The Pain in my Chest

I am tired, I am anxious, I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to hear him. I just want to talk to him.

I am too lovestruck with him that I have forgotten the world around me, I have forgotten me. For the past few years, I have always considered his happiness over mine.  Have I given too much? Maybe. But I don’t regret it. For the past few years, his happiness had been my happiness as well. I supported him along the way, I even tried to become the heroine I can’t be just to protect him, leaving my guards down.

Now it is undeniable that I am in total ruins. I have forgotten that I have my own self to take care of. I was busy protecting and taking care of him that I have left minimal to myself. To take care of him, to make him happy, to protect him, to be there for him all the time, to make sure that things are going all well… These were my  motivation to keep on living. Simply put, my world revolved around him.

I know that things aren’t supposed to work out that way.. But can you blame me for falling so hard for this guy who gives me peace after hearing all the world’s noises?

Love moves in incomprehendible way. Even I don’t understand its ways.

One month… I haven’t had a decent sleep for one month. When I fall asleep, I only have nightmares. I get up for work in the morning, not having a bite to eat. Not having a decent shower, walking like a clueless gal. I am too lost that I don’t seem to see and hear the people around me. I arrive at the office  feeling sick as always. I tried to eat cause my body feels shaken. It’s just a couple of bites then I rushed to the bathroom… THIRD time today, I puked.

I felt pity.. I felt so damn low. tears were pouring down as I was removing the dirt from my mouth and my shirt. My mouth never tasted this worst and I never felt this worst in my life. My life is full of shit. And I know I can’t act like this forever.

The last time, I drank liquor without any meals and I was too hungover that it lasted for three days. I slept at the office sitting, not aware of my surrounding. How worst could it get?

I know there’s no shortcut and the pain I feel inside me is self inflicted and I can’t do anything else but to endure it for the meantime. I thought I needed somebody to save me; I was waiting for him to save me, I was waiting for somebody to pick up my broken pieces. I was waiting for somebody to help me get back to my senses… I didn’t care who that somebody is, i was waiting for somebody I can depend on.

But I was wrong, I don’t need somebody else. I NEED MYSELF FOR MY OWN SALVATION.

I can’t lie to myself anymore. I can’t cover up the reality. Now, I am trying to make things right. I am trying to be the girl pre meeting him. The girl who can laugh about the bullshits in life.

It’s sad that things ended up like this. All I wanted was the best for the both of us but i failed. I crossed the line and lost my own mind. And now, I am trying to bounce back. I’m trying to love myself more. Put my own happiness before somebody else’s. I cannot be the heroine I am not. I am a human, now, broken but I can come back fresher.

I don’t need any apparition or divine intervention to get through this, I know I can. I just need to hold on to myself and surround myself with people who care for me. I know they are still around even if I created a distance, i know i still have them.

It will be a long, painful journey… To live differently, to start a new life, to stop doing the things I was doing for  the past years… But I have to. I can’t always live in the past. My heart is shattered for now but it will heal through time… I just need to endure the pain. I just need to move the fuck on.

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