The Reasons Why I Will Die An Old Maid

1. I am picky.

I am picky in almost everything except for food. When I don’t like something, there’s no way I will ever like it. And it’s a problem.

I am picky when it comes to job. I have been offered other jobs and when I see something that I do not like, I immediately turn it down. I wasted a lot of opportunities just because of the petty things. But I am not unemployed. Well, I am currently employed and I have been working in the same company for more than three years. And in that span of three years, I have ranted a lot. I pick on everything. I always criticize everything. I do not like this or like that. There’s never a week that I did not feel upset because I didn’t really feel like doing tasks. I’d murmur to myself like crazy but in the end i’d still finish everything before the deadline.

I am picky when it comes to people too. Like how I treat jobs, when I see something that I do not like to a certain person, I would not deal with the person again, unless I have to. I am not friendly, I do not look friendly. I kind of look like a bitch. Although I know that we all have flaws, I really cannot associate with people who are on my “can never deal with this type of person list” but I do make exceptions though. When I like you, I like you. And if I like you and I am friendly with you, then you really are special because can become the most anti-social person if I want to.

2. I do not like going out.

The only reason I go out of the house is when I have to go to work or buy something. I can feel the anxiety when I see people. It’s like every stare is going to stab me. I do not like having to deal with people. No offense intended, I studied a bit of sign language as an escape tactic when I don’t want to talk to deal with strangers. Like you know, pretending to be deaf and mute because I am too lazy or i am not interested.

3. I love silence too much to give it up.

I can’t stand hearing constant noises. I do not like loud people. I do not like hearing vehicles. I do not like the sound of banging doors. I enjoy silence too much to give it up. I prefer to be alone. Or if there is someone else in the room, i will appreciate it if he can enjoy being alone together sometimes, without having the need to constantly communicate. Comfortable silence. I can be in a state where my head is up in space and I am unreachable, I am like half dead at times. And I’m not in the mood to listen to voices. Sometimes I need silence to think. I need silence to concentrate. It’s in silence that I find sanity.

4. I am willing to compromise but I hate arguments.. really.

There are no two persons alike and because of differences, arguments cannot be avoided.

Arguments stress me out so much. I do not like the heavy feeling when I am not in good terms with the person. I couldn’t sleep, eat or do anything. In order to have a solid relationship with other people, i have to be more understanding and have more patience. The problem is, i get annoyed in little things and that alone may lead to arguments. More often, when I get pissed off, i stay quiet and distant and i do not discuss things. It’s bothersome for me. But I know i have to communicate in order to fix the misunderstanding. I feel bad whenever I hurt other people’s feelings, especially if they are important to me. I may say hurtful words that’s why i always choose to keep quiet. And because of my unwillingness to converse and not explaining why, sometimes, the situation gets worse.

I have no problem in compromising things as long as it’s fair and beneficial for me and other people. The problem is, I don’t want any argument before that.

5. The adjustment

It’s hard to be in a situation where you have to constantly adjust. You cannot do whatever, wherever, whenever. Changes cannot be avoided and I have to adapt whether i like it or I don’t. It’s not just me anymore, there’s always another person or persons that I have to consider. I am used to eating alone. And sometimes I eat weird food. Whenever I am with other people, I have to consider if they would want to go with me or if they are allergic to something.

Whether little or big adjustment, it will be continuous. And the question is, can I keep with up with the changes? What if I get tired, can i just run away? There’s too much to think about. And if i decide to engage in a relationship, whatever relationship it may be, I have to give a part of me.

6. Freedom

Is any relationship worthy of giving up my freedom? I am being realistic here. Will the benefit of having somebody else outweigh the benefits of being alone? I mean, I can survive alone. I can do chores alone. I even worked in the office alone and I was happy.

I love being free. I love being able to decide things on my own. I love being free from any worries. I love being free to do things my way and i love being free from any burden from other people.

I can be happy alone but they say that happiness doubles when there is somebody to share it with. The idea may be true but it doesn’t necessarily apply to everybody

It’s hard to give up your freedom when you have been free for too long, especially when you have learned to be happy on your own. I wouldn’t deny that it can get lonely sometimes, but it wouldn’t kill you. It did not kill me. It will be awesome to have someone, but it is not necessary. It’s a matter of preference.

7. Anxiety

I am very anxious. Even when there is nothing wrong, I always feel that something is wrong. Even the slightest thing worries me.

I am not sure of myself. I know I am not perfect. I am not even likeable that’s why I find it weird when people want to become friends with me. Then I’ll start thinking that they just like me because they need something from me. Or i am in a relationship, I will worry that soon the other person will leave me because I am not the best person to be in a relationship with. That when he finds someone better, he will eventually break up with me.

I am very conscious about what other people might think about me. Having nothing much to offer, I feel no better. I’d rather be alone. By being alone, I do not have to worry about what other people might think about me. I don’t have to impress them. Even if I am not the best person, it wouldn’t bother me because I know I am not letting somebody down.

8. Trust issues

My wall is too high. I don’t trust people easily. It’s too scary to lay yourself out there and let people affect you. I am not ready to open up myself because I have too much weakness in me. I may appear tough but in reality, I break down all the time.

