A Letter To My Greatest Love

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I wonder where you are, what you do, how you are, who do you love and who’s loving you. You can’t stop me from thinking about you because you’re my greatest love and you will always be.

I felt so lonely when you left, it was a different kind of lonely and I strive to get out of misery.

You’ve been okay dear? I hope so. Even if I’m with someone new now, I can’t help myself from thinking about you now and then. Do not get me wrong, I am madly in love with the guy I am with and I am never letting him go, the way I did with you before. I let you go, because I couldn’t force someone to stay with if they don’t want to. I couldn’t force you to love me if you don’t.

I tried to please you. I tried to be someone you can be proud of. A lot of times feeling ko I wasn’t enough for you, I wasn’t enough for anybody, not for you. I felt like madaming kulang sa akin and wala ako sa level mo, or ng mga ex mo.

Kahit pa sinasabi mo na smart ako, they have all the things that I don’t. I don’t have the material things, ang family ko complete but it’s not as happy as other family, I am not striking or anything. I am an average person and you’re not. You’re better among the rest. Even if you don’t want to accept it. For me, we’re not on the same level. You didn’t make me feel this way, I did this to myself. Ganito ang tingin ko sa sarili ko, I may appear confident but deep inside I felt inferior. Nevertheless, I did everything to make myself worthy of your affection.

I am not going to lie, you leaving me wrecked me really really bad. Nagdamdam ako, tampo syempre. I did not expect you to leave me like I’m just a stranger that you met. I asked myself, “What is so wrong with me that he keeps leaving me behind?” Let’s be honest here, you wanted to stop talking to me multiple times 80% of the time I was begging you not to. Now that I think about it, I was the only one holding and hoping for something good to happen. I did my best to make you stay with me and how I hoped that we would grow and mature and have our journey together.

You left me. I didn’t know where you went, I still don’t know where you are. I cried myself to sleep and I was sad for the longest time. But the silver lining was I focused on my job to forget the pain. I had dogs, I talked to friends, I talked to guys… and now, I’m talking to my boyfriend… who is still out of my league but who loves me even though he knew how wrecked I was before. He loved me despite of the crazy that according to him “oozes out of my pore”

You left but someone new came.. And this new guy loves me and takes care of me. And I could see myself with him for a long time.

I still have no courage to go back to our old conversation and I still don’t know how I would react if one day you call me. Maybe it’s not possible, maybe our paths would never cross again, maybe we would bump at each other at the mall and say hi… Maybe that time, we can be friends… who would never leave each other’s side. Maybe.

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Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 11

Pill Popping

I told my office mates that I’m taking mood stabilizer and I call them as vitamins. I did not lie about them being mood stabilizer, but they are more of anti psychotic drugs. I have been taking pills for two weeks now and I can still feel the size effects: the fuzzy feeling in my stomach and the hand shaking. I feel like my hands are weak all day, all night. But the pros are greater than the cons. Let’s see what the psychiatrist will say about these when I see him.

I had a great weekend. My family and I went tripping to this new subdivision, when I say “new” I mean, new as in still under construction. There were row houses, town and duplex houses for an affordable price. My brother and his wife plan on investing on some properties and i too, thought, if i can afford it, why not invest on it and lease it. That would be an extra income for me now that I’m planning on saving for my future already. Aside from house and lot, we are thinking of buying a new car too, my sister and I will split the payment. It’s something I’m looking forward to achieve before 2019 ends.

My boyfriend and I talked also on the weekends. We surely made time to text and call each other and update each other about work and some personal things. I feel closer to him now. We made up for the busy days and it made me feel so happy that he was around. I feel that our bond is stronger now. I could say things to him and he could say things to me too. We have an open communication and I trust him and myself more now.

I am busy with work but in a good way. My mind is busy but on things that matter. I am currently doing all compliance documents and reports for my exports to USA. Along with these, I got two separate job offers: one is full time, the other one is part time. Blessings are pouring before the month ended and I hope this momentum continues.

Still popping pills but I feel so much better now.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 10

Pill Popping

 

My hands are still shaking and I lost some grip (literally).

Anyway, I have been productive for the past few days and that means the pills are really helping me on my road to healing. On Saturday, I will have my therapy and today, I will be out for official business.

Last night I had a dream about earthquakes and demons but I woke up on the right side of the bed. Although, I have some weird problem right now..l and it is too personal to even share it here… my X drive is so low right now and I find it hilarious and annoying at the same time. I haven’t told my boyfriend yet lol. I read it’s also a side effect.

