to connect the dots. They are simply amazing. I am one of those who appreciate their talents. And it would be nice if i get to see them in action.

13. Visit a mental asylum.

I originally wanted to become a psychologist. For me, human behavior and human minds are fascinating.

i want to visit a mental asylum not because i want to mock people who act differently but i want to have a close encounter with them. I want to know if they are that different from us and how are they different.

I am certain that most people will choose to visit the home for the aged or the orphanage but i want to go on a different path, i want to visit these mentally challenged people because like us, they need attention too. Maybe we can offer something to help them. Who knows. Maybe I can do something too.

14. Go somewhere far and pretend to be a different person.

What if i am a different person? Will i be happier? i want to answer that question.

There are things in life that I cannot have and the least I can do is to fantasize about them. I want to experience being a different person, i want to be someone i can never be and i want to do something that the real me will never do.

i want to pretend as somebody else and see how it will feel. i don’t intend to fool people. i am just curious of how they will treat me if i, let’s say, am a surgeon not an accountant. will they show warmth, be friendly, or neutral? i am curious.

15. Go fishing in the ocean.

As i have said, i am not a good swimmer and i don’t go near bodies of water often. But i would like to spend time on water and go fishing. i want to catch a big fish but will release it afterwards. Maybe catch small ones too and bring them home and cook them. i would want to enjoy being on water too. maybe, just maybe, if i spend more time, i will be at ease.

16. Dye my hair galaxy Style

i don’t want to go crazy on my hair. i am too scared to look like a clown or regret it afterwards. But i really really want to have that galaxy hair color. it looks pretty on other people but i am not sure if it will look good on me. it’s purple and blue, and green, like the color of the universe. i have really dark hair and i have to bleach it first. Dyeing is not the problem, the problem is i don’t want to bleach my hair cause it will surely damage it. So maybe in the future… or maybe not.

17. Fire a gun and Swing a sword

I am pro-gun. i actually want to have one in the future. guns are not scary, irresponsible people who own them are. i may have one in the future but if it can’t happen, i want to at least try to fire one, in the gun range. i heard the adrenaline rush is crazy.

Aside from firing a gun, I want to swing a real sword too. i do not know if it’s the effect of watching too much movies or game of thrones but i really want to swing one. it would feel like i am a warrior and that sounds thrilling to me.

18. Get a tattoo.

I love arts including body art and i am not afraid of needles. for now, it would be impossible to get inked but in the future, if i still find them attractive i’ll probably get one.

The reason I am holding back is that I don’t want to have something permanent on my skin and regret it afterwards. Laser treatments are expensive too.

I am neither pro or anti tattoo, i appreciate them and i think they look awesome. Still 50:50 on this.

19. Enjoy street food in New York, not giving a fuck.

I want to eat big slices of pizza, real american burgers, and sodas in the streets of New York. I love food. I want to eat and not give a fuck. Even if it will make me gain weight, or it has bad cholesterol, i wouldn’t mind. Food is one of the best things in life and I want to enjoy it.

20. Drive like I am a star in the Fast and the Furious.

I am not obsessed with cars, to be honest. but I want one of course.

Even if I am not a racer, i want to try driving like one. i know it’s really dangerous and i might get hurt but i still want to try.

21. Plant a fire tree and watch it grow.

Big tree with red leaves. It looks so alive. The moment i saw one, i fell in love with it. i have never seen a tree so alive until i saw a fire tree. And in the future, hopefully, I can grow one in my backyard.

…Fire trees remind me of someone too. 🙂

22. Publish a book

I have written scripts, poems, short stories and articles but i have never published a book.
In this book, i want to write all the things i have done and those i wanted to but haven’t. i want to write how fun life is, how it doesn’t make sense sometimes. i want to write all the lessons i have learned and those things that i want other people to know. I am not a writer, i didn’t have formal training but I have a lot to say too.

basically, i will publish this when i am really old. it’s my journal.

