I’m a Jerk

I never imagined myself on my 50s, not even on my 30s. I know I’ll die young. This is what I believe in. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid to die without being able to live my life to the fullest.

My life is far from perfection. I have grudges and I have made enemies along the way. I am not at peace with my parents and friends. I have lots of hatred and I always drop the F word.

I never had an easy life and things do not always work as I expect them to. Lots of times I failed and got hurt.

I am afraid of the day I will just disappear without being able to fix all the things I have broken.

I don’t know if reincarnation is real. A part of me wants to believe and the other part refuses to. But had it been there really is, will I choose the the life I am living at present or will I choose somebody else’s?

At times when I get so mad, I tend to wish to have somebody else’s life. You know, when you get hurt so bad, you just want to get rid of all the memories and move on. You want to have that shortcut. I am like that. When I get hurt, I would blame the people around me for bringing in the pain… But realizations come at the end of the day though.

My friends left me hanging. But even so, I would still want them to be a part of my next life. Yeah, I’ve been hurt but for the longest time, I never felt alone because they were there. I learned how to enjoy life. I learned how to drink alcohol and I went to places I’ve never been before. Because of them, I never went back to the old boring me. I was offered friendship, even it expired, at least, I can say, I had friends.

My siblings are rascals. Even if my siblings would mess up with me during my rest days, I will still want to have them on my next life. They will piss me off endlessly and make me do the chores. They will drive me crazy over their nonsense questions. They will borrow my stuffs and won’t return them on time. But still, I will want to be their sister. It’s because of them primarily why I became a responsible person. I learned how to become generous and selfless. Even if we yell at one other, at the end of the day, we will watch movies altogether while eating chips and drinking soda, as if nothing happened. We may fight all the time but the brotherly and sisterly love will always be there.Even if we don’t tell one another that we care.

My special someone – best friend pushes me out of the bed. Even if we had misunderstandings and even if we fight over each other’s attitude. Even if we did each other wrong. Even if sometimes we feel like we cannot be together. Even if the world tried to tear us apart and even if in the next life it still tries to, I will still want him in my next life and I’ll fight for him harder. It’s because of him that I am happy today. And it’s because of him that will wake up tomorrow feeling happy and whole.

My parents are incomprehensible. Even if I always fight with my parents over petty things like not going to mass on Sundays, I would still want to have them as my parents on my next life. Even if my father will always make endless dramas about me not going home on weekends or not replying to his message the soonest. Even if my mother will ask me over and over again how much is my basic salary and I will refuse everytime, and even if she will get me to clean the furniture set, I will still want her to conceive me. I have their genes. Maybe that’s why I am incomprehensible as well. It’s because of them that I am alive today. They are good parents, I know they still love me even if we often ignore one another. I know they care about me and I care about them as well. We just haven’t figured out yet how to connect the right way. Hopefully soon.

I am a jerk. I know I am rude and selfish and a big asshole. But I want the me I am today. I like the me today because I know I am capable of being the best even if I have many loopholes. I will not use the phrase “God created me in his image and likeness” here, rather, I was created with a body and mind and was given the breath of life to pursue my dreams and aspirations.

There are many unlikely events in my life, but at the end of the day, what is important is I have lived the life I wanted to live. Even a lot of things are misaligned, I am fortunate that I still have the time to put everything into place. I don’t have a control over the things outside of my body, I can’t beat divine intervention, if there is, but I am choosing to live to my full extent and potential before I reach my end.

If I don’t live long, and I will be rewarded a second life, I will still want to be surrounded by these crackheads. They turn me into a monster.They scare the shit out of me. But it’s because of them that I am thrilled and happy in being the jerk i am today. 🙂


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