Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 10

Pill Popping

 

My hands are still shaking and I lost some grip (literally).

Anyway, I have been productive for the past few days and that means the pills are really helping me on my road to healing. On Saturday, I will have my therapy and today, I will be out for official business.

Last night I had a dream about earthquakes and demons but I woke up on the right side of the bed. Although, I have some weird problem right now..l and it is too personal to even share it here… my X drive is so low right now and I find it hilarious and annoying at the same time. I haven’t told my boyfriend yet lol. I read it’s also a side effect.

Yesterday, I told my friends that I want to be alone for the meantime… I don’t feel lonely anymore. I actually feel better, my mood is stable and I’ve been speaking to my parents. I will try to convince them to let me have my own place, maybe now they will understand why. And, my sis and I are looking for a car. We’re going to buy it as a birthday gift to ourselves. It’s always good to treat oneself sometimes, yeah?

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day because I think today is going to be a good day for me. Let’s go kill it! 🙂

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 9

Popping Pills

 

Day x of Pill-popping and my mood is stable at the moment. I feel funny in my stomach and my hands are trembling badly. Other than these, I feel just fine.

I knew I’d undergo medication as soon as I have those bad thoughts again. I have a therapy this Saturday (counselling) and I will tell my therapist that I went to a psychiatrist for a prescription, which I think really helped the past few days.

I am not going to lie, I got a bit scared the first time I took the medicines but I’ll be honest, I slept like a baby although I would wake up with a dry mouth and throat; side effects.

During the day, my hands will shake and I’d feel weak, still side effect. I can manage all these. I also trip a lot of times, seeing flashing things on my right eye, side effect. Other than these, I feel fine and I am still productive at work. As long as I don’t have the suicidal behavior or bad thoughts, I will be okay. I am okay.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 8

Popping Pills

My mouth is dry, my stomach feels weird and fuzzy, and I feel sleepy. My hands shake sometimes too. If these are the side effects of my medicines, I think I’ll be alright. Except for the sleepy part, I need to stay awake because I have things to do at work too.

I’m half asleep while I’m typing this.

I took both Valproic Acid and Escitalopram after lunch. I didn’t feel anything except I wanted to sleep. I actually passed out at 4 (I wasn’t planning to take a nap) then my brother woke me up, and I asked him the time, he said it’s six o’clock and I asked where our mom is. He said she’s coming home late. I said okay.

I asked myself why she left early. I thought it was already 6 in the morning and thought I should get up for work. I looked for my dog under the bed (cause he likes to sleep under the bed) then a couple of minutes after I realized, it’s 6PM and i’m off for the whole day. The whole night I felt disoriented and confused and I did not have enough energy to complete all the chores.

I fed, walked and cleaned the dogs, I ate a sandwich, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and took olanzapine and biperiden hydrochloride. As instructed by the doctor, I should take a tab after dinner and i should already be asleep in two hours. If I’m still awake, I should take half a tab of olanzapine. I wouldn’t lie, I got a little scared. What if I get allergic reaction or the meds don’t work for me and I get pretty bad side effect? But I told myself, I should trust the psychiatrist, he knew what he’s doing. I was awake for another 30 mins. I didn’t feel funny or anything, I just slept normally.

I woke up at around 12 midnight and my mouth was super dry, my throat was dry too. Maybe it’s the side effect, I went back to sleep. Next thing I knew, it was already 6:30 in the morning (the alarm woke me up)… I slept like a baby! I couldn’t hear or feel anything at all. My sis would normally go in the room and I’d wake up but that didn’t happen. If my alarm didn’t ring, I would be asleep until noon. I woke up and I felt like floating a bit. I was hungry too.

I went back to work, like the usual and reviewed all the things that need to be done. I ate a sandwich and took my medicines. Again, I felt super sleepy and a bit nauseous, but as I said, it’s manageable. My mind didn’t feel restless or anything. I felt normal. I have to take the medicines for 14 days and then see the doctor for consultation and follow up check up.

To be continued (My diagnosis)

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 7

I can feel myself slipping away. I would walk and my head would go blank as if I’m shutting down.

I talked to my doctor friend… I told him I’m sorry but I might disappoint him and I thanked him for being so kind all these time. It was around 1 in the morning when I texted my friend and he responded couple of hours after.