To give your trust to people is to let yourself become vulnerable. And I am not ready to show that vulnerable side of me. I have been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again. Like it or not, intentionally or unintentionally, people will hurt me. But as long as it is not someone I gave my trust to, it wouldn’t be that bad.

In a relationship, you have to trust the other person. It depends on how much you can give. But in my case, it’s either I give my full trust or none at all. And it’s too risky. I am not ready to take that risk yet. I am not ready to share my personal space yet. Besides, I am already contented with the people I gave my trust to.

9. Commitment

Commitment is such an intimidating word; it is such a scary thing to say.

I don’t think I have ever fully committed myself into something. I cannot even spend 8 hours working, like literally working. There’s always an excuse to do something else. I cannot commit to work, let alone, human relationships.

Human relationships are complex. Unlike in jobs, where you invest your time and talent, here, you have to invest your feelings, time, and mostly everything about you. You are dealing with a person, so you cannot commit half ass.

You will share a part of you, in all aspects. You will give, give in to something, give up something, compromise, argue about something, patch things up, lay yourself out there. You will not only think about yourself, you have to think about the other person too. And even if you didn’t want or intend to think about the other person, you will eventually do and sometimes it will be bothersome.

I cannot commit fully right now. I will be unfair to the other person. Even if I try to, it will never be enough. I am not getting younger and I am approaching my quarterlife but I know how important commitments are and I don’t want to engage into a relationship and fail to give what the other person deserve. If I cannot do boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, I can never be married.

10. I am neither pro marriage nor pro kids (as for now)

Most of my friends are either getting married and having a baby and here I am, eating corn. I also bought chocolates and now thinking about what to eat for lunch tomorrow. I don’t usually eat breakfast.

Had a typical day today. Went to work, talked to people, ate lunch, checked emails, ranted about some work and some people, drank orange juice, watched random clips, worked, went home, ranted about work and some people again and had dinner. I checked my facebook account and most of the posts are either about people’s relationships, eyebrows, filtered selfies and babies.

My gallery has a bunch of babies and little kids’ photos too. I would constantly receive them from my aunties, about my age, but already have families of their own. I can tell, they are obsessed with their kids. Well, I guess it’s normal that parents are obsessed with their babies. Also, parents’ siblings are obsessed with their nieces and nephews too. But I am not. I am neither obsessed with babies nor with little kids. But I don’t hate them.

I have never pictured myself having a pregnant belly. I have seen myself with beer belly and it’s easier to manage. Imagine, there’s a living creature inside your belly that you have to carry and take care of for nine months. How scary it is to think about having a little creature kicking and moving inside your belly. To be honest, when feel something in my belly I panic a little, let alone having a living thing in there. Everything is inconvenient. Walking, sleeping, eating, reaching for things et cetera. Too many downsides and the only upside is having a baby and I don’t even like the idea of constantly taking care of babies.

And if the process of pregnancy is not terrifying enough, how about giving birth? I will not give full details but you can just picture the normal birth like giving birth to a bowling ball and yes, the whole thing comes out of the vagina (not the butthole). And it can last for several hours! I cannot imagine the pain of trying to push out a baby out of your vagina. I cannot even tolerate the pain when I am constipated, I get headaches when I am trying to push the poop out and i feel like I’m dying. If you cannot do the pushing out thing, then do the Caesarian section where the doctors will do an incision in your belly and pull out the baby from there. Either, for me, is terrifying.

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From a Person Who Will Always Hate Politics

I am not a politician. I am not a political analyst. My profession is not associated with anything that concerns politics. I am simply a citizen who has the right of suffrage, and by suffrage I mean “the right to vote using my own will, free from the influence of authority, and my absolute freedom to choose.”

Couple of days from now, the Filipino community will again exercise their right to choose the future leaders of the country. The campaigns have been a disaster for me, personally. The tune of the jingles of the politicians serve as my alarm clock every morning. The countless advertisements posted in every corner of the streets are my view on my way to the office. The paid advertisements on the televisions, the drama of every politician trying to persuade the Filipino community to vote for them have been in every commercial in the local networks. I have to understand that it is the campaign period, they are allowed to do the above mentioned, and I have no choice but to endure what’s happening. It will end soon, I told myself.

This will be an exciting year now that we have an easy access to news and current events be it via TV or social media where everyone can speak their mind. The interaction is one click away. Raising our opinion has never been this easy. I was happy that even the teenagers are showing interest and the whole world can hear our voices. I was excited… I was happy… I “was”.

I used to read news. I used to be updated with current events. I used to read blogs. I used to log in to Facebook to read the opinions of my friends about the aspiring leaders of the country. I used to see the election as a door to a “better Philippines”. I used to like the fact that we have easy access to media but now that this campaign period has become by far the worst campaign period I have experienced my entire life, the things that I used to do, my enthusiasm to be a part of the change, have faded.

We are looking for a future leader yet the candidates have been dragging one another’s names to the pits of hell. The closer the election day, the dirtier their tactics, the dirtier their mouths, the dirtier they get. Instead of builidng their platforms, instead of presenting a plan for the better Philippines, they present controversies and what not, against their co-candidates. One candidate rises and the rest will pull him down. Another candidate tops the survey and the rest counter by throwing stones against him; acting holier-than-thou, exerting the best effort in ruining the names of their opponents rather than investing more time in reviewing what this country really needs and creating the best platform to win the votes of the Filipino community. What this country needs is a leader, not a celebrity. Yes this is a serious matter and should be taken seriously. But how would I take this seriously if the candidates are presented in the worst way possible? Media fallacies, circus reports, bias news, where is the road to the truth? We are in the era where everything is being manipulated.