The list goes on and on and i might want to do some more in the future and i may not be able to do all of the things above but there’s one thing i want to make sure to accomplish in the future.

i do not know if i will get married and have a family. i do not know when will i start crossing things off of my list and i haven’t even mentioned if i will do all these things alone or if i’ll be with someone.

in the future, i want to check this last item on the list, twenty-third and the most important… is 23. to meet you and hopefully, accomplish all these things together…. Will you be the Adam and accompany Eve? I will be ready… Whenever you are ready. 🙂

Paying It Forward

All of us have dreams in life. Others want to become successful singers. Others want to become successful animators. Others want to become certified public accountants, doctors, engineers or chef. Others want to become millionaires. Others want to travel the world. But when we achieve our goals in life, what comes next?

We are living in a material world. Naturally we want material things. We want big houses, high salaries, cars, gourmet food, best lifestyles. We want to receive the best things in life but oftentimes, we forget to give back.

I will not deny, I want to have material things too. It’s not me being materialistic, it’s me wanting to have resources. But I am not asking for too much. I do not need to have that much. I just want to have a convenient lifestyle where I do not have to worry about bills and savings.

When that day comes, what will i do next? I haven’t given a single thought about it… I have been thinking about earning and receiving a lot, but what can I give in return?

I was talking to someone special to me and he told me about his dreams. He always shares what he plans for the future. I am very aware that he wants to build his own company, gaming company. And he is starting to live his dream.

He is not materialistic. He doesn’t wish for big houses or expensive cars. Like me, he just wants to live comfortably. He doesn’t even like buying expensive things. He spends his money wisely and it’s seldom that he buys something for himself. Simple but comfortable lifestyle, that’s what he wants.

It will be ironic though. If he becomes the CEO of his own company, he will certainly earn a lot. He will rise into fame. He doesn’t like to be in the spotlight. He even feels anxious when he sees camera lens. But even so, he still wishes for a simple life.

Yes, he wants to earn a lot but not because he loves money but because he has a bigger plan in the future. Not just for himself but for other people too.

Just this morning, he was at the hospital and he told me that when the time comes when he already has his resources, he wants to build his own hospital. Not a business hospital, but a hospital that focuses on helping other people. Medical expenses are expensive and not everyone can afford to pay the bills.

He will have his own scholarship program for those who aspire to become nurses and doctors and in return, he would ask his scholars to serve the hospital for a certain period of time. And there will be no professional charges, most certainly.

He also wants to provide education to people close to him. He will help people not by giving money but by paving ways. If he sees someone who has talents, he will not give monetary reward, he will give resources to the person that will enhance his talent instead. There are many talented people out there, it’s just that, they do not have the adequate resources.

He also wants to invest in micro businesses. If he sees someone who has the passion for business, he would certainly help the person get the best education and eventually help him grow a business of his own. If he sees potential, he will help the person succeed. Investment is not just monetary, it also includes his own time and talent.

Learning about his dreams, i feel a bit embarrassed. I have not seen myself being an advocate of good will. I feel bad for other people but I have not included them in my future. Let’s all be honest here. How often do we think about our neighbors? Do we even include them in our prayers?

To pay the goodness forward, that’s what he wants. If he receives blessings, he wants other people to receive blessings too. That is why I pray and hope that he becomes successful in the future, and he certainly will, and that he realizes all his dreams.

Maybe we should learn from him. Money does not make the world go round but it does help. Let’s all keep the balance, when we receive something good, we should share it too. We cannot bring wealth when we die, but we can leave our legacy and good deeds.

Why I like Apple Pies

Our house never had a baby in forever. I am not used to having a little kid constantly running around the house anymore.

I associate kids with responsibilities. Job is a responsibility. Kids and pets alike are responsibilities. Between the two, it’s easier to take care of a pet. You feed them and they will survive. Whilst in babies or little kids, you have to feed them, you have to bathe them, you have to constantly watch them and make sure they do not get hurt. Pets are so much easier. I can accidentally drop my dog and not feel too bad about it. Well i will feel bad and it will eventually go away. But i cannot accidentally drop a kid or a baby. Not in a thousand years.