He started to get worried about the things I said and he knew instantly what I was planning to do… He told me to stop whatever I was planning to do, and he forbids me to do something stupid.

The urge is too high that sometimes I feel like I couldn’t control myself anymore. It’s always the call of the void in everything I see. I would see bleach and I don’t think of it as a cleaning agent anymore, I see it as something I could drink to kill myself. I would see a knife and my hands would shake and I always have to fight the urge to hurt myself. I would see my veins and imagine a blade running through them.

Even car rides are dangerous. I have been wanting to drive and crash or just jump out and get hit by another car… I am not afraid of pain anymore. I can handle the pain until there is none. My thoughts are really really disturbing right now.

I told him I’m alive. And there was a sigh of relief from his end. Told him I’m busy and I still need to process a lot of documents for my exports and I have a meeting coming up. He said at least he would be at peace over the weekends.

I laughed. I said, “not going to lie, i still have the urge to do it”

” You talk about it like it’s something to do in between all other stuff.” He said.

I talk about it so casually like it’s just some sort of a joke but deep inside, it’s eating me alive.

It is always mind over matter but how would you fight it if your own mind is your enemy? I am going back and forth on everything. I would be okay, then I would be miserable about nothing. I would function then I wouldn’t. I’d wake up and feel like dying and I’d get up and keep on living. I don’t even know how I made it this far, honestly.

I went to a psychiatrist, we talked and I told him about my suicidal thoughts and that I’ve been like this for so long… He apologized to me in advance, he told me about the pills I have to take… 4 different pills for my depression… bipolar disorder/Manic depression.

I smiled at him and told him it’s okay. And I should’ve done this a long time ago, not now that I’m so deep into it.

He wrote a prescription and told me to visit him after two weeks. And because of the pills I have to take, I’m not allowed to drink any type of alcohol, soda, anything with caffeine too. He said, kung kinaya mong tiisin for 4 years, siguro naman makakapaghintay ka ng two weeks, I don’t want to hear that you did something horrible… Kaya mo yan.” (If you endured it for four years, i think you can wait for two weeks more. I don’t want to hear that you did something horrible… You can do it)

Currently, I’m seeing both a psychotherapist and psychiatrist. Both for my counseling, one for the prescription.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 6

Let’s be brave alright? I tell myself this every single morning. I am not the strongest person in the room but I could be brave too. Life is still worth it, it is not always sunny but it will get better.

We all have our own problems, be it about finances, health, relationships and so on. The thing is, no matter how small or serious the problem is, you never compare yours with another person’s.

It’s one of those days again. I look around and I see everyone smiling. They have their own struggles too but it’s unlike mine, my struggles are inside my head.

The past few days, I’ve been having trouble getting up in bed. I would wake up late and just bury my face under my pillow and I think to myself… “Is it really worth it? Is waking up really worth it?”

I wake up, take a shower, feed the dogs, go to work, process documents, talk to Bunny, eat, go home, shower, sleep, wake up the next morning… and so on… I do this every day and slowly I feel myself getting lost in the process.

Is it really worth it? To do the same thing over and over again? Don’t get me wrong, I still try to be productive and I still try my best to make my relationship work but I’ve been feeling so down, self loathing… I’ve been feeling inadequate. I feel like I have nothing and I am not enough.

Truth is, I have a convenient life… I have a steady job, I have a family, I have savings, I have friends, I have a boyfriend but I still feel inadequate. When I was younger, I thought if i had the money, I would be happy… yes money does make things easier but it wouldn’t solve the emptiness I feel inside. It wouldn’t get the thoughts in my head.

All day, I would feel like one of these days something is going to go wrong… That one day, Bunny is going to leave me, that he is going to wake up and feel differently about me. Truth is, I trust him… I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I am really worth all the effort, the time, the investment. Since I haven’t proven anything yet, I haven’t even achieved anything yet, and I don’t even see myself as someone good at something. I usually ignore myself and focus on other people. I like making other people happy especially those I love, those who matter to me.

All the kind words mean nothing to me. It is easier for me to accept criticisms than compliments. I can hardly love myself and everything about me thinks I do not deserve any kind of love. I think it’s because I did almost everything by myself, growing up that is. Sure, my parents raised me, fed me, sent me to school… but i needed more than that, i didn’t get the support i wanted or the affection i needed. and because of that, i was conditioned that i didnt deserve them..