As for me, my method for choosing a leader has changed. I will not vote for the one who is the most deserving, but for the one who has the least baggage, the one who is the least evil of them all. It has become an elimination method. Ranking from the worst, not the best.

Just when i thought that the presidential candidates are the biggest jokes in the upcoming elections, it has come to me just recently that the Filipino voters have become the real disasters. I used to like the fact that they are taking part in the elections. We have the right to support whoever we want to, whoever we think is the most fit for the presidency. I used to like the power of the social media where we can express our thoughts, our views, our opinions. I used to like the freedom of speech bestowed upon us. The term is I used to.

Now that the people have seem to have misunderstood the real essence of freedom of speech or the term democracy itself, I am slowly developing fear for the future of our country. Where people can easily say whatever they want to say, however they want to say, whenever they want to say it, has come to place, the idea of “your rights end when the rights of other people begin” must have been forgotten. The use of the freedom of speech has been leading to what we call keyboard wars.

We have the right to support whoever we want to support. We have the right to campaign for whoever, paid or for free. But we have no right to judge people by their choices, nor have the right to curse people or wish ill towards their significant others. We have no right to attack other people, be it verbally or God forbid, physically, just because they do not share in our beliefs. We have no right to tell people what to do, or act superior for we all have the same EQUAL RIGHTS. We are wired to think, we are wired to act in our own discretion RESPONSIBLY, MORALLY, JUSTLY.

We may be divided by our choices but should we really fight one another? We are divided by our choices but should we really isolate those who chose a different candidate to support and call them stupid or retarded? Is it really that impossible to show support without shaming other people? Do we need really need to hurt our fellowmen and prey on them? Then if we cannot learn how to respect other people and their beliefs, we can never achieve a peaceful country. The new government has yet to start but we are already divided.

What have we become? Are we really the intelligent voters we describe ourselves to be? Is this how we show our support to the leader of our choice? There is too much bashing, too much derogatory remarks and too much bullying circulating in social media and i have reached my tolerance for this stupid shit. And I have come to the conclusion that it is easier to absorb things and become a pseudo political analyst/expert than to exercise Good Manners and Right Conduct. Yes, we are thinking community and it is apparent, we fight to what we think is right, but we lack compassion and respect to other people. If we all act this way, then maybe we should all be sent back to school to learn proper manners.

We need the government but the government cannot stand without the people. And to have a strong country, we need to act as one community regardless of who supported who. We share the same country and ultimately, we only want the same thing, a safe haven for the Filipino community. They say change is coming, I say regardless of who wins, changes will come. May God preserve this country, and as a member of the Filipino community, let the change begin with me.

I’ve been away for a while

I don’t know if people have been visiting my blogsite lately. I haven’t really been updating for a while. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. I know I have accepted the 30-day challenge but I am damn sure that I have lost the challenge already. I was pretty sure I can keep up with the lapses, but now, I think I can’t anymore. I feel that life is empty and I can find no motivation. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know who I am anymore.

For the past few days, I have just been eating, watching, sleeping. This morning, last day of my long days off, I came across this movie. I was the only one who enjoyed it, mainly because I can relate. It’s not a love story or a chick flick, not murder, not drama, not comedy. It’s about an asylum.

I still have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I just choose to sleep in the morning when I stay up the whole night. Sometimes I do fall asleep but those nightmares always interrupt my not so usual night sleep.

My nightmares have been worse. One time I had a dream about a certain person who’s just vanished in front of my eyes. I reached into him but he refused to hold my hand. I have been constantly dreaming about people leaving me in despair.

Last night, I had a dream about a crazy man who’s on a shooting spree. I was there, in the dark, hiding. I can hear people screaming that he is coming to kill us all. I was beside my aunt who was singing worship songs just in case we die. All I hear was her singing and shooting and people screaming and I froze. I just froze there in the dark. And I suddenly woke up and felt my heart racing. I sent him a text. I said, “I just randomly woke up from another nightmare.” it was 4 in the morning.

I thought the nightmare could have not been worse, but I had another nightmare. The shooting and killing wasn’t enough. I had a dream about the devil. He was there. He went inside a friend’s body and he started screaming and acting like crap. It was like the fucking exorcist movie. It was horrible, terrifying, ghastly. I don’t know how to describe it. I stood in the back, I wanted to hide but he went to me. He wanted to stab me using a pair of scissors. He looked so scary that I had chills down my spine. He went towards me. He stared at me as if he wanted to suck my soul. He went there for me… He wanted to take me. The devil wanted me.

I thought I was dead for a moment. I thought I’d die then and there. All I know is that there’s chaos in my head. I woke up. I texted him again. “Woke up randomly from another nightmare. I don’t know when’s it going to end.” It was 5 in the morning.

I tossed and turned and the next thing I noticed is that the sun is up already. Disturbing. Yes I was disturbed, I am still disturbed and I have questions in my mind. There is no difference in being awake and being asleep. They both bring nightmares. I don’t want this. I never asked for this but what can I do? I am ill. I am mentally ill. And I hate that I have this. This is embarrassing and humiliating and sad.

