It’s the first christmas in almost five years… Christmas with somebody else. Christmas with no surprise. Christmas without you. I am not going to lie but this probably is the saddest christmas in my entire life. It’s not the same without you. It’s incomplete without you. I hope you find happiness. I will always wish the best for you and your family. Merry Christmas, my angel.
I was terribly sick last night. After having dinner, I just felt a shock cold all the way to my bones. So I was there, camping under the sheets, two sheets to be specific. I tossed and turned trying to sleep but I can’t. I tried to update my story and my blog but words weren’t coming out. I didn’t want to take pills either. I have taken a lot and I think they’re affecting my brain. I feel light headed all the time. I listened to music and I thought it could help but yeah, I was wide awake just chilling there like as if I was having a seizure.
I binge-watched danisnotonfire’s videos last night and I thought he was hilarious and relatable especially when the videos are about human interaction and being an awful person. I’m an awful person but I don’t chew pencils. I chew people. (Figuratively)
I found myself under the sheet watching many other videos from amazingphil, finebros, buzzfeed, watchcut et al until morning. Seems like I am becoming more and more attached to the Internet. Maybe it’s true that Internet is my life now. Less human interaction, less pain in life.
It’s morning and I have to work. I still feel sick though. Worse, it started raining.
So at 8 a.m. I already started preparing for work, still feeling sick. at 8:20, everything is done and ready. I read ten chapters of the book I am currently reading, The Lake House by James Patterson, a good book to read following David Baldacci’s The Hour Game before heading. At 8:50, I started walking to office. I wore a sweater cause honest to god, I feel really cold. Maybe it’s just me.
At 8:58, I arrived at the office and started setting up everything. I didn’t eat breakfast and I have no appetite today, like most days of my life, I have no appetite to keep going. I rested my head on the table for a couple of minutes and sick cried although feeling sick is not the reason for crying. That pain hit me again. I hate these days. 😦
I am in the phase where everything I do just doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right. Funny thing is I am not the person I used to be. Even my demeanor is foreign to me. Everything is foreign to me. I can’t even memorize three-digit numbers, let alone 10-digits, which, I used to be good at. I speak and sound different now. I can’t even finish a sentence without cracking my voice. Maybe I’ll just stop talking and learn sign language. Shame. I feel like I am in the Dark Ages and it doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense to me now.
9:21 am, currently writing this blog as I am waiting for my food. Sick and sad, listening to Hyun Bin’s That Man and some other songs that are straight up depressing, even upbeat songs sound depressing to me anyways. So it doesn’t really matter.
Do you know me?
Yes you do. You just look away.
Do you hear me?
Yes certainly. But my words don’t matter to you.
Do you know how I feel about you?
Of course you do. Everybody knows.
Am I not worthy of your time?
Maybe. I don’t hear much from you.
Is love blind?
I don’t think so. But humans certainly are.
Are you blind too?
No you are not. You are just farsighted. I am right in front of you but you seem to overlook.
Do you think you will learn to love me someday?
I don’t think so because you never really tried.
Is it that hard to love someone like me?
I can’t seem to answer this. But I know for you it’s impossible to love me. Chances are not over zero.
Do you know how much I dislike the human race?
Maybe you don’t… But I seem to adore you.
Do you know I wish I could care less about you?
Of course you don’t but I hate the feeling that I care about you more than I care about anything else in the world.
Do you know how lonely you make me feel?
I don’t think you will understand. I hate this loneliness. I hate it with passion.
Do you know I still love you?
Solid yes. And you know how much.
So why choose the rest of the world over me? Do you know I am crying?
People are the worst. They will make you believe in goodness and then rip you apart. They will make you fall in love with them and then let you fall in a deep hell of agony. They will make you feel that they will be there by your side but when they feel like they are tired of being with you, they will leave you all alone. They will make you smile but cry as much. They will hurt you, leave you, use you, confuse you, betray you and break you. You trust them, you’re fucked. Let your guards down and they will prey on you. They will lie all the time. Maybe it’s really a dishonest world. And maybe there’s no such thing as honesty.They will make you feel they care for you when in fact, they only care about themselves, their own own happiness. This is what I have learned. Maybe this is how we are wired, to put ourselves above everything and everyone else. There are no real life heroes. Everybody is a villain in this world. And it is sad.
People are the worst. They will make you believe in goodness and then rip you apart. They will make you fall in love with them and then let you fall in a deep hell of agony. They will make you feel that they will be there by your side but when they feel like they are tired or being with you, they will leave you all alone. They will make you smile but cry as much. They will hurt you, leave you, use you, confuse you, betray you and break you. You trust them, you’re fucked. Let your guards down and they will prey on you. They will make you feel they care for you when in fact, they only care about themselves, their own happiness. People are damn selfish. This is what I have learned. Maybe this is how we are wired, to put ourselves about everything and everyone else. And it’s sad. It makes me sick.
If they say that men and women are patterned from a supreme being’s image and likeness, then, we can draw a conclusion that he, she or it, whatever that being may be, brought the worst creature to the world.
Because right now, I could not think of any creature worse than human beings.