You Reap What You Sow

I should be happy by now but ironically, I feel otherwise.

The long wait is over. They were finally over. And I am still standing my ground. He gave me the security and told me the words we are over. you do not have to worry about anything.  I knew at that point, I should be feeling a sense of relief because finally, she will be out of his system; my system.

But it doesn’t feel that way. I still feel the pain. It’s like she is still lurking around. I am not being paranoid. I am getting the feeling that we cannot move away from her shadow. I am with him, like I have always been. But the large portion of his mind and his heart belongs to her already. He is missing her big time. He said he doesn’t love her romantically and I should be relieved. But he is love drugged. He cannot get over her.

I should not expect him to move on in a week or so. I know things like this cannot be hurried. But why am i getting the worst pain? I was not the one who left nor left behind, but why do i get this feeling of loneliness? I feel lonely with him. I feel sad. I feel his sadness.

Is he under her mercy now? If only I could do something to make him forget her, I would. But the relationship they had was far from the relationship I have with him. He felt relaxed and lost at the moment with her, he was simply happy. While he sees the real world with me. I know his pain and agonies. I feel them. And I absorb them. That’s why he feels sad whenever he is with me. All I can do is to listen to him and share with his pain.

I think I lost the ability to make him genuinely happy.

And the feeling that he finds happiness in her sucks. If only I can provide him with it… Things will be a lot easier.

If I were selfish, I might already be having a celebratory drink right now. Laugh at them. But I can’t and I won’t do that because whenever I see him in pain, I feel it double. I still care for him and I am not seeking vengeance.

They hurt me, I know. But I never wished him ill. I always wanted him to be happy even if it meant pain for me. I endured everything. I didn’t care being shattered as long as he was happy. I am crazy I know. But this is the kind of love I have for him.

I do not sugar coat my reasons. I stayed with him because I wanted to stay with him even if felt like hell everyday. Knowing that he was happy with some other girl; That he was enjoying her company more than mine. But She left him because of her excuses. Sugar coated reasons… And she gave up. She gave up that quick. She being unfair, this she said but she acted otherwise. And now she’s regretting. She just let a good man slip out of her hand.

I’ve always wanted him to come back to me yet she just gave him away… just like that… on a snap of a finger.

She could cry him a river all she wants but there’s no turning back. I want to get the feeling of satisfaction over her pain… but the pain she is feeling right now is nothing compared to the pain I felt.

He left me because she came. He un-loved me because he saw the other side of the world with her; that world where he can completely forget the real world. He invested his time and feelings for her. But she was damn selfish. After all the attention and investments, she just said good bye. She just crashed into our lives and left everything in ruins. And now, she is just getting back what she has given.

You reap what you sow. All I can say is good luck to your healing. i hope your pain lasts a little longer. Just so you learn your lesson. 

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