I am in the borderline of being crazy and sane. Nobody noticed but I knew all along. Who would’ve thought I’ll be having this mental disorder? I’ve known since I was 11. It’s just now that I have accepted it. It’s a lifetime battle against myself.

You Will Never Be a Stranger To Me

Back when we were still together, I always wondered how’d we end up. Will we end up getting married? Will we end up being friends? Worst thing i had imagined is that we will end up on how we started, strangers; and this is what i have always feared.

I have a wish that whenever i come across your mind, you will remember all the good things we have been through and all the plans we have made for the future.

Hopefully, you will remember how we laughed and cried together, how we got each other’s backs. Hopefully you will remember how much we loved and protected each other. Hopefully you will remember that once in your life, i gave you my mind, my heart and my soul; that once in your life you let me be a part of it and that once in your life, i have loved you more than anything else in this world.

For all I know, I will always remember that once in my life, a stranger came and stole my whole existence. That stranger swept me off of my feet. That stranger gave me a million reasons to smile and to keep moving forward. That stranger became my lover and my best friend; that stranger loved me with all his mind, heart and soul. That stranger meant the whole world to me.

I will remember that stranger as damn adorable and lovable, like he has always been. I will remember that stranger. His voice, his laugh, his excitement, his humor, his loneliness, his wit, his kindness, his dreams… everything about that stranger.

I will always remember that the stranger I am talking about is you. And you will never become a stranger to me for I will always remember you.

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Almost Living in Hell

I can handle physical pain well but not heartaches, this I realized just now that I am in my 20s.

There is this one guy that I really love. There was an us once, but that phase has already ended. Our relationship is officially over. But my feelings for him hasn’t ended yet. In fact, I am still in love with him while writing this blog.

Do you know how it feels to be that someone who hasn’t moved on yet? Let me tell you.

Everyday is a torture. Sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night will become your habit. You will reminisce those moments when you two were deeply in love. When the both of you will just stay up and chit chat until the morning. The jokes, the petty quarrels, the sweet words, all of them. You can hardly sleep cause deep in your heart, you miss them, you miss him. You miss everything. You feel alone, you feel extremely lonely cause you’d rather have sleepless nights talking to him, than a complete 8-hour sleep without him.

You will wake up hoping there is a text from him. Even a single text will do. You will reread those messages you saved and locked on your phone cause there are thousands of them then you will smile and cry like nuts at the same time. Everytime your phone vibrates, you are hoping it’s him that sent you a text and you get frustrated if it didn’t come from him. You get over excited whenever you see his name on your phone. It’s the same feeling you get when he first sent you a message saying hi or hello. You turn your volume up so you can never miss his message. You don’t care if you wake up in the middle of the night just to be able to get his calls. You drop other’s call and you don’t care at all… Cause you would rather receive a single text from him than a thousand from other people.

You will scan the pictures he sent you. Even the weirdest doodle is your treasure. Remembering those crazy moments you had together. You will feel delighted and tormented at the same time. Tormented cause you know those days are over and you can never go back. There are no second chances cause for him, it’s all part of the past. And here you are, still hoping that one day, you can still make memories together. It’s only make believe. But still, you’re choosing to believe cause for you, there is nothing impossible even if the reality was slapped into your face a hundred times already.

Alcohol is an option. You will drink at least once cause you’re having trouble dealing with the burning sensation in your chest because of the pain of not having him around anymore as your lover. You’d rather have your throat fired up than feel that heat in your heart. You take shot after shot after shot until you lose control of your senses, until it knocks you out, until you feel that you can go through the night without thinking of him. Deal with the hangover the next day. At least there are pills for hangover, but there isn’t one for heartbreak. But still, no matter how drunk you are, you are still waiting for him to come to the rescue. You will still send him messages even if you can’t type properly. Even if you’re a bag of shit at the moment… You will still try to call him and win him back. Cause even if you are drunk, your mind is still clouded by the thoughts of him. Alcohol is nothing… You are completely intoxicated by him.

You try to act normal when he is around. You smile, you laugh, you joke, you cry together. You even tell stories about your work and your friends as if you’re doing just fine.You listen to him and you do it sincerely. You want to make him feel comfortable as if everything is cool cause you don’t want to build a wall between you and him. Even if you want to hug him so tight, even if you want to kiss him on the mouth, you just can’t… cause clearly, there is already a big gap between you and him. You don’t talk about the gap but it’s already processed in your mind that you are not a couple anymore.

You can’t get mad at him for not spending time with you or not talking to you. You can’t get jealous of other girls. Even if you want to yell at him, even if you want to tell him to stop talking to other girls, you just can’t. It will drive you crazy. It hurts so much that you sometimes wish you’re numb. You can’t demand or wait for anything coming from him cause you have no right and it is not his obligation to explain or give you anything in return cause there’s no reason for him to do that. You’re just there on your bed side crying… Cause it’s all you can do, cry and endure the pain. You cannot complain. You cannot whine about something that’s over. Yes it is over and still, you give everything you have to him. You stand by him through the good and rough times. You know you’re waiting for nothing but you don’t give a shit if you get nothing cause you just want to hang on to him. Even if he tells you stop waiting for him. Even if he lets you sleep alone at night, even if he keeps you to where you should be, you shamelessly cling to him cause a part of you has already been taken by him and if you dare to let him go, you will be in total ruins.