That is why I pour all my affection to other people. I am trying my best to make them feel loved and special and wanted. I want to save my loved ones from sadness because I couldn’t even save myself. It is addicting and it is consuming me alive. I couldn’t get out of it but I can try to save another soul.

And all these insecurities about myself just came crashing in. Parang ayaw ko na. (I feel like I don’t want to continue anymore). I would rest my head on my desk during my shift or just stare blankly at the wall. I would think about the things that could go wrong in my life, me losing my job, friends leaving, boyfriend breaking up with me, growing old alone and lonely… being stuck with the world I am living currently…

I would hear people laugh about small, petty things, over ridiculous jokes even if they’re having marital problems, or even if they’re lacking resources and I am just observing them with all the resources I have that they don’t have at the moment… I should feel at least a little relief but here I am, feeling sorry for myself for some reasons, for something I couldn’t fathom.’

I feel empty these days.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 5

This guy, a complete stranger, who lives 13000 miles, away made me feel things again. Of all the people who came into my life, this one made the most impact. It was as if he brought me to life, again. We would talk endlessly about things and I for sure felt a strong connection.

It was a crazy month, it was a crazy process but I liked him. In fact i liked him too much and I’d take short breaks at work just to listen to his voice, and laugh, and his crazy stories. I was just completely enamored. He made me laugh so hard and he embraced me for who I am. I wasn’t in the best shape when he met me, my demons were all over the place but he still showed me love and affection and for that… I was grateful.

I didn’t want to try but for him, I let my guards down. He is a wonderful guy and I genuinely like him that’s why I decided to take the risk and I knew deep in my heart, everything was going to be worth it. So I tried with him. He told me the words, I told him too. He showed me love, I loved him back. And for the longest time, for the first time, I found someone I’m willing to keep. I found someone I am not going to let go. I started a new chapter in my life, and I can say with all my confidence that he owns my heart at the moment and I’d love for him to hold it as long as he can, as long as he wants to.

It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. By the end of June, he changed his shift. He would work normal hours so that means, he would be awake while I’m asleep and vice versa. I would miss him a lot. I was so used to us talking all the time but I had to understand that we are adults and we both have responsibilities. If I’m being honest, I got scared. I got so scared that one day, he would be consumed by work and his responsibilies that we would start to fall apart. And I will be left all alone again. But deep in my heart, I have faith in him, that’s why until now, even if things are not quite the same, I’m still here, loving him.

By the third week of July, I started looking for an apartment and I found one. Two floors, two beds, one bath, rice fields and mountain view. It was so lovely. I fell in love with it. I thought, it’s time to start living for me. It’s time to grow and leave my parents shadows. I’ve thought of being on my own for months and months and I’ve been telling my parents. I thought they were going to support me this time, because obviously I’m an adult now and I’m capable of making my own decisions.

I talked to them one time and my world crushed… My world crushed when I heard the words “No, nobody is leaving this house. You’re wrong. You’re doing the wrong thing. We’re not talking about this anymore.” They dismissed me and my dreams just like that. I couldn’t explain how I felt but what I’m sure of was I was devastated.

The people who should be supporting my decisions, who should be helping me grow tore me down. And there’s my “should be” support group…

I did everything to become the best version of myself. I tried my best to become a decent person but why am I being treated like I’m not capable of running my own life? Why do my parents feel like I’m wasting my life and I’m making the wrong decisions? All I wanted is their support and they couldn’t give it to me…

And my world crumbled as I was being devoured by negative thoughts. All I felt for the past weeks are hopelessness, devastation, sadness, the stabbing pain in my chest. I lacked motivation to do things, even waking up was hard as hell. I had dark thoughts, really really dark thoughts to the point of wanting to end everything.

During my darkest hours, a friend showed me his support. I met him 4 years ago, when I was devastated too. We didn’t date but we had feelings for each other. We stayed as friends, and it was totally worth it.

He gave me his time and attention and watched me closely. He made sure I was taking care of myself too. Although at that point, I already fucked up. I already abused myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I was in the worst shape when he came to the rescue but all of the things he did, he meant well. He knew about Bunny and he respected my relationship but he did not understand the score between Bunny and I. Why we weren’t talking and why he wasn’t around. I told him, Bunny had things to do too and I did not want to drag him into the mess I am in. He also have things to fix and look after, job was so crazy and I was trying to be understanding.