I do not hate them, it’s just that I am not adult yet to take care of one. I cannot even take care of myself, let alone, another little human being. I admire them from afar. They are innocent and fun, and funny.

I like hearing stories about them especially babies, literally babies. It’s fun at first but i eventually get bored. I don’t understand the obsession of other people with babies. Yes they are cute, but they are boring. Their activities are boring. Eat, poop, sleep, and cry. That’s all they do. I’d rather have a little kid around, at least he can do something else except eat poop and sleep.

As i have written in my previous entry, I am very picky. I treat babies and kids the way I treat adults. I can hang out with some, not with everybody.

I have a little cousin who comes into our house. I am not mad but I am not delighted. The first five minutes is fine. The next minutes are kind of tiring. I have too much to think about and I feel disturbed when i see someone running back and forth. And he cries a lot too! I hate crying kids. I like kids who are fun and energetic but know when to sit down and behave accordingly.

Of course people will say, “they are kids. let them be kids, you were a kid once”, well when i was a kid, i was not a rascal. (LOL)

I like well-behaved and smart kids.

Just recently, i have developed fondness to a little kid and we call him “applepie”. I heard stories about him and he seems fun.

First time i heard about him was when they visited and he was watching a video. Alphabet song. A funny and weird one. A is for applepie, B is for banana and so on, hence the name applepie.

He just turned two and he wants to do things alone. He eats on a plate, with a spoon. I think he will grow up to be a foodie cause he eats almost everything. A two year old who eats vegetables and shawarma. (I like this kid! I approve of it) I trust kids who love food. But he is a wise one though. He has to see that the food is edible first before eating it. You have to eat first before he does. And he is generous. he will share his food.

He is an independent kid. He doesn’t pee or poop on the floor, he will tell you if he needs to use the bathroom too.
He is a sweet child. He likes cuddles and kisses. He doesn’t throw tantrums too. You can explain things to him and he will listen. I always joke about him being a 28 year old guy who shrunk into a 2-year old kid’s body.

I like listening to stories about him, how he just sits there and watches tv shows. He likes watching cars and real people. How he likes hanging out with his uncle and sticking to him. It’s funny how he clings to his uncle. I remember me being clingy to his uncle too. He constantly seeks attention but not in a bothersome way. Just like me. I think he is a smaller representation of me hahahahahahahaha!! Once the uncle was in the bathroom and he was knocking and calling him but did not get response, so instead of calling him ‘tito’ he called him by the first name. Whenever he misses his uncles and family, he will stand by the door and start saying “tito, mama, papa”. It’s like imagining a music video!

He is a funny kid too. It’s funny how he gets nervous when he thought he was being left out of the car. Cause he was so little and maybe he thought they have forgotten about him or they did not see him. It’s funny when he talks. He tells stories but since he is a little kid, he has his own vocabulary. I will just tell his uncle to nod even if he did not understand anything. I like the fact that he communicates. It’s funny how he knows how to say excuse me… “mi mi” in his terms. And how he calls the mouse, remote.

I remember when he picked up a kitten and placed it in his car. he gave it a joy ride. haha. I can just picture them playing. i know kids who pick up little animals and throw them away. I am glad he isn’t like that.

He likes hanging out with his uncles a lot. He is playful but not annoying. He has a lot of energy but he knows when to stay still. I think he knows how to behave in public too. He is an old soul.. but a charming little kid. And I can’t wait to hear more.

There are too many reasons why I don’t want to hang out with kids but if all the kids are like applepie, it would be awesome.:)

The Reasons Why I Will Die An Old Maid

1. I am picky.

I am picky in almost everything except for food. When I don’t like something, there’s no way I will ever like it. And it’s a problem.

I am picky when it comes to job. I have been offered other jobs and when I see something that I do not like, I immediately turn it down. I wasted a lot of opportunities just because of the petty things. But I am not unemployed. Well, I am currently employed and I have been working in the same company for more than three years. And in that span of three years, I have ranted a lot. I pick on everything. I always criticize everything. I do not like this or like that. There’s never a week that I did not feel upset because I didn’t really feel like doing tasks. I’d murmur to myself like crazy but in the end i’d still finish everything before the deadline.