You tell yourself to stop loving him. You keep yourself busy. You go out with friends, visit family, you do everything to keep your thoughts away from him. You just want to forget everything about him so you can move the fuck on with your life. Sometimes you just try to remember all the bad so it’s easier for you to move on but you end up thinking about all the good he has shown you. Cause you adore him too much. You find him amazing… Even if there are reasons for you to forget him, you will still find a million reasons why you should remember him. And you always choose to keep that image in your mind. It’s puzzling.. Yeah, you’re a madwoman.

You find another lover… You meet new guys, but you always end up turning them all down because the thought of not loving him anymore hurts you like hell. The thought of forgetting him makes you insane. The thought of not remembering how he loved you and how you loved him makes you feel empty. Not loving him is almost the same as not feeling anything.

You are genuinely happy seeing him happy. You don’t really care if it hurts you. What is important is you’re there and you made him smile. You’re saving your time for him. You’re still willing to cross oceans for him. You won’t hurt him, you won’t disappoint him. You’re still willing to kill and die for him. You’re happy doing things for him. But when the night comes, all the happiness turns into sorrow. The Utopia you feel when you’re with him ends at midnight. You’re all alone again. Dreaming those ghastly dreams and waking up alone. The words “I don’t love you anymore” linger in your head, it stabs your heart a million times and you just spent the whole night staring at darkness. You continue living even if you are slowly dying… It’s like almost living in hell. But even if you want to give up, you can’t… you just don’t… cause you are too afraid that you might not see him anymore. Because you will miss him. Because you still love him…

The Pain in my Chest

I am tired, I am anxious, I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to hear him. I just want to talk to him.

I am too lovestruck with him that I have forgotten the world around me, I have forgotten me. For the past few years, I have always considered his happiness over mine.  Have I given too much? Maybe. But I don’t regret it. For the past few years, his happiness had been my happiness as well. I supported him along the way, I even tried to become the heroine I can’t be just to protect him, leaving my guards down.

Now it is undeniable that I am in total ruins. I have forgotten that I have my own self to take care of. I was busy protecting and taking care of him that I have left minimal to myself. To take care of him, to make him happy, to protect him, to be there for him all the time, to make sure that things are going all well… These were my  motivation to keep on living. Simply put, my world revolved around him.

I know that things aren’t supposed to work out that way.. But can you blame me for falling so hard for this guy who gives me peace after hearing all the world’s noises?

Love moves in incomprehendible way. Even I don’t understand its ways.

One month… I haven’t had a decent sleep for one month. When I fall asleep, I only have nightmares. I get up for work in the morning, not having a bite to eat. Not having a decent shower, walking like a clueless gal. I am too lost that I don’t seem to see and hear the people around me. I arrive at the office  feeling sick as always. I tried to eat cause my body feels shaken. It’s just a couple of bites then I rushed to the bathroom… THIRD time today, I puked.

I felt pity.. I felt so damn low. tears were pouring down as I was removing the dirt from my mouth and my shirt. My mouth never tasted this worst and I never felt this worst in my life. My life is full of shit. And I know I can’t act like this forever.

The last time, I drank liquor without any meals and I was too hungover that it lasted for three days. I slept at the office sitting, not aware of my surrounding. How worst could it get?

I know there’s no shortcut and the pain I feel inside me is self inflicted and I can’t do anything else but to endure it for the meantime. I thought I needed somebody to save me; I was waiting for him to save me, I was waiting for somebody to pick up my broken pieces. I was waiting for somebody to help me get back to my senses… I didn’t care who that somebody is, i was waiting for somebody I can depend on.

But I was wrong, I don’t need somebody else. I NEED MYSELF FOR MY OWN SALVATION.

I can’t lie to myself anymore. I can’t cover up the reality. Now, I am trying to make things right. I am trying to be the girl pre meeting him. The girl who can laugh about the bullshits in life.

It’s sad that things ended up like this. All I wanted was the best for the both of us but i failed. I crossed the line and lost my own mind. And now, I am trying to bounce back. I’m trying to love myself more. Put my own happiness before somebody else’s. I cannot be the heroine I am not. I am a human, now, broken but I can come back fresher.

I don’t need any apparition or divine intervention to get through this, I know I can. I just need to hold on to myself and surround myself with people who care for me. I know they are still around even if I created a distance, i know i still have them.

It will be a long, painful journey… To live differently, to start a new life, to stop doing the things I was doing for  the past years… But I have to. I can’t always live in the past. My heart is shattered for now but it will heal through time… I just need to endure the pain. I just need to move the fuck on.

Unspoken Words

I have been thinking about my fears earlier this morning and I thought of one thing that is quite ironic. I am certain that I am not afraid of death but what I can’t stand is those irregular patterns of holes. I watched a 3 minute video clip and as soon as I saw the third photo, I began to itch and I felt so sick. I wasn’t able to finish the whole clip. No matter how I try to conquer that fear, I really can’t. Everytime I attempt to stare at something with holes, I just end up looking away. Weird that the thought of holes make me feel so sick but the thought of dying is like just a normal thing for me.

