This guy, a complete stranger, who lives 13000 miles, away made me feel things again. Of all the people who came into my life, this one made the most impact. It was as if he brought me to life, again. We would talk endlessly about things and I for sure felt a strong connection.
It was a crazy month, it was a crazy process but I liked him. In fact i liked him too much and I’d take short breaks at work just to listen to his voice, and laugh, and his crazy stories. I was just completely enamored. He made me laugh so hard and he embraced me for who I am. I wasn’t in the best shape when he met me, my demons were all over the place but he still showed me love and affection and for that… I was grateful.
I didn’t want to try but for him, I let my guards down. He is a wonderful guy and I genuinely like him that’s why I decided to take the risk and I knew deep in my heart, everything was going to be worth it. So I tried with him. He told me the words, I told him too. He showed me love, I loved him back. And for the longest time, for the first time, I found someone I’m willing to keep. I found someone I am not going to let go. I started a new chapter in my life, and I can say with all my confidence that he owns my heart at the moment and I’d love for him to hold it as long as he can, as long as he wants to.
It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. By the end of June, he changed his shift. He would work normal hours so that means, he would be awake while I’m asleep and vice versa. I would miss him a lot. I was so used to us talking all the time but I had to understand that we are adults and we both have responsibilities. If I’m being honest, I got scared. I got so scared that one day, he would be consumed by work and his responsibilies that we would start to fall apart. And I will be left all alone again. But deep in my heart, I have faith in him, that’s why until now, even if things are not quite the same, I’m still here, loving him.
By the third week of July, I started looking for an apartment and I found one. Two floors, two beds, one bath, rice fields and mountain view. It was so lovely. I fell in love with it. I thought, it’s time to start living for me. It’s time to grow and leave my parents shadows. I’ve thought of being on my own for months and months and I’ve been telling my parents. I thought they were going to support me this time, because obviously I’m an adult now and I’m capable of making my own decisions.
I talked to them one time and my world crushed… My world crushed when I heard the words “No, nobody is leaving this house. You’re wrong. You’re doing the wrong thing. We’re not talking about this anymore.” They dismissed me and my dreams just like that. I couldn’t explain how I felt but what I’m sure of was I was devastated.
The people who should be supporting my decisions, who should be helping me grow tore me down. And there’s my “should be” support group…
I did everything to become the best version of myself. I tried my best to become a decent person but why am I being treated like I’m not capable of running my own life? Why do my parents feel like I’m wasting my life and I’m making the wrong decisions? All I wanted is their support and they couldn’t give it to me…
And my world crumbled as I was being devoured by negative thoughts. All I felt for the past weeks are hopelessness, devastation, sadness, the stabbing pain in my chest. I lacked motivation to do things, even waking up was hard as hell. I had dark thoughts, really really dark thoughts to the point of wanting to end everything.
During my darkest hours, a friend showed me his support. I met him 4 years ago, when I was devastated too. We didn’t date but we had feelings for each other. We stayed as friends, and it was totally worth it.
He gave me his time and attention and watched me closely. He made sure I was taking care of myself too. Although at that point, I already fucked up. I already abused myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I was in the worst shape when he came to the rescue but all of the things he did, he meant well. He knew about Bunny and he respected my relationship but he did not understand the score between Bunny and I. Why we weren’t talking and why he wasn’t around. I told him, Bunny had things to do too and I did not want to drag him into the mess I am in. He also have things to fix and look after, job was so crazy and I was trying to be understanding.
One night, after I met my therapist, I received a text from Bunny. He apologized for not texting back because he was feeling down too. And I thought to myself, I couldn’t help him in my condition so I set aside my own issues. If he’s down and I’m down too, nothing is going to happen. So for him, I tried to get myself together. I would talk to people, I would reflect, I would ask for divine mercy… I thought, If I couldn’t save myself from this madness, I will try to save Bunny. I will make him happy. I know how it feels to be down and self loathing and I don’t want him to feel that way too. I don’t want him to get stuck in those feelings so I tried my best to cheer him up. And whenever I make him smile and he says he appreciates everything that I do for me, I feel a spark of joy in my heart.
He needed saving, he needed support, he needed understanding… The things I needed too. And because I didn’t get those from the people who were supposed to make me feel loved, I am trying my best to give them to another soul.