I am picky when it comes to people too. Like how I treat jobs, when I see something that I do not like to a certain person, I would not deal with the person again, unless I have to. I am not friendly, I do not look friendly. I kind of look like a bitch. Although I know that we all have flaws, I really cannot associate with people who are on my “can never deal with this type of person list” but I do make exceptions though. When I like you, I like you. And if I like you and I am friendly with you, then you really are special because can become the most anti-social person if I want to.

2. I do not like going out.

The only reason I go out of the house is when I have to go to work or buy something. I can feel the anxiety when I see people. It’s like every stare is going to stab me. I do not like having to deal with people. No offense intended, I studied a bit of sign language as an escape tactic when I don’t want to talk to deal with strangers. Like you know, pretending to be deaf and mute because I am too lazy or i am not interested.

3. I love silence too much to give it up.

I can’t stand hearing constant noises. I do not like loud people. I do not like hearing vehicles. I do not like the sound of banging doors. I enjoy silence too much to give it up. I prefer to be alone. Or if there is someone else in the room, i will appreciate it if he can enjoy being alone together sometimes, without having the need to constantly communicate. Comfortable silence. I can be in a state where my head is up in space and I am unreachable, I am like half dead at times. And I’m not in the mood to listen to voices. Sometimes I need silence to think. I need silence to concentrate. It’s in silence that I find sanity.

4. I am willing to compromise but I hate arguments.. really.

There are no two persons alike and because of differences, arguments cannot be avoided.

Arguments stress me out so much. I do not like the heavy feeling when I am not in good terms with the person. I couldn’t sleep, eat or do anything. In order to have a solid relationship with other people, i have to be more understanding and have more patience. The problem is, i get annoyed in little things and that alone may lead to arguments. More often, when I get pissed off, i stay quiet and distant and i do not discuss things. It’s bothersome for me. But I know i have to communicate in order to fix the misunderstanding. I feel bad whenever I hurt other people’s feelings, especially if they are important to me. I may say hurtful words that’s why i always choose to keep quiet. And because of my unwillingness to converse and not explaining why, sometimes, the situation gets worse.

I have no problem in compromising things as long as it’s fair and beneficial for me and other people. The problem is, I don’t want any argument before that.

5. The adjustment

It’s hard to be in a situation where you have to constantly adjust. You cannot do whatever, wherever, whenever. Changes cannot be avoided and I have to adapt whether i like it or I don’t. It’s not just me anymore, there’s always another person or persons that I have to consider. I am used to eating alone. And sometimes I eat weird food. Whenever I am with other people, I have to consider if they would want to go with me or if they are allergic to something.

Whether little or big adjustment, it will be continuous. And the question is, can I keep with up with the changes? What if I get tired, can i just run away? There’s too much to think about. And if i decide to engage in a relationship, whatever relationship it may be, I have to give a part of me.

6. Freedom

Is any relationship worthy of giving up my freedom? I am being realistic here. Will the benefit of having somebody else outweigh the benefits of being alone? I mean, I can survive alone. I can do chores alone. I even worked in the office alone and I was happy.

I love being free. I love being able to decide things on my own. I love being free from any worries. I love being free to do things my way and i love being free from any burden from other people.

I can be happy alone but they say that happiness doubles when there is somebody to share it with. The idea may be true but it doesn’t necessarily apply to everybody

It’s hard to give up your freedom when you have been free for too long, especially when you have learned to be happy on your own. I wouldn’t deny that it can get lonely sometimes, but it wouldn’t kill you. It did not kill me. It will be awesome to have someone, but it is not necessary. It’s a matter of preference.

7. Anxiety

I am very anxious. Even when there is nothing wrong, I always feel that something is wrong. Even the slightest thing worries me.

I am not sure of myself. I know I am not perfect. I am not even likeable that’s why I find it weird when people want to become friends with me. Then I’ll start thinking that they just like me because they need something from me. Or i am in a relationship, I will worry that soon the other person will leave me because I am not the best person to be in a relationship with. That when he finds someone better, he will eventually break up with me.

