It’s the first christmas in almost five years… Christmas with somebody else. Christmas with no surprise. Christmas without you. I am not going to lie but this probably is the saddest christmas in my entire life. It’s not the same without you. It’s incomplete without you. I hope you find happiness. I will always wish the best for you and your family. Merry Christmas, my angel.
I was terribly sick last night. After having dinner, I just felt a shock cold all the way to my bones. So I was there, camping under the sheets, two sheets to be specific. I tossed and turned trying to sleep but I can’t. I tried to update my story and my blog but words weren’t coming out. I didn’t want to take pills either. I have taken a lot and I think they’re affecting my brain. I feel light headed all the time. I listened to music and I thought it could help but yeah, I was wide awake just chilling there like as if I was having a seizure.
I binge-watched danisnotonfire’s videos last night and I thought he was hilarious and relatable especially when the videos are about human interaction and being an awful person. I’m an awful person but I don’t chew pencils. I chew people. (Figuratively)
I found myself under the sheet watching many other videos from amazingphil, finebros, buzzfeed, watchcut et al until morning. Seems like I am becoming more and more attached to the Internet. Maybe it’s true that Internet is my life now. Less human interaction, less pain in life.
It’s morning and I have to work. I still feel sick though. Worse, it started raining.
So at 8 a.m. I already started preparing for work, still feeling sick. at 8:20, everything is done and ready. I read ten chapters of the book I am currently reading, The Lake House by James Patterson, a good book to read following David Baldacci’s The Hour Game before heading. At 8:50, I started walking to office. I wore a sweater cause honest to god, I feel really cold. Maybe it’s just me.
At 8:58, I arrived at the office and started setting up everything. I didn’t eat breakfast and I have no appetite today, like most days of my life, I have no appetite to keep going. I rested my head on the table for a couple of minutes and sick cried although feeling sick is not the reason for crying. That pain hit me again. I hate these days. 😦
I am in the phase where everything I do just doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right. Funny thing is I am not the person I used to be. Even my demeanor is foreign to me. Everything is foreign to me. I can’t even memorize three-digit numbers, let alone 10-digits, which, I used to be good at. I speak and sound different now. I can’t even finish a sentence without cracking my voice. Maybe I’ll just stop talking and learn sign language. Shame. I feel like I am in the Dark Ages and it doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense to me now.
9:21 am, currently writing this blog as I am waiting for my food. Sick and sad, listening to Hyun Bin’s That Man and some other songs that are straight up depressing, even upbeat songs sound depressing to me anyways. So it doesn’t really matter.
Do you know me?
Yes you do. You just look away.
Do you hear me?
Yes certainly. But my words don’t matter to you.
Do you know how I feel about you?
Of course you do. Everybody knows.
Am I not worthy of your time?
Maybe. I don’t hear much from you.
Is love blind?
I don’t think so. But humans certainly are.
Are you blind too?
No you are not. You are just farsighted. I am right in front of you but you seem to overlook.
Do you think you will learn to love me someday?
I don’t think so because you never really tried.
Is it that hard to love someone like me?
I can’t seem to answer this. But I know for you it’s impossible to love me. Chances are not over zero.
Do you know how much I dislike the human race?
Maybe you don’t… But I seem to adore you.
Do you know I wish I could care less about you?
Of course you don’t but I hate the feeling that I care about you more than I care about anything else in the world.
Do you know how lonely you make me feel?
I don’t think you will understand. I hate this loneliness. I hate it with passion.
Do you know I still love you?
Solid yes. And you know how much.
So why choose the rest of the world over me? Do you know I am crying?
People are the worst. They will make you believe in goodness and then rip you apart. They will make you fall in love with them and then let you fall in a deep hell of agony. They will make you feel that they will be there by your side but when they feel like they are tired of being with you, they will leave you all alone. They will make you smile but cry as much. They will hurt you, leave you, use you, confuse you, betray you and break you. You trust them, you’re fucked. Let your guards down and they will prey on you. They will lie all the time. Maybe it’s really a dishonest world. And maybe there’s no such thing as honesty.They will make you feel they care for you when in fact, they only care about themselves, their own own happiness. This is what I have learned. Maybe this is how we are wired, to put ourselves above everything and everyone else. There are no real life heroes. Everybody is a villain in this world. And it is sad.