One night, after I met my therapist, I received a text from Bunny. He apologized for not texting back because he was feeling down too. And I thought to myself, I couldn’t help him in my condition so I set aside my own issues. If he’s down and I’m down too, nothing is going to happen. So for him, I tried to get myself together. I would talk to people, I would reflect, I would ask for divine mercy… I thought, If I couldn’t save myself from this madness, I will try to save Bunny. I will make him happy. I know how it feels to be down and self loathing and I don’t want him to feel that way too. I don’t want him to get stuck in those feelings so I tried my best to cheer him up. And whenever I make him smile and he says he appreciates everything that I do for me, I feel a spark of joy in my heart.

He needed saving, he needed support, he needed understanding… The things I needed too. And because I didn’t get those from the people who were supposed to make me feel loved, I am trying my best to give them to another soul.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 4

So I fixed myself. I went on with my life. I turned on the lights in my room and started making friends again with other people. I tried to move on little by little and started to eat healthy. I still drank a lot, but not alone anymore. I drank with a friend, we talked, we went on walks, we hang out a lot. She became my best friend in the city. Life wasn’t going well for her as well, we shared each other’s brokenness. And we helped each other find the sparks that we missed.

Months passed and not a single message from him until one day, I saw a missed call… from him. I felt my heart raced and I went back to my room and sent him a text. The longing… the feelings all went back like nothing happened at all. I was still in love with him but he was still with her girlfriend and we tried our best to stay as friends although I knew deep in my heart that I see him more than that…

We talked about a lot of things and we would have small arguments but at the end of the day, we would still patch up. He loved and cared for me like dear friend and I loved him too… like a best friend and more than that. He eventually broke up with his girlfriend but we never got back together. He never wanted it.

Fast forward to year 2017, I left my job. I did not grow and I did gain anything at all. I was miserable, I had no motivation and I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there… I did not see my worth. I had nowhere else to go so I went back home. And I was stripped away of my freedom again. I was supposed to act like the daughter they wanted me to be so I did and everything felt like just like the old times.

Work was going okay, paid well. I was still talking to the guy and yeah, we were just talking. He never changed his mind about not wanting to get back together. My family would often ridicule me for talking to him. No support, no sympathy. I let the idea of support go.

Year 2018, I survived a year. Whatever I heard from them, I just didn’t mind, even if they were wrong about things, even if they assumed things, I just didn’t want to defend myself anymore.

April 2018, we stopped talking. He wanted to move on with his life, he wanted nothing to do with me. Even if I asked him not to go, he still left. I felt it before he even told me. We parted ways… I thought he would come around and give me a call days after but he didn’t… And months after, he still didn’t say hi. I couldn’t even greet him on his birthday. I just posted a message for him in this blog, thought maybe he would visit this one day and see it. Maybe he would greet me on my birthday… He still didn’t. No Christmas greeting… Nothing… I knew, I accepted that it was over. More than seven years in the making. It’s time to close that chapter… But truth was I couldn’t. I couldn’t even read our last conversations. I couldn’t even erase his messages. I didn’t want to move on from him. My heart belonged to him even if he wouldn’t accept it. Even if he stopped loving me years ago, I stayed faithful to him.

I talked to people to fill the emptiness I feel inside. My two friends here have become my support group. I didn’t try to date at all. In my head, I knew that I was still waiting for someone and I knew that if one day he comes back, I would choose him over anyone…

Until I met bunny.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 3

Okay, it was just a heartbreak, I thought. I’ll get over it eventually. But never a day gone by that I did not cry. I felt hopeless. I felt like I lost a big part of me. And my dad would never leave me alone. He treated me like I was a piece of trash, like I was a bird. He caged me, he even monitored my every activity from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, No phones beyond 9 pm, no phones before 9 am, he even confiscated my phone, like what he did when I was younger. And this went on and little by little, I started to lose my mind. I felt like I wasn’t a person at all… I was more like a domesticated animal.