I am very conscious about what other people might think about me. Having nothing much to offer, I feel no better. I’d rather be alone. By being alone, I do not have to worry about what other people might think about me. I don’t have to impress them. Even if I am not the best person, it wouldn’t bother me because I know I am not letting somebody down.

8. Trust issues

My wall is too high. I don’t trust people easily. It’s too scary to lay yourself out there and let people affect you. I am not ready to open up myself because I have too much weakness in me. I may appear tough but in reality, I break down all the time.

To give your trust to people is to let yourself become vulnerable. And I am not ready to show that vulnerable side of me. I have been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again. Like it or not, intentionally or unintentionally, people will hurt me. But as long as it is not someone I gave my trust to, it wouldn’t be that bad.

In a relationship, you have to trust the other person. It depends on how much you can give. But in my case, it’s either I give my full trust or none at all. And it’s too risky. I am not ready to take that risk yet. I am not ready to share my personal space yet. Besides, I am already contented with the people I gave my trust to.

9. Commitment

Commitment is such an intimidating word; it is such a scary thing to say.

I don’t think I have ever fully committed myself into something. I cannot even spend 8 hours working, like literally working. There’s always an excuse to do something else. I cannot commit to work, let alone, human relationships.

Human relationships are complex. Unlike in jobs, where you invest your time and talent, here, you have to invest your feelings, time, and mostly everything about you. You are dealing with a person, so you cannot commit half ass.

You will share a part of you, in all aspects. You will give, give in to something, give up something, compromise, argue about something, patch things up, lay yourself out there. You will not only think about yourself, you have to think about the other person too. And even if you didn’t want or intend to think about the other person, you will eventually do and sometimes it will be bothersome.

I cannot commit fully right now. I will be unfair to the other person. Even if I try to, it will never be enough. I am not getting younger and I am approaching my quarterlife but I know how important commitments are and I don’t want to engage into a relationship and fail to give what the other person deserve. If I cannot do boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, I can never be married.

10. I am neither pro marriage nor pro kids (as for now)

Most of my friends are either getting married and having a baby and here I am, eating corn. I also bought chocolates and now thinking about what to eat for lunch tomorrow. I don’t usually eat breakfast.

Had a typical day today. Went to work, talked to people, ate lunch, checked emails, ranted about some work and some people, drank orange juice, watched random clips, worked, went home, ranted about work and some people again and had dinner. I checked my facebook account and most of the posts are either about people’s relationships, eyebrows, filtered selfies and babies.

My gallery has a bunch of babies and little kids’ photos too. I would constantly receive them from my aunties, about my age, but already have families of their own. I can tell, they are obsessed with their kids. Well, I guess it’s normal that parents are obsessed with their babies. Also, parents’ siblings are obsessed with their nieces and nephews too. But I am not. I am neither obsessed with babies nor with little kids. But I don’t hate them.

I have never pictured myself having a pregnant belly. I have seen myself with beer belly and it’s easier to manage. Imagine, there’s a living creature inside your belly that you have to carry and take care of for nine months. How scary it is to think about having a little creature kicking and moving inside your belly. To be honest, when feel something in my belly I panic a little, let alone having a living thing in there. Everything is inconvenient. Walking, sleeping, eating, reaching for things et cetera. Too many downsides and the only upside is having a baby and I don’t even like the idea of constantly taking care of babies.

And if the process of pregnancy is not terrifying enough, how about giving birth? I will not give full details but you can just picture the normal birth like giving birth to a bowling ball and yes, the whole thing comes out of the vagina (not the butthole). And it can last for several hours! I cannot imagine the pain of trying to push out a baby out of your vagina. I cannot even tolerate the pain when I am constipated, I get headaches when I am trying to push the poop out and i feel like I’m dying. If you cannot do the pushing out thing, then do the Caesarian section where the doctors will do an incision in your belly and pull out the baby from there. Either, for me, is terrifying.