If there are things in life that are inevitable, that would be changes, taxes and death. I have been taxed a lot, I have experienced changes a lot, but death, not yet, obviously. But I have told myself a lot of times that one of these days, I will die. I just don’t know when, how will i die, and why. But I am not afraid of dying, what I am afraid of is dying without being able to accomplish anything and not being able to tell people what I want to tell them.

Lately, I have been thinking of what I have been doing for the past 20 years. I know I never lived perfectly and I didn’t do well in a lot of things. I have hurt people in the past. I have made enemies and friends. I have been hating a lot. Yup. Damn. If heaven and earth were real, I am somewhere in between.

I am not the type of person who does well when it comes to speaking. When I was in high school, I did speeches for my classmates but there were also times when I read my own speech. I do not have stage fright. I’m okay when it comes to delivering speeches with or without copy. What I am not really okay with is those, heart to heart talks… Everyday conversation.

I am one of those people who weren’t blessed with a friendly face. I do not have the natural charm. LOL. I don’t think I am the type of person whom you will start a conversation with when you see me at the mall. I just don’t know how to make myself look friendly cause in reality, I really am not. I am not antisocial, I just don’t know how to deal with people.

Yeah I have made friends but you know in every circle there will always be that one who just listens. I am that person in the circle. Even in our family, I am the one who doesn’t really speak up. I shared the same room with my auntie during college but she doesn’t really know my thoughts because it is very seldom that I tell her. A lot of words unspoken and I do not really know how to express myself. So maybe, I will just write this entry to share all my thoughts and to tell people what I want to tell them through the letter below.

Dear All:

First of all, I want to say that this is not a suicide letter and I am not dying yet.

It’s known to you that suppression is my main problem; that I am not vocal when it comes to my opinions; that speaking is my waterloo. But I found a partner through writing. So let me begin,

Dearest parents, I know you never expected me to grow up like this. I was once the daughter who will always obey you in everything. When I was younger, I couldn’t even pick the clothes I will be wearing for the school program. You made me wear those pink skirts and gowns though I didn’t want to. There are countless times when I sobbed because I didn’t like my hairstyle and I couldn’t do anything about it. You decided where will I study my high school even though I expressed my wanting to enter the rival school. I wanted to shift courses but you did not allow me even though I felt inferior because I couldn’t stand the pressure on the class. I traveled 4 hours back and forth from school to our house even though I could just live with my grandmother who lives near the university because you wanted me to. I did not have the right to object because simply, I am still under your custody.

There were times when you called me crazy and stupid and you asked me to leave the house because I fell in love on my 19s. I was expecting that you will understand my situation because you have been there but you made me feel like you don’t trust my decision. You reprimanded me, confiscated my phone, and pressured me to break up with him. You told me once that I am the mere reason why my younger brother entered a second class university. As if it was my fault that we were broke those times and as if I am happy that my brother is suffering the consequences. You gave me the guilt feelings that I shouldn’t be having and remember what I told you? I told you that if you asked me to switch places with my brother, I would. I was crying then cause the guilt feeling was overwhelming.

I expected you to understand me because I am your daughter and you raised me. But yeah, I shouldn’t be expecting anything.

Now that I am working, I thought I will be free to make my own decisions but at the end of the day, it’s you who make decisions for me because apparently, you know my weakness. You know even if I still feel bad, I cannot just simply ignore you. Money isn’t a problem. I just don’t like it when you pressure me a lot and when you text me during payday without even asking me if i ate my supper last night. I am not asking for gratitude or acknowledgment. All I want is peace and quiet and understanding that I am human too. I also get tired.

You ask me to do chores on my rest days. I am not lazy, you know that. I am tired from work. You don’t know how much I want to quit my job but because you are expecting me to pay for the bills, I cannot just simply do it. I don’t have a family of my own but I am poorest in our family because the majority of my income goes to the household bill. But no matter how much I feel bad about everything, I still go home because this is where I belong to. I have the outmost respect for you. And I will always thank you for parenting me. We might have endless arguments but I am still your daughter and you will always be the best parents for me. Maybe I am not the one you wanted me to be but at the end of the day, you can still count on me.

Dearest friends who weren’t there for me when I needed them the most. Thank you for being a part of my life but you can all fuck off. I am grateful that you shared with me the happiest days of my life but I don’t really need people who will be there when I am HAPPY. Remember the times when you will ask me to do you a favor and I will just say yes and those times when I am not present during the happy hours but I am the only present when you’re super down? I am not trying to make you feel bad, but yes, sort of. But I learned. Do not contact me because I will not respond to you. I need fake ones. Don’t worry, I have found the real ones. Nevertheless, I am thankful that we crossed our paths. Because of you I have learned how to distinguish those authentic from those who aren’t. Have a great life!

To my bestfriend who never failed to listen to my endless whinings. Thank you. If there’s one person to whom I will always be grateful to, it’s you. I know I give you stress always whenever I will tell you about my problematic life to the point when you will curse, fuck, fucking shit, fucking shit ass. Now you know the contagion effect. LOL. You and me are alike. You are the only person I really can count to. Thank you for helping me express myself more. You even make speeches for me and train me. Though you had a hundred reasons to leave me, you didn’t and I will always be forever thankful that you are staying. You are the best bud I ever had. I don’t always tell you how much I appreciate you, but I really do.

