Why waste those thoughts

Since I’m mostly a vampire and very much awake during the night, I have decided to utilize my spare time¬†writing a new story. I always¬†spend the nights figuring things out and thinking about the universe, I thought to myself, why waste those thoughts? So here, I tried to convert them into something that will make sense to me. Below is the link to my newly started story.

Wire Me In

It’s 2:42 A.M.

Randomly woke up from a nightmare. I was reminded that the amount of things I can do in real life is limited but scary and beyond normal. I can still contain myself though.

Dreaming is different. I can do infinite things, more terrifying things, that makes it easier for me to just be myself, to let me do what I fancy. I can do all smorgasbord of crazy shit. And it’s tearing me apart. I was satisfied for a moment then all the satisfaction has turned into terror, loneliness and frustration. I’m not alright. I have been constantly terrified with the rustling sound that I am hearing now. It’s driving me crazy. What do I do now?

I’ve been away for a while

I don’t know if people have been visiting my blogsite lately. I haven’t really been updating for a while. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. I know I have accepted the 30-day challenge but I am damn sure that I have lost the challenge already. I was pretty sure I can keep up with the lapses, but now, I think I can’t anymore. I feel that life is empty and I can find no motivation. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know who I am anymore.

For the past few days, I have just been eating, watching, sleeping. This morning, last day of my long days off, I came across this movie. I was the only one who enjoyed it, mainly because I can relate. It’s not a love story or a chick flick, not murder, not drama, not comedy. It’s about an asylum.

I still have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I just choose to sleep in the morning when I stay up the whole night. Sometimes I do fall asleep but those nightmares always interrupt my not so usual night sleep.

My nightmares have been worse. One time I had a dream about a certain person who’s just vanished in front of my eyes. I reached¬†into him but he refused to hold my hand. I have been constantly dreaming about people leaving me in despair.

Last night, I had a dream about a crazy man who’s on a shooting spree. I was there, in the dark, hiding. I can hear people screaming that he is coming to kill us all. I was beside my aunt who was singing worship songs just in case we die. All I hear was her singing and shooting and people screaming and I froze. I just froze there in the dark. And I suddenly woke up and felt my heart racing. I sent him a text. I said, “I just randomly woke up from another nightmare.” it was 4 in the morning.

I thought the nightmare could have not been worse, but I had another nightmare. The shooting and killing wasn’t enough. I had a dream about the devil. He was there. He went inside a friend’s body and he started screaming and acting like crap. It was like the fucking exorcist movie. It was horrible, terrifying, ghastly. I don’t know how to describe it. I stood in the back, I wanted to hide¬†but he went to me. He wanted to stab me using a pair of scissors. He looked so scary that I had chills down my spine. He went towards me. He stared at me as if he wanted to suck my soul. He went there for me… He wanted to take me. The devil wanted me.

I thought I was dead for a moment. I thought I’d die then and there. All I know is that there’s chaos in my head. I woke up. I texted him again. “Woke up randomly from another nightmare. I don’t know when’s it going to end.” It was 5 in the morning.

I tossed and turned and the next thing I noticed is that the sun is up already. Disturbing. Yes I was disturbed, I am still disturbed and I have questions in my mind. There is no difference in being awake and being asleep. They both bring nightmares. I don’t want this. I never asked for this but what can I do? I am ill. I am mentally ill. And I hate that I have this.¬†This is embarrassing and humiliating and sad.

I am in the borderline of being crazy and sane. Nobody noticed but I knew all along. Who would’ve thought I’ll be having this mental disorder? I’ve known since I was 11. It’s just now that I have accepted it. It’s a lifetime battle against myself.

I had this weird feeling this morning. I can sense that something is up, something is wrong or something is about to happen. This familiar feeling of anxiety. I am really hoping that you are alright.  Talk to me if you want. 