Yesterday, I told my friends that I want to be alone for the meantime… I don’t feel lonely anymore. I actually feel better, my mood is stable and I’ve been speaking to my parents. I will try to convince them to let me have my own place, maybe now they will understand why. And, my sis and I are looking for a car. We’re going to buy it as a birthday gift to ourselves. It’s always good to treat oneself sometimes, yeah?

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day because I think today is going to be a good day for me. Let’s go kill it! 🙂

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 9

Popping Pills

 

Day x of Pill-popping and my mood is stable at the moment. I feel funny in my stomach and my hands are trembling badly. Other than these, I feel just fine.

I knew I’d undergo medication as soon as I have those bad thoughts again. I have a therapy this Saturday (counselling) and I will tell my therapist that I went to a psychiatrist for a prescription, which I think really helped the past few days.

I am not going to lie, I got a bit scared the first time I took the medicines but I’ll be honest, I slept like a baby although I would wake up with a dry mouth and throat; side effects.

During the day, my hands will shake and I’d feel weak, still side effect. I can manage all these. I also trip a lot of times, seeing flashing things on my right eye, side effect. Other than these, I feel fine and I am still productive at work. As long as I don’t have the suicidal behavior or bad thoughts, I will be okay. I am okay.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 8

Popping Pills

My mouth is dry, my stomach feels weird and fuzzy, and I feel sleepy. My hands shake sometimes too. If these are the side effects of my medicines, I think I’ll be alright. Except for the sleepy part, I need to stay awake because I have things to do at work too.

I’m half asleep while I’m typing this.

I took both Valproic Acid and Escitalopram after lunch. I didn’t feel anything except I wanted to sleep. I actually passed out at 4 (I wasn’t planning to take a nap) then my brother woke me up, and I asked him the time, he said it’s six o’clock and I asked where our mom is. He said she’s coming home late. I said okay.

I asked myself why she left early. I thought it was already 6 in the morning and thought I should get up for work. I looked for my dog under the bed (cause he likes to sleep under the bed) then a couple of minutes after I realized, it’s 6PM and i’m off for the whole day. The whole night I felt disoriented and confused and I did not have enough energy to complete all the chores.

I fed, walked and cleaned the dogs, I ate a sandwich, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and took olanzapine and biperiden hydrochloride. As instructed by the doctor, I should take a tab after dinner and i should already be asleep in two hours. If I’m still awake, I should take half a tab of olanzapine. I wouldn’t lie, I got a little scared. What if I get allergic reaction or the meds don’t work for me and I get pretty bad side effect? But I told myself, I should trust the psychiatrist, he knew what he’s doing. I was awake for another 30 mins. I didn’t feel funny or anything, I just slept normally.

I woke up at around 12 midnight and my mouth was super dry, my throat was dry too. Maybe it’s the side effect, I went back to sleep. Next thing I knew, it was already 6:30 in the morning (the alarm woke me up)… I slept like a baby! I couldn’t hear or feel anything at all. My sis would normally go in the room and I’d wake up but that didn’t happen. If my alarm didn’t ring, I would be asleep until noon. I woke up and I felt like floating a bit. I was hungry too.

I went back to work, like the usual and reviewed all the things that need to be done. I ate a sandwich and took my medicines. Again, I felt super sleepy and a bit nauseous, but as I said, it’s manageable. My mind didn’t feel restless or anything. I felt normal. I have to take the medicines for 14 days and then see the doctor for consultation and follow up check up.

To be continued (My diagnosis)

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 7

I can feel myself slipping away. I would walk and my head would go blank as if I’m shutting down.

I talked to my doctor friend… I told him I’m sorry but I might disappoint him and I thanked him for being so kind all these time. It was around 1 in the morning when I texted my friend and he responded couple of hours after.

He started to get worried about the things I said and he knew instantly what I was planning to do… He told me to stop whatever I was planning to do, and he forbids me to do something stupid.

The urge is too high that sometimes I feel like I couldn’t control myself anymore. It’s always the call of the void in everything I see. I would see bleach and I don’t think of it as a cleaning agent anymore, I see it as something I could drink to kill myself. I would see a knife and my hands would shake and I always have to fight the urge to hurt myself. I would see my veins and imagine a blade running through them.

Even car rides are dangerous. I have been wanting to drive and crash or just jump out and get hit by another car… I am not afraid of pain anymore. I can handle the pain until there is none. My thoughts are really really disturbing right now.

I told him I’m alive. And there was a sigh of relief from his end. Told him I’m busy and I still need to process a lot of documents for my exports and I have a meeting coming up. He said at least he would be at peace over the weekends.

