I quit my job last thursday… for real. I wasn’t so sure what to say at first though. I never liked string of questions. I wish I could just live in a world where people would not ask questions after the other. I really don’t know what to say exactly and how to raise the topic of my resignation. I was clueless the whole morning trying to figure things out alone. And words just came out. Officially resigned.

I went to the salon and asked the staff to dye my hair. She cut my hair, which i didn’t ask her to do… fucking five inches. When I saw what she did, the only word that was on my head was “MOTHERFUCKER” and I am not even kidding.

I am upset, bigtime. I never really cared about my hair but I had plans… So yeah, I am upset.

Still working on my stories. I am having crazy thoughts again and no one to share with. Guess I’ll just keep them to myself… Like I always do. Nothing new.

I have always wanted to experience a new environment but today is different. It’s coming close. I have lived my entire life seeing the same old faces, same old places, same traffic jam. Months from now, I will be somewhere else, somewhere far, somewhere different. Maybe I was really destined to fly, after all that’s happened, I think it’s just the right thing to do. Maybe I have to say goodbye to old faces and same old feelings. Pity, new year but it’s the same old feeling that I’m trying to get over with.

Sa Wikang Dayuhan

Paano kung magising ako isang umaga at iba na ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo?
Paano kung maisip ko isang umaga na gusto kong masilayan ang iyohg mukha sa mga araw na lilipas pa?
Paano kong maramdaman ko isang araw na hindi nalang pala paghanga ang nadadama kung hindi isang bagay na higit pa?
Ipaaalam ko ba o ililihim nalang para wala ng magbago pa?

Hindi ko maintindihan paano nagsimula ang lahat
Hindi pag ibig ang hanap ngunit iyon ang natagpuan
Nagdadalawang isip na sabihin sa iyo ng harapan
Kaya sa tula ko nalang ipahahayag ang tunay na nararamdaman.

Hindi ako buo, hindi ako handa… Hindi pa ako handa
Ngunit hangga’t nariyan ka, wala akong ikatatakot pa
Isang bagay lang ang hindi ko kayang gawin at hindi ko nalang siguro gagawin
Kaya sa ibang wika ko nalang ipahahayag, sa wikang dayuhan at hindi mo maiintindihan.

Hindi ko naman sinasadya pero minamahal na yata kita
Takot ako na umamin dahil puso ko ay puno ng pangamba
Mahal mo din ba ako? Takot akong magtanong.
Paano kung sambitin ko ang mga salitang idinaan ko na sa limot?
Mananatili ka pa din ba o lilisan din tulad ng iba?

Alam kong hindi maaari, malinaw sa atin ang lahat
Nangako at napagkasunduan na mananatili ang lahat kung paano tayo nagkakilala
Dayuhan na nagtagpo, dayuhan na nagkagusto, pero mananatiling dayuhan sa isip at sa puso
Mananatiling dayuhan sa nararamdaman, dayuhan na hindi maaaring mag ibigan.

Masaya ako sa simula dahil tayo ay nasa parehong pahina
Subalit ako ay naligaw, nawalan ng kontrol, tila ba sandaling nakalimot
Ngunit huwag kang mag-alala, wala akong hihilingin sa iyo
Huwag kang mangamba, pangako, kakalimutan ko na pag-ibig ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo.

Dumating ang pag-big pero pinipili ko na umiwas nalang
Pinipili ko na huwag na lamang sumugal at maghanap ng kasagutan sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa aking isipan.
Minsan lang ako magsisinungaling sa iyo, maniwala ka
Sa araw na maramdaman mo at magtanong ka kung minamahal kita, sasambitin ko ang mga salitang “Patawad pero hindi. Hindi yan ang aking nadarama.”

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In A Foreign Language

What if I wake up one morning and feel differently about you?
What if I realize one morning that I want to see your face every waking day of my life?
What if one day I feel something more than admiration for you?
Would I tell you or would I just keep everything to myself to avoid changes?

I don’t understand why and how everything started
I wasn’t seeking for love, yet that’s what I found
Should I tell to your face and admit how i feel about you?
Doubtful of what to do next, I’ll just express everything by writing this poem.

I am shattered, I am not ready… I am not ready yet
But as long as you stay close, I am not afraid to do anything
Except for one thing, one thing I would not dare do.
Scared to death, I’ll tell you in a language foreign to you.

This was not what I intended but I think I am in love with you
I am afraid and my heart is full of worries
Do you love me too? I am afraid to ask.
What if I speak the words that I have taken out of my system?
Would you stay or would you rather walk away?

Things can never be, this I am certain of
We made a pact, we promised, what we have can never change
Strangers who met, strangers who admired each other, but will be strangers in heart and mind
Strangers in their own feelings, strangers who can never love.

I was glad to be on the same page with you
But I was lost along the way, went out of hand, just a slight lack of judgment
Never worry, I ask for nothing
Never worry, I promise, sooner, this love I feel for you will be forgotten.

Love found me, but I’d rather choose to walk away
I’d rather not risk and wash away these thoughts inside my head
I’d lie to you once, believe me
When that day comes and you ask me if I love you, I’d say these words to you
“Sorry, but that’s not how I feel. I am not in love with you.”