I have been thinking about my fears earlier this morning and I thought of one thing that is quite ironic. I am certain that I am not afraid of death but what I can’t stand is those irregular patterns of holes. I watched a 3 minute video clip and as soon as I saw the third photo, I began to itch and I felt so sick. I wasn’t able to finish the whole clip. No matter how I try to conquer that fear, I really can’t. Everytime I attempt to stare at something with holes, I just end up looking away. Weird that the thought of holes make me feel so sick but the thought of dying is like just a normal thing for me.
If there are things in life that are inevitable, that would be changes, taxes and death. I have been taxed a lot, I have experienced changes a lot, but death, not yet, obviously. But I have told myself a lot of times that one of these days, I will die. I just don’t know when, how will i die, and why. But I am not afraid of dying, what I am afraid of is dying without being able to accomplish anything and not being able to tell people what I want to tell them.
Lately, I have been thinking of what I have been doing for the past 20 years. I know I never lived perfectly and I didn’t do well in a lot of things. I have hurt people in the past. I have made enemies and friends. I have been hating a lot. Yup. Damn. If heaven and earth were real, I am somewhere in between.
I am not the type of person who does well when it comes to speaking. When I was in high school, I did speeches for my classmates but there were also times when I read my own speech. I do not have stage fright. I’m okay when it comes to delivering speeches with or without copy. What I am not really okay with is those, heart to heart talks… Everyday conversation.
I am one of those people who weren’t blessed with a friendly face. I do not have the natural charm. LOL. I don’t think I am the type of person whom you will start a conversation with when you see me at the mall. I just don’t know how to make myself look friendly cause in reality, I really am not. I am not antisocial, I just don’t know how to deal with people.
Yeah I have made friends but you know in every circle there will always be that one who just listens. I am that person in the circle. Even in our family, I am the one who doesn’t really speak up. I shared the same room with my auntie during college but she doesn’t really know my thoughts because it is very seldom that I tell her. A lot of words unspoken and I do not really know how to express myself. So maybe, I will just write this entry to share all my thoughts and to tell people what I want to tell them through the letter below.
First of all, I want to say that this is not a suicide letter and I am not dying yet.
It’s known to you that suppression is my main problem; that I am not vocal when it comes to my opinions; that speaking is my waterloo. But I found a partner through writing. So let me begin,
Dearest parents, I know you never expected me to grow up like this. I was once the daughter who will always obey you in everything. When I was younger, I couldn’t even pick the clothes I will be wearing for the school program. You made me wear those pink skirts and gowns though I didn’t want to. There are countless times when I sobbed because I didn’t like my hairstyle and I couldn’t do anything about it. You decided where will I study my high school even though I expressed my wanting to enter the rival school. I wanted to shift courses but you did not allow me even though I felt inferior because I couldn’t stand the pressure on the class. I traveled 4 hours back and forth from school to our house even though I could just live with my grandmother who lives near the university because you wanted me to. I did not have the right to object because simply, I am still under your custody.
There were times when you called me crazy and stupid and you asked me to leave the house because I fell in love on my 19s. I was expecting that you will understand my situation because you have been there but you made me feel like you don’t trust my decision. You reprimanded me, confiscated my phone, and pressured me to break up with him. You told me once that I am the mere reason why my younger brother entered a second class university. As if it was my fault that we were broke those times and as if I am happy that my brother is suffering the consequences. You gave me the guilt feelings that I shouldn’t be having and remember what I told you? I told you that if you asked me to switch places with my brother, I would. I was crying then cause the guilt feeling was overwhelming.
I expected you to understand me because I am your daughter and you raised me. But yeah, I shouldn’t be expecting anything.
Now that I am working, I thought I will be free to make my own decisions but at the end of the day, it’s you who make decisions for me because apparently, you know my weakness. You know even if I still feel bad, I cannot just simply ignore you. Money isn’t a problem. I just don’t like it when you pressure me a lot and when you text me during payday without even asking me if i ate my supper last night. I am not asking for gratitude or acknowledgment. All I want is peace and quiet and understanding that I am human too. I also get tired.
You ask me to do chores on my rest days. I am not lazy, you know that. I am tired from work. You don’t know how much I want to quit my job but because you are expecting me to pay for the bills, I cannot just simply do it. I don’t have a family of my own but I am poorest in our family because the majority of my income goes to the household bill. But no matter how much I feel bad about everything, I still go home because this is where I belong to. I have the outmost respect for you. And I will always thank you for parenting me. We might have endless arguments but I am still your daughter and you will always be the best parents for me. Maybe I am not the one you wanted me to be but at the end of the day, you can still count on me.
Dearest friends who weren’t there for me when I needed them the most. Thank you for being a part of my life but you can all fuck off. I am grateful that you shared with me the happiest days of my life but I don’t really need people who will be there when I am HAPPY. Remember the times when you will ask me to do you a favor and I will just say yes and those times when I am not present during the happy hours but I am the only present when you’re super down? I am not trying to make you feel bad, but yes, sort of. But I learned. Do not contact me because I will not respond to you. I need fake ones. Don’t worry, I have found the real ones. Nevertheless, I am thankful that we crossed our paths. Because of you I have learned how to distinguish those authentic from those who aren’t. Have a great life!
To my bestfriend who never failed to listen to my endless whinings. Thank you. If there’s one person to whom I will always be grateful to, it’s you. I know I give you stress always whenever I will tell you about my problematic life to the point when you will curse, fuck, fucking shit, fucking shit ass. Now you know the contagion effect. LOL. You and me are alike. You are the only person I really can count to. Thank you for helping me express myself more. You even make speeches for me and train me. Though you had a hundred reasons to leave me, you didn’t and I will always be forever thankful that you are staying. You are the best bud I ever had. I don’t always tell you how much I appreciate you, but I really do.
I have a lot to say to you but I cannot just write them all here or else I will end up telling everything that happened. At the bottom of my heart and at the top of my lungs, I will be forever grateful that we crossed each other’s paths. You’re my batman!
To everybody I have met and made relationships (platonic, romantic et al) with, serious or not, I am thankful for the learning and the experiences, good or bad. To those who hate me, i don’t mind. Keep on hating. I don’t live to please you anyways. To those who made my life miserable, to those who caused me stress, I give you the middle finger but I am hoping that one day, we will be able to give each other a high five and for the people who love me, thank you. I am wishing you all a great life. Cheers!