It is happening again

Since I cannot tell anybody about my condition, my psychiatrist is out of town too, I will just write it here.

I’m positive that I am overdosing on my medicines, I’m drinking more than I’m supposed to, and I am pretty sure my organs are suffering… I haven’t had my cycle for the past two months, I am gaining so much weight, I’ve been having low blood pressure from 90/70 to 70/40 (surprisingly I am still alive), my sleep isn’t normal and I almost don’t wake up every morning.

When I wake up, I ask myself this, “Is it really worth it?”

I find myself asking this question over and over again, convincing myself that life is still worth it, that there is something to gain on this journey. But recently, I’m having difficulty finding the right answer to it.

28 is already a long time to live, isn’t it? Casually telling myself this while endless sadness is consuming me.

Getting Cold Feet

I changed my all passwords to your name but recently I’ve been thinking of breaking up with you.

It scares me how much I like you and it even scares me that I want to settle down with you, and I am ready to leave the country just to be with you. I have never been so sure about marriage and having kids until I met you yet I’m getting cold feet.

Recently I wrote a poem asking if it scares you and if it bothers you how much I like you, now I am asking the same question to myself… It scares me to death… I am not afraid of love, I am afraid of losing someone I love. I am afraid that you will turn out just like the rest. I am afraid to lose you and that would hurt me so much. I do not know what else to do… and feel.

Again

My blood pressure had a sudden drop from 90/70 to 80/50 to 70/40 yesterday and I almost had myself admitted to the hospital. I’ve been stressed out and unhappy lately. I have no life outside work. The job and the self loathing feeling consumed me. And I thought to myself, maybe I will die really soon but it didn’t bother me at all. The thought of dying seems normal to me.

I’m burnt out, i’m super stressed, and i’m feeling down even if things are okay. Maybe the fact that things are JUST OKAY is never okay. I want things to work out for me, I want things to be great but how do I start?

I’m not enough, I’m just another average person, a wallflower, someone who wouldn’t stand out in every aspect. I’ve been working hard to build myself up but I feel like I’m back to square one now and I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do anything. It’s exhausting to be this sad and lonely.

Paano nga ba?

M: Di ko alam paano sisimulan
Itong awiting alay sa iyo
Di ko mahanap ang tamang tono
O tamang tanong para ikaw ay mapa oo

Sadyang mabilis ang mga pangyayari
Kaya eto ako ngayon at nagbabakasakali
Kabog ng dibdib, kamay ay nanginginig
Ako yata ay natotorpe kaya idadaan nalang sa nakaw tingin

Huwag sanang magising
Sa panaginip na ikaw ay akin
Hawak kamay, mata ay nakangiti
Saski sa tamis ang buwan at langit

Bathala iyong pakinggan ang aking dalangin
Di ko mapigil ang bugso ng damdamin
Itong awit isinulat para sa kanya
Puno ng pag ibig, marinig niya kaya?

F: Di ko mawari ang nais ipahiwatig
Ng iyong pagsulyap at palihim na ngiti
Ngunit ako rin ay may kaba sa dibdib
Sa tuwing ikaw at ako ay magkatabi

Kaya heto ako at aawit nalang
Mga salitang hindi ko masabi, nagbabakasakali
Na tama ang hinalang ikaw ay may pagtingin
Bathala ang dalangin ko iyo sanang dinggin

Huwag sanang magising
Sa panaginip na ikaw ay akin
Hawak kamay, mata ay nakangiti
Saski sa tamis ang buwan at langit

Bathala iyong pakinggan ang aking dalangin
Di ko mapigil ang bugso ng damdamin
Itong awit isinulat para sa kanya
Puno ng pag ibig, marinig niya kaya?

M: Ibubulong nalang sa hangin, pag ibig ko iyo sanang damhin
F: Aawit nalang sa mga bituin upang matamasa ang iyong pagtingin
M: Naduduwag, nauutal paano ko ba maaamin
F: Naghihintay, nag aabang, huwag na sanang itago ang iyong damdamin.

 

M: Male
F: Female

Let’s Sail Away

Let’s stop for a while, what do you say?
Let’s teach other’s way and brighten each other’s day
Can’t you see those little shining stars above your head
When you crack that silly smile, you make me blush, you make me red

Your eyes, your nose, and your lips
I dream of tracing them with my fingertips
You dislike the waves in your hair yet I like them so much
Your gentle face, I would really love to touch

Your voice is haunting, your laughs are enchanting, so inviting
Let’s pause whatever we are doing, and wonder what will be our future together
Can you read my mind, do you see yourself in my wildest imaginations?
How nice would it be in the same room, you goofing around, and us laying our guards down

The way you move across the room is like roses is full bloom
The subtle hints you throw at me, they make me weak in both my knee
Let me follow you around like a dog chasing its tail
Everything’s magic, so let’s jump into this ship and let it sail.

Let’s Stay In

Take a sip on my cola to refresh your body and clouded mind
And I will watch you smile from the side of my eye
Just relax, we got time, rest your head on my shoulder
If you want, we can spoon while watching your favorite show together.

Could be drama, could be romance, could be thriller if you’d like
Could be horror, could be sci-fi as long as you hold my hand
I don’t really care what the weather we could stay in here forever
Let’s forget about the strangers, you and I, we complete each other.

I’d cook you buttered popcorn and buy those puffs you love
This settee will be our kingdom while we drown in each other’s arm
Call me cheesy, call me corny and you can even call me sappy
But I wouldn’t stop calling you bunny, honey, darling, baby and lovey

I will take a sip from your ice-cold beer from the mug with your name
And I will smile at you while I watch you fall asleep and will try to do the same
I will paint a picture of your face in my head and kiss you gently on your cheek
And will dream the sweetest dream with you beside me, you and i sharing this silky sheet.