A Letter To My Greatest Love

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I wonder where you are, what you do, how you are, who do you love and who’s loving you. You can’t stop me from thinking about you because you’re my greatest love and you will always be.

I felt so lonely when you left, it was a different kind of lonely and I strive to get out of misery.

You’ve been okay dear? I hope so. Even if I’m with someone new now, I can’t help myself from thinking about you now and then. Do not get me wrong, I am madly in love with the guy I am with and I am never letting him go, the way I did with you before. I let you go, because I couldn’t force someone to stay with if they don’t want to. I couldn’t force you to love me if you don’t.

I tried to please you. I tried to be someone you can be proud of. A lot of times feeling ko I wasn’t enough for you, I wasn’t enough for anybody, not for you. I felt like madaming kulang sa akin and wala ako sa level mo, or ng mga ex mo.

Kahit pa sinasabi mo na smart ako, they have all the things that I don’t. I don’t have the material things, ang family ko complete but it’s not as happy as other family, I am not striking or anything. I am an average person and you’re not. You’re better among the rest. Even if you don’t want to accept it. For me, we’re not on the same level. You didn’t make me feel this way, I did this to myself. Ganito ang tingin ko sa sarili ko, I may appear confident but deep inside I felt inferior. Nevertheless, I did everything to make myself worthy of your affection.

I am not going to lie, you leaving me wrecked me really really bad. Nagdamdam ako, tampo syempre. I did not expect you to leave me like I’m just a stranger that you met. I asked myself, “What is so wrong with me that he keeps leaving me behind?” Let’s be honest here, you wanted to stop talking to me multiple times 80% of the time I was begging you not to. Now that I think about it, I was the only one holding and hoping for something good to happen. I did my best to make you stay with me and how I hoped that we would grow and mature and have our journey together.

You left me. I didn’t know where you went, I still don’t know where you are. I cried myself to sleep and I was sad for the longest time. But the silver lining was I focused on my job to forget the pain. I had dogs, I talked to friends, I talked to guys… and now, I’m talking to my boyfriend… who is still out of my league but who loves me even though he knew how wrecked I was before. He loved me despite of the crazy that according to him “oozes out of my pore”

You left but someone new came.. And this new guy loves me and takes care of me. And I could see myself with him for a long time.

I still have no courage to go back to our old conversation and I still don’t know how I would react if one day you call me. Maybe it’s not possible, maybe our paths would never cross again, maybe we would bump at each other at the mall and say hi… Maybe that time, we can be friends… who would never leave each other’s side. Maybe.

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Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 11

Pill Popping

I told my office mates that I’m taking mood stabilizer and I call them as vitamins. I did not lie about them being mood stabilizer, but they are more of anti psychotic drugs. I have been taking pills for two weeks now and I can still feel the size effects: the fuzzy feeling in my stomach and the hand shaking. I feel like my hands are weak all day, all night. But the pros are greater than the cons. Let’s see what the psychiatrist will say about these when I see him.

I had a great weekend. My family and I went tripping to this new subdivision, when I say “new” I mean, new as in still under construction. There were row houses, town and duplex houses for an affordable price. My brother and his wife plan on investing on some properties and i too, thought, if i can afford it, why not invest on it and lease it. That would be an extra income for me now that I’m planning on saving for my future already. Aside from house and lot, we are thinking of buying a new car too, my sister and I will split the payment. It’s something I’m looking forward to achieve before 2019 ends.

My boyfriend and I talked also on the weekends. We surely made time to text and call each other and update each other about work and some personal things. I feel closer to him now. We made up for the busy days and it made me feel so happy that he was around. I feel that our bond is stronger now. I could say things to him and he could say things to me too. We have an open communication and I trust him and myself more now.

I am busy with work but in a good way. My mind is busy but on things that matter. I am currently doing all compliance documents and reports for my exports to USA. Along with these, I got two separate job offers: one is full time, the other one is part time. Blessings are pouring before the month ended and I hope this momentum continues.

Still popping pills but I feel so much better now.