I’ve been away for a while

I don’t know if people have been visiting my blogsite lately. I haven’t really been updating for a while. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. I know I have accepted the 30-day challenge but I am damn sure that I have lost the challenge already. I was pretty sure I can keep up with the lapses, but now, I think I can’t anymore. I feel that life is empty and I can find no motivation. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know who I am anymore.

For the past few days, I have just been eating, watching, sleeping. This morning, last day of my long days off, I came across this movie. I was the only one who enjoyed it, mainly because I can relate. It’s not a love story or a chick flick, not murder, not drama, not comedy. It’s about an asylum.

I still have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I just choose to sleep in the morning when I stay up the whole night. Sometimes I do fall asleep but those nightmares always interrupt my not so usual night sleep.

My nightmares have been worse. One time I had a dream about a certain person who’s just vanished in front of my eyes. I reached into him but he refused to hold my hand. I have been constantly dreaming about people leaving me in despair.

Last night, I had a dream about a crazy man who’s on a shooting spree. I was there, in the dark, hiding. I can hear people screaming that he is coming to kill us all. I was beside my aunt who was singing worship songs just in case we die. All I hear was her singing and shooting and people screaming and I froze. I just froze there in the dark. And I suddenly woke up and felt my heart racing. I sent him a text. I said, “I just randomly woke up from another nightmare.” it was 4 in the morning.

I thought the nightmare could have not been worse, but I had another nightmare. The shooting and killing wasn’t enough. I had a dream about the devil. He was there. He went inside a friend’s body and he started screaming and acting like crap. It was like the fucking exorcist movie. It was horrible, terrifying, ghastly. I don’t know how to describe it. I stood in the back, I wanted to hide but he went to me. He wanted to stab me using a pair of scissors. He looked so scary that I had chills down my spine. He went towards me. He stared at me as if he wanted to suck my soul. He went there for me… He wanted to take me. The devil wanted me.

I thought I was dead for a moment. I thought I’d die then and there. All I know is that there’s chaos in my head. I woke up. I texted him again. “Woke up randomly from another nightmare. I don’t know when’s it going to end.” It was 5 in the morning.

I tossed and turned and the next thing I noticed is that the sun is up already. Disturbing. Yes I was disturbed, I am still disturbed and I have questions in my mind. There is no difference in being awake and being asleep. They both bring nightmares. I don’t want this. I never asked for this but what can I do? I am ill. I am mentally ill. And I hate that I have this. This is embarrassing and humiliating and sad.

I am in the borderline of being crazy and sane. Nobody noticed but I knew all along. Who would’ve thought I’ll be having this mental disorder? I’ve known since I was 11. It’s just now that I have accepted it. It’s a lifetime battle against myself.