I felt like I was choking to death and I needed someone to comfort me… So I ran to him. I reached out to him. He made me feel secured, he made me feel like someone was willing to take care of me, willing to listen, and he treated me like a human… Someone who needed freedom, someone who can make her own decision, he made me feel like a person with a free will. We would talk over email and I bought another phone. We kept our relationship as private as possible but it wasn’t easy at all. It was so damn difficult that we broke up a lot of times because of the logistics, the situation.

I graduated college and secured a job and I thought, finally, I’d taste freedom, independence. I could start being my own person… I thought wrong. I would hear criticisms over and over again. I would hear lectures from the cut of my hair to my job, to my apartment, to the city I lived, to my then boyfriend. And I felt like I was still 11… I felt like everything I did in my life was wrong. That I couldn’t make sound decisions and all these things started taking its toll on me.

I was damaged. I had no direction in life and the only happiness I had was him. This guy, who was not even my blood, supported and loved me…

Nothing good lasts forever they said. One morning, on my way to work, I learned that he was already in love with somebody else. And I felt like my whole world shattered before me. The guy I loved for years, the guy who stood as my best friend through all the crap, had already set his eyes on someone else. I pined for him for months. I felt like he abandoned me. Yung nag iisang kakampi ko, wala na din. (My only ally, he’s gone too)

I felt all alone. And I locked myself in the room of my apartment for months. I barely ate and I only drank liquor: morning, afternoon, evening. I was skinny as fuck, I was unhealthy from all the alcohol abuse, nicotine, occasionally harmed myself. I would visit home and acted as if everything was fine.

I would travel back to the city and have a pity party alone in my room. Replaying all the things in my head: the criticisms from my family, the guy who left, the job… I was broke, and my mind deteriorated. I was unhappy, I was devastated… I let my demons consume me. I played around, continued my alcohol and nicotine abuse, I starved myself, self harm, to the point of wanting to drink bleach. I almost did… Until someone told me to stop acting like a spoiled brat, spoiled kid…

 

to be continued

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 2

And this went on and on, school-home-school-home. Until one day, I started talking to this guy, three years older and we just instantly clicked. I was a teen, I started to feel butterflies, like any other normal person. We were just talking back then, and he sent me harmless letters. One unfortunate day, my dad went through my stuff without my permission and saw those harmless letters.

He sat me down and showed me the letters and started saying mean things, mean, condescending things to me… things like I’m being a flirt, I’m being cheap, a fan and so on. He spoke as if I did a crime, as if I stole something or killed someone. I never heard anything more hurtful than what he claimed me to be. I stopped talking to the guy. I was sad, I just lost someone who genuinely liked me and I couldn’t even defend him or myself. My dad confiscated my phone… he gave it back… and then one day, the phone just disappeared. I looked for it, never found it.

So I went on with my life and I slowly realized how deprived I was from a lot of things. I often felt envy… because my cousins, my schoolmates, my friends can do the things that I can’t do… And their parents are really supportive of their decisions.. And there I was, no matter how smart, no matter how high my IQ was, can never decide for myself just because I WAS STILL LIVING UNDER MY PARENTS’ ROOF.

I only experienced things inside my head. Even in college, I felt like I was still 11 and in everything that I was about to do, I need to tell every single detail to my parents… This was the truth.

I just turned 19 when I met him, the guy I loved for 7 long years. I was staying with my grandmother those times and I felt a sense of freedom, a sense of relief, that even temporarily, I could be myself. I could decide things on my own.

Everything was going great but I had to keep our relationship secret because I knew that my parents would turn batshit crazy if they knew… Take note, I was already 19, I wasn’t a kid anymore. I explained everything to him and he understood. Until one day, my dad found out… And the things he told me before didn’t even compare to the things he told me when he found out about my college boyfriend.

For a father to call his daughter devilish, a perennial liar and wish bad karma… the things no one would ever want to hear especially from their own flesh… The verbal abuse… mental and emotional anguish… The late at night cursing… just because I felt strongly for someone… just because I became a normal kid who felt things… was a bit too much… and it scarred me. It scarred him.

My dad lashed out on me and worse he also said mean things to the guy. I would accept all the cruel words my dad said to me but I couldn’t stand him being cruel to that guy. So I decided to just give up so the pain would stop.

Everybody lies at some point: to protect themselves and to protect other people. I did what I have to do to protect my relationship with the guy without compromising my studies. I broke up with him. I wanted to save him from my family’s madness.

to be continued