I have a lot to say to you but I cannot just write them all here or else I will end up telling everything that happened. At the bottom of my heart and at the top of my lungs, I will be forever grateful that we crossed each other’s paths. You’re my batman!

To everybody I have met and made relationships (platonic, romantic et al) with, serious or not, I am thankful for the learning and the experiences, good or bad. To those who hate me, i don’t mind. Keep on hating. I don’t live to please you anyways. To those who made my life miserable, to those who caused me stress, I give you the middle finger but I am hoping that one day, we will be able to give each other a high five and for the people who love me, thank you. I am wishing you all a great life. Cheers!

Who is Jennifer Laude?

I have been hearing news about Jennifer Laude since Tuesday night and I wonder, who is this Jennifer Laude who’s trending not just on TVs but also in Social Media. So I have read articles about the above-mentioned thinking that the case will be a bit interesting.

Jennifer “Jerry” Laude is a transgender woman who was allegedly murdered by United States Marine, Private First Class Joseph Scott Pemberton last Saturday. They reportedly met at a nightclub and the marine did not know he (Jennifer) was transgender until they were alone together in a hotel room at the Celzone Lodge, where he (Jennifer) was found strangled to death shortly after.

Sigh. Another murder case that went huge because of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) issue. Protests have been arising from here to there. In fact, the case is a simple murder that went complicated because of the various factors such as gender and citizenship. Since the murderer is a US Citizen, under the Visiting Forces Agreement, the custody of the erring soldier stays with the Americans and the Philippines cannot do anything about it.

Personally, I do think that the case is just like the other murder cases. I just don’t get the point of making it trend worldwide. First and foremost, the root of the case is not about the gender of Jennifer. It was about the Fraud committed. I don’t think that the case has something to do with the LGBT so there’s no need to create a fuss about it.

Let’s say that you were the guy and you found out that the person you were hanging with, or let’s make it more intense, you slept with is a transgender, (I have nothing against transgenders) and you really had no idea, you will probably feel stunned right? It’s like you unknowingly slept with a guy. And what will be your first step, walk out of the door? Probably. Kick his ass? Probably. But in this case, it’s safe to say that the marine lost his control and he poured out his anger by strangling the transgender. Let’s not forget that when a person is mad, there are endless possibilities of the things that he could do.

I am not saying that the marine should be released, what I am pointing out is that both the victim and the murderer has a share in the murder. Both are victims and murderers on their own. (Not being literal)

Though the act was consensual, there was a mistake that was already committed beforehand. Jennifer was already engaged to his boyfriend. The issue is that he became unfaithful. If he treasured his relationship with his fiance, he would not be heading to the hotel with the marine, he would still be alive. The root is infidelity.

They met at the bar, most likely, they had a few drinks already. Jennifer had the chance to tell the marine that he is a transgender woman, but he didn’t. Maybe he was either afraid that the guy would stop hanging out with him if he finds out, or he really had the plan to trick the guy. And since he looked like a girl and they gave each other the eye, the marine grabbed the opportunity. The root is dishonesty. And even if the marine did not ask, he was still expected to tell the marine about him being a transgender. He concealed the fact that he is a man. He didn’t do anything about it so the marine was never suspicious. Sin of Omission. The death can be prevented if he was able to put his act together with decency and respect, first for himself, second respect to his fiance.

The marine found out that he is indeed transgender so he allegedly murdered Jennifer by strangulation. As if his manhood was robbed. Yes, he probably lost his head and I do think that his pride and ego were damaged, but still, he has no right to kill, whatever the reason may be. (Unless for self defense)

There are common social issues in this case that must be fixed. I am just frustrated that a lot fail to see the other side of the story. I feel sorry for the death of Jennifer and I feel sorry for the damaged pride of the marine. But to clear things, Jennifer being a transgender is not the real issue and transgenders are not the subject of discrimination and bullying in the Philippines. And we do not hate you for being a part of the LGBT. What the people condemn is the act and the indecent behavior that others show. (not limited to LGBT, but to all men and women)

All men are treated equally and justice sees no gender. The crime is rooted in the concealment of truth, robbery, sin of the flesh, and infidelity. Same reasons for other crimes committed by husband and wives, friends, classmates and strangers. Young and old, men and women, lesbians, gays, bisexual and transgenders.

Did Jennifer threaten to expose that the marine slept with him? Did the marine just simply kill Jennifer? Or was it just a BDSM play gone wrong? Nobody knows what really happened inside the hotel room so we have no right to judge and we cannot conclude.

The crime is open ended. What I am certain of is that both were victim of separate crime. One was tricked for a sexual act and one was murdered. And I must say that they are paying the price of their own crimes. I am hoping that justice will be served to those who really deserve it.

Together We Cry

I look tough in person. I am one of those not so friendly faces you will see walking on the street. I don’t look fragile but truth is I am one of those who become weak when it comes to those specials people in my life.

I asked a friend about her dislikes about me when I was 11. We were the closest so I was expecting her to have a short list, surprisingly, she sent me a 3 page text message. She described me as the numb and robot type of person, poker face, and as if she’s talking to a wall when she talks to me to name a few. And I wondered, how were we able to become friends? LOL.

