I look tough in person. I am one of those not so friendly faces you will see walking on the street. I don’t look fragile but truth is I am one of those who become weak when it comes to those specials people in my life.
I asked a friend about her dislikes about me when I was 11. We were the closest so I was expecting her to have a short list, surprisingly, she sent me a 3 page text message. She described me as the numb and robot type of person, poker face, and as if she’s talking to a wall when she talks to me to name a few. And I wondered, how were we able to become friends? LOL.
Robot type of person. When i was in high school, yes. When I was not too attached to people. I did not like attachments then because the more you get close to the person, the more you become vulnerable to pain. But of course, that is inevitable. There will be a few who will trespass into your life and change you into something you weren’t or if not, bring out the you you’ve never shown anyone before.
I cannot remember the first time I shed a tear for anybody. It’s normal for me to cry when I get really hurt or mad. I am not the type of person who will break something or yell when I am frustrated. I will just hide somewhere and cry alone. And as far as I remember, I am not the type of person who will cry about something that has nothing to do with me. But things changed, I hate it but I was turned into someone who cries for others… on behalf of others.
The robot has become the crybaby. You know what I hate the most? I cannot even watch a touching movie with people around me. One time, I was watching Miracle in Cell No. 7 when my mother and my sister joined me. I was trying my best not to cry but I failed. My mother even asked me if I wanted a tissue or a towel for my tears. I was so embarrassed that I was the only one crying. I get teary when I am proud of someone or something, even when I just watch auditions on BGT or XFactor.
One time, I was reading at the same time chopping the vegetables. The main character died so I got teary again. But I still continued chopping the vegetable, when I reached the ending where the other character committed suicide, I stood up and went to the bathroom. I couldn’t stopped myself from crying and I even asked, “Why Kenji? Why?!” (I was pertaining to the guy who committed suicide in the story) I went out to the bathroom and continued chopping veggies with my eyes and my nose turned red. I know it’s crazy and I shouldn’t be wasting my tears about something I just read.
Sometimes I feel there’s something wrong about me. Maybe it’s me being attached. I get so attached that I unknowingly invested my feelings towards something or someone. But there are some instances where I appreciate this part of me. For example, when I hear the sad voice of my bff, I get sad as well. When he tells me his sad stories, I cry and he will ask me why. And I will tell him it’s because I get hurt and sad as well, when you are sad. I know it’s a weird way of making him feel that he is important to me. I don’t like it when I cry over something that is not about me, but since he is a special part of me, I know I will always cry for him. There are times when I just cried silently so he wouldn’t know but when I hear him cry, I sob. The effect on me is double. What’s funny is I still sob even when he is already done crying. It’s the contagion effect. It’s like I feel what he feels.
Crying is okay as long as we cry for the things that matter. Sometimes, it’s better to cry with someone first before telling him to cheer up. Crying doesn’t solve the problem but it helps you feel better afterwards. Sometimes, it will lessen the weight of the burden. Of course you cannot tell a person that everything’s okay when it isn’t really. It’s better to make him feel that you are willing to make him feel that you are there, ready to laugh and cry with him. That he is not ALONE and that it is okay to CRY. I believe that tears are more special than smiles. You can fake a smile for someone but it takes real emotions to shed a tear (unless you’re an actor, but you can always tell). So be thankful if someone sheds a tear for you, that only means that you matter, that you are loved.