I laughed. I said, “not going to lie, i still have the urge to do it”

” You talk about it like it’s something to do in between all other stuff.” He said.

I talk about it so casually like it’s just some sort of a joke but deep inside, it’s eating me alive.

It is always mind over matter but how would you fight it if your own mind is your enemy? I am going back and forth on everything. I would be okay, then I would be miserable about nothing. I would function then I wouldn’t. I’d wake up and feel like dying and I’d get up and keep on living. I don’t even know how I made it this far, honestly.

I went to a psychiatrist, we talked and I told him about my suicidal thoughts and that I’ve been like this for so long… He apologized to me in advance, he told me about the pills I have to take… 4 different pills for my depression… bipolar disorder/Manic depression.

I smiled at him and told him it’s okay. And I should’ve done this a long time ago, not now that I’m so deep into it.

He wrote a prescription and told me to visit him after two weeks. And because of the pills I have to take, I’m not allowed to drink any type of alcohol, soda, anything with caffeine too. He said, kung kinaya mong tiisin for 4 years, siguro naman makakapaghintay ka ng two weeks, I don’t want to hear that you did something horrible… Kaya mo yan.” (If you endured it for four years, i think you can wait for two weeks more. I don’t want to hear that you did something horrible… You can do it)

Currently, I’m seeing both a psychotherapist and psychiatrist. Both for my counseling, one for the prescription.

Head Shrinking (Acknowledging that One is Depressed) Part 6

Let’s be brave alright? I tell myself this every single morning. I am not the strongest person in the room but I could be brave too. Life is still worth it, it is not always sunny but it will get better.

We all have our own problems, be it about finances, health, relationships and so on. The thing is, no matter how small or serious the problem is, you never compare yours with another person’s.

It’s one of those days again. I look around and I see everyone smiling. They have their own struggles too but it’s unlike mine, my struggles are inside my head.

The past few days, I’ve been having trouble getting up in bed. I would wake up late and just bury my face under my pillow and I think to myself… “Is it really worth it? Is waking up really worth it?”

I wake up, take a shower, feed the dogs, go to work, process documents, talk to Bunny, eat, go home, shower, sleep, wake up the next morning… and so on… I do this every day and slowly I feel myself getting lost in the process.

Is it really worth it? To do the same thing over and over again? Don’t get me wrong, I still try to be productive and I still try my best to make my relationship work but I’ve been feeling so down, self loathing… I’ve been feeling inadequate. I feel like I have nothing and I am not enough.

Truth is, I have a convenient life… I have a steady job, I have a family, I have savings, I have friends, I have a boyfriend but I still feel inadequate. When I was younger, I thought if i had the money, I would be happy… yes money does make things easier but it wouldn’t solve the emptiness I feel inside. It wouldn’t get the thoughts in my head.

All day, I would feel like one of these days something is going to go wrong… That one day, Bunny is going to leave me, that he is going to wake up and feel differently about me. Truth is, I trust him… I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I am really worth all the effort, the time, the investment. Since I haven’t proven anything yet, I haven’t even achieved anything yet, and I don’t even see myself as someone good at something. I usually ignore myself and focus on other people. I like making other people happy especially those I love, those who matter to me.

All the kind words mean nothing to me. It is easier for me to accept criticisms than compliments. I can hardly love myself and everything about me thinks I do not deserve any kind of love. I think it’s because I did almost everything by myself, growing up that is. Sure, my parents raised me, fed me, sent me to school… but i needed more than that, i didn’t get the support i wanted or the affection i needed. and because of that, i was conditioned that i didnt deserve them..

That is why I pour all my affection to other people. I am trying my best to make them feel loved and special and wanted. I want to save my loved ones from sadness because I couldn’t even save myself. It is addicting and it is consuming me alive. I couldn’t get out of it but I can try to save another soul.

And all these insecurities about myself just came crashing in. Parang ayaw ko na. (I feel like I don’t want to continue anymore). I would rest my head on my desk during my shift or just stare blankly at the wall. I would think about the things that could go wrong in my life, me losing my job, friends leaving, boyfriend breaking up with me, growing old alone and lonely… being stuck with the world I am living currently…

I would hear people laugh about small, petty things, over ridiculous jokes even if they’re having marital problems, or even if they’re lacking resources and I am just observing them with all the resources I have that they don’t have at the moment… I should feel at least a little relief but here I am, feeling sorry for myself for some reasons, for something I couldn’t fathom.’

I feel empty these days.