Not while i’m around

Nothing’s gonna harm you, not while I’m around
Nothing’s gonna harm you, no sir, not while I’m around
Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays
I’ll send them howling
I don’t care, I got ways
No one’s gonna hurt you,
No one’s gonna dare
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I’ll be there!
Demons’ll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time…
Nothing can harm you
Not while I’m around…
Being close and being clever
Ain’t like being true
I don’t need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some…
No one’s gonna hurt you, no one’s gonna dare
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I’ll be there!
Demons’ll charm you with a smile, for a while
But in time…
Nothing can harm you
Not while I’m around…

Watched Sweeney Todd for the third time. I feel like crap for crying.¬†I always lose it. Guess I’ll always be the heroine I can never be when it comes to you…¬†But still, I promise, NOTHING’S GONNA HARM YOU, NOT WHILE I’M AROUND.

Comrade: I don’t like him. I really don’t.

I: Why don’t you just appreciate all the little things he does for you? If he is willing to give you the world, not literally the world of course, why not give it a chance? You are lucky that someone out there is in love with you. You are lucky that someone loves you unconditionally.He is not asking anything from you, you’re hell of a lucky girl. You don’t always meet people like that everyday, not in every 100 years. If a person loves you unconditionally, if a person thinks about you more than he thinks about himself, if he cares about you more than he cares about himself, he’s a keeper. You may not like him now, or tomorrow or the other day, but if you open your eyes to all the good that he is, who knows, you may end up finding yourself loving that person more than you think you will.

Comrade: You drunk?

I: I am legit drunk but I am not out of my mind.

Comrade: You still think about him?

I: Never a day that I didn’t think about him.

Comrade: You miss him?

I: Yes. (shoots whisky)

Comrade: How much?

I: In a scale of 1 to infinity, beyond infinity.

Comrade: (Shoots whisky) Crazy.

I: Yep. I have Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. (Shoots whisky)

Comrade: What are you thinking about?

I: Him. I wonder if he’s doing okay.

Comrade: Text him.

I: (Pours wine) Do you even know how hard it is not to text him? It’s harder than f*cking chemistry or advanced algebra in Greek letters¬†or pronouncing¬†llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Comrade: Why don’t you just text him? What’s so bad about it?

I: Nothing’s bad. But I don’t want to shake his world again. I want to make things easier for him. It’s true that I want to be there for him and be the one to save him from whatever that’s making him sad and not give a fuck about anything else but if my presence makes it complicated, hell yeah, give him his space.¬†I just hope he knows that my mind, heart and soul will always be with him.

Comrade: I see. Now that’s what you call a martyr.

I: Nope. This is what you call love is freeing.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when I only drink when I am happy or for no reasons at all. I wish I could go back to the time when I feel indifferent about things, when I feel indifferent about people When I can just spend the whole day thinking about nothing and doing nothing at all. Today is different, even if I don’t want to feel anything, it’s nearly impossible to feel nothing. I wish I could end this. You know, I’d rather die than live the rest of my life feeling this much of a bullshit.

Go to Heaven for Climate and Hell for company

if ever i die soon and see that heaven is real, i will do my best to ask St. Peter to let me see the face of God. I know for sure that there’s no spot for me in his kingdom for all the things I have done on earth but I know he will be generous enough to spare me his time and grant my last wish and make up to me because he has been hard on me when I was alive. It doesn’t have to be an hour. I just need a couple of seconds. Before going somewhere to spend the rest of my spiritual life, I would need to ask him if he was entertained enough watching me live a miserable life. I hope that the jokes he made out of me served him well. And like me, he is crazy and stupid. And like the others, he is a big asshole. Then I’ll slap him on his face just to make him feel human pain and understand embarrassment. After my mission, i’d gladly accept his wrath and even before he sends me outside, i’d voluntarily leave and seek the the company of my comrades. Live in everlasting fire and be with the other god forsaken creatures… the least favorites. Where all of us are equally miserable. Where all of us are equally unhappy. Where all of us are treated equally and there are no favored. I’d rather burn in hell. That will be dope.