People are the worst. They will make you believe in goodness and then rip you apart. They will make you fall in love with them and then let you fall in a deep hell of agony. They will make you feel that they will be there by your side but when they feel like they are tired or being with you, they will leave you all alone. They will make you smile but cry as much. They will hurt you, leave you, use you, confuse you, betray you and break you. You trust them, you’re fucked. Let your guards down and they will prey on you. They will make you feel they care for you when in fact, they only care about themselves, their own happiness. People are damn selfish. This is what I have learned. Maybe this is how we are wired, to put ourselves about everything and everyone else. And it’s sad. It makes me sick.
If they say that men and women are patterned from a supreme being’s image and likeness, then, we can draw a conclusion that he, she or it, whatever that being may be, brought the worst creature to the world.
Because right now, I could not think of any creature worse than human beings.
I’m so damn hungover. I downed 4 bottles of beer and a bottle of red wine last night. At 8 pm, I already passed out.
I woke up two hours later feeling nauseous as hell. I wanted to update my blog but I had no control over my extremities although my brain is functioning well. LOL.
I went back to bed and listened to some music. There were English, Filipino, Korean, French, Thai, Russian, Japanese songs on my playlist. I did not know when it hit me but I fell asleep. The music helped. It’s good though, I needed enough rest because I had to work in the morning. After two hours, I randomly woke up and yep, that was it. Stayed awake til the morning light, just like the usual. Cumulatively, I only had 13 hours of sleep from Monday til today, Friday.
So I went to work this morning an hour early because I was so bored at home, had a cup of coffee cause I was still hungover and went online. And I was redirected to a portal, it said, I was disconnected. When I checked the account, it said zero balance due. What the fuck was that?
I tried to call their hotline but there was no response. I was literally going nuts.
I can’t even work. I can’t work online. I can’t watch music videos, I can’t watch YouTube videos. I can’t do anything…
At one pm, after eating lunch, I just decided to update my story. I was able to finish two parts (and published them just now, here’s the link Wire Me In (Home)). After that, I headed to my grandmother’s house for my auntie slash close friend’s wedding.
I took the train and because there’s a new system, and the machine wouldn’t recognize the card, I was so lost. I stood there like an uncivilized person trying to make things work. I figured I was tapping it on the wrong area. How the fuck would I know when there’s no instruction, or at least an informative picture of where to tap? I felt like an IDIOT. SMH.
Tomorrow, we are scheduled to look for wedding dresses. And I am not excited. She already showed me some of the designs, and I thought to myself, “THIS IS CLEARLY A MISTAKE.”
So revealing, I am telling you. God forbid, I would show the top half of my breasts and my inner thigh with that slit, the longest slit I have ever seen in my life. Would I really wear that dress? Would they really make us wear that dress?
Anyway, I am currently with my auntie while writing this blog. She is literally beside busy looking for designs on her phone. LOL. I’m so ruthless, am i not? 🙂
Got to head out for dinner. Thinking of pasta and pizza and a bottle of beer or two and another poem to write. I am still looking for inspiration. Hope I find it outside.
This morning, about 2:50 am, I received a message from somebody.
I love you padin and I miss you. (I still love you and I miss you)
My initial reaction was, “What the hell?”
So I responded to the person, let’s just call him ANON. A number registered but I am not sure if it was computer generated, you know those free text messaging they offer online, or it really registered the number of ANON. I just took the chance.
I don’t know why I am making a fuss about it but it just made me feel anxious. Is this for real? Was it from somebody I dated during college? Heck no. I haven’t really kept in touch with people I dated except for one. And I don’t think he will ever do that. And because I know it’s not him, I feel really sad. Yes, crazy as it may sound, I wanted it to be him. And there’s no way I’m going to ask him.
Is this an advertisement for free text messaging? If it is, then somebody just used the cheapest way to advertise shit. There are a lot of way to advertise shit, and not something that will play on other people’s emotions.
This better not be a prank too. People do not know the crap other people might be dealing with right now. What if the one you made fun of is someone who is in agony because he’s just been broken up with, or waiting for someone to come back, for God knows how long. Or someone who misses his ex and hoping that one day, they will end up getting back together and you just gave him false hope. Just… what the fuck?!
Might be a mistake too? I don’t know. I can’t figure this shit out. I feel like an idiot though. I should have not just responded. I should have not paid attention to it. I should have just let it go. But how can I not? It’s sad. It’s really devastating. I feel so bummed.