Two months and thirteen days, never a day you haven’t crossed my mind. Two months and thirteen days, I can’t seem to accept the fact that you’re not around… that I wouldn’t still hear your voice. And probably never.

It’s easier to write you love songs… easier to write you poems… easier to say those cheesy words than writing this… the fact that you did not call or even respond to my messages, still breaks my heart. I can’t move forward and I can’t find the courage to read our last conversation because I’m certain that when I do, I’ll break down. I can’t delete them either… They are the only thing that you left me… Memories.

I will always remember you fondly: the way you talk, the way you laugh, they way you get excited about little things…. I can’t do this. I can’t continue writing this…………

 

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I went to work today feeling sick.

So I went to my table, set up my computer at work and my laptop. 8:30 on the clock, I was ready to work when all of a sudden, this one office mate went inside the office, sat on the manager’s chair and started talking nonsense.

I was hopeful that I could at least get a peaceful morning before doing my tasks for the day.

I tried to be patient but everybody has their bad days, right? Today was mine. So I was being quiet. She kept talking and talking, slammed the door, slammed the table and whatnot. I, already having a bad start, lost my patience.

I posted on my wall…

“Why do people talk before 9 o’clock in the morning? Shut the fuck up”

I knew the risk. She was not on the social media.

So hours after, I went home for a quick lunch break.

I was lying on the couch when my mother asked me about a certain post of a relative, who is an office mate.. Apparently she posted a rant on her wall… about someone who is hateful blah blah. She asked me who is this person referring to… Was she referring to me… And I was like, I don’t know. It’s not me.

I was positive she wasn’t referring to me because I got no beef with her. Then I realized that she might be referring to me. I am no idiot, I know when someone’s got something against me. I am not assuming, the facts are all set out. Everybody in the office knows she is referring to me.

Why on earth would she think that way? Some people are just quick to assume that you are talking about them even if in reality they do not even cross your mind and they hit back without having second thoughts.

So she ranted right, and these bunch of idiots also posted their comments about her post, supporting her, talking blah…

I got a lot of things to do and I do not have time for this stupid drama. To tell me I’m hateful, that is so rich coming from you. You even have the nerve to treat me badly even though I have been nice to you since day one. I even helped you in a lot of things, even made your work easier.

So who’s the hateful bitch now?

 

Let me take a moment to vent out. My brain is about to explode and I am about to snap. I don’t think I can handle my dysfunctional life anymore.

Let’s start with my job.

I secured two jobs. One full time and one part time, project based.

Full time job was fine at first although I can say I knew from the start that I was underpaid. Didn’t really care since I did not need money.

Months went by then things got worse. April this year, I was in charge of the USFDA inspection. Prepared everything, did not sleep a lot, sometimes I stayed up the whole night. To cut things short, I did everything from the documentation to talking to reports. Everything went well. Got a positive review.

I did not get enough credit for it… And no compensation although it was not my line of work or my forte for that matter.

Only good thing about the inspection: Inspector was cool. Got to hang out with him after work. He made my work lighter.

April again… He left me. I was devastated. Still am. I couldn’t feel anything but sadness until now. Sadness and depression. Everything is gloomy and dark and ruined. He left me fully dysfunctional. Haven’t recovered yet.

May, work is killing me. I travel at least 3 times a week. I do all the work, no benefit, no additional compensation, no credit.

You know what pisses me off too? They’re taking advantage of my talent and I get nothing in return. Go to this exhibit, talk to this exporter, do a letter, find this regulation… while you are all taking a vacation and posting photos??? Shut the fuck up.

By the way, I closed a deal with a new exporter, also I got a new buyer from Canada and closed a deal to a convenience store in less than a month. I got a new client from the south, three exporters to meet next week, and 8 more for the month. How much will you earn from that??? Millions? Guys, don’t make me lose my sanity… I can fuck up your whole system.

And don’t you dare make me your fucking photographer again. I did not study numbers, I wasn’t called Ms. Logic and I didn’t make my own formula for nothing. Don’t be hypocrites, my IQ is higher than yours.

 

Me: Why do you think I suck at love?

Friend: Uhm.. because you suck at life? Haha! No, it is easy… You cannot build a relationship that works as long as you don’t have the foundation for it: and that is a working life and peace of mind. You don’t have that. So of course everything you start is as dysfunctional as you are. You have like 15 minutes of free time a day. Also, you got that dog while you were hardly able to care for yourself.

Me: What the fuck. You’re straightforward but it’s true. And I love that dog. He’s the only thing that is going great now.

 

My life right now is a series of blahs and nahs. I keep myself busy. In fact I’ve been so busy that I barely sleep. I barely have time for myself.

Amidst all these mad opportunities, I still feel empty. I still feel lonely. I still long for you. Never a day that I did not think about you. I wonder, are you thinking about me too? Or are we just back to where started…complete strangers… sad, isn’t it?