Robot type of person. When i was in high school, yes. When I was not too attached to people. I did not like attachments then because the more you get close to the person, the more you become vulnerable to pain. But of course, that is inevitable. There will be a few who will trespass into your life and change you into something you weren’t or if not, bring out the you you’ve never shown anyone before.

I cannot remember the first time I shed a tear for anybody. It’s normal for me to cry when I get really hurt or mad. I am not the type of person who will break something or yell when I am frustrated. I will just hide somewhere and cry alone. And as far as I remember, I am not the type of person who will cry about something that has nothing to do with me. But things changed, I hate it but I was turned into someone who cries for others… on behalf of others.

The robot has become the crybaby. You know what I hate the most? I cannot even watch a touching movie with people around me. One time, I was watching Miracle in Cell No. 7 when my mother and my sister joined me. I was trying my best not to cry but I failed. My mother even asked me if I wanted a tissue or a towel for my tears. I was so embarrassed that I was the only one crying. I get teary when I am proud of someone or something, even when I just watch auditions on BGT or XFactor.

One time, I was reading at the same time chopping the vegetables. The main character died so I got teary again. But I still continued chopping the vegetable, when I reached the ending where the other character committed suicide, I stood up and went to the bathroom. I couldn’t stopped myself from crying and I even asked, “Why Kenji? Why?!” (I was pertaining to the guy who committed suicide in the story) I went out to the bathroom and continued chopping veggies with my eyes and my nose turned red. I know it’s crazy and I shouldn’t be wasting my tears about something I just read.

Sometimes I feel there’s something wrong about me. Maybe it’s me being attached. I get so attached that I unknowingly invested my feelings towards something or someone. But there are some instances where I appreciate this part of me. For example, when I hear the sad voice of my bff, I get sad as well. When he tells me his sad stories, I cry and he will ask me why. And I will tell him it’s because I get hurt and sad as well, when you are sad. I know it’s a weird way of making him feel that he is important to me. I don’t like it when I cry over something that is not about me, but since he is a special part of me, I know I will always cry for him. There are times when I just cried silently so he wouldn’t know but when I hear him cry, I sob. The effect on me is double. What’s funny is I still sob even when he is already done crying. It’s the contagion effect. It’s like I feel what he feels.

Crying is okay as long as we cry for the things that matter. Sometimes, it’s better to cry with someone first before telling him to cheer up. Crying doesn’t solve the problem but it helps you feel better afterwards. Sometimes, it will lessen the weight of the burden. Of course you cannot tell a person that everything’s okay when it isn’t really. It’s better to make him feel that you are willing to make him feel that you are there, ready to laugh and cry with him. That he is not ALONE and that it is okay to CRY. I believe that tears are more special than smiles. You can fake a smile for someone but it takes real emotions to shed a tear (unless you’re an actor, but you can always tell). So be thankful if someone sheds a tear for you, that only means that you matter, that you are loved.

Match Made in Heaven

“love is a funny thing. you expect it to be easy. you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. you expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. you expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. you expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. but that’s the thing. love isn’t a plan. it doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. love happens; and it is so incredibly messy. people around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. they can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. it’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. we can’t breathe the same way or function quite right without it.

love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. it’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. it isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or pretty things that make your relationship appear more presentable. it’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. it’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. we are human beings. we don’t handle one another, and we can’t be handled. we are mutable creatures that need something different everyday. need something more or less to keep us going, to keep us believing that it’s not all for nothing. so no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be all right. it’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are.

you have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. you’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. do what you will. mash it into mince meat. or forget i ever handed it to you. as long as you have it. that’s the thing about love. it makes us crazy. it makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. it’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. and it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.”

There are no perfect creatures. There are no perfect individuals but two individuals can build a perfect relationship as if they are match made in heaven.

But what makes a relationship perfect? Is it the all day laughs, the romantic moments, or the Romeo and Juliet love story? Partly yes but as we all know that there are ups and downs in a relationship.

3 years. That’s how long I have loved my boyfriend. And for those years, I can say that we have seen some of the bests and the worsts about each other. We both know for sure that we are not perfect individuals, that we made mistakes in the past and at times we pissed each other off that we decided to separate ways.

There were times that we argued almost everyday about each other’s attitude. What’s funny is that after each fight, we will just talk and laugh about what the things that we argued about. For example:

1. Not waking up when the phone rings.

I easily get awaken by tones or vibrations. There was one time when I took a nap and I left my phone charging. It was on silent mode. Since it was plugged, the vibration automatically turned off. When I woke up, I saw about 3 missed calls so I tried to call my boyfriend back. He wasn’t answering. It was pretty late so I assumed he was already asleep. So I left a message.

When he answered, he was totally mad at me. And yeah, we broke up. But after all the explanations, we patched things up.

2. My repetitive questions.

He gets annoyed when I ask the same thing over again. (Of course that’s pretty annoying) Sometimes, I tend to forget that I have already asked him. Another is when I don’t understand what he is telling me. It’s a shame but I always have my deaf or slow poke moments. He doesn’t like it when he tells the same thing cause he gets easily tired… talking.

3. Waiting

Who doesn’t hate waiting? I remember the first time that he got really mad at me and he asked for a break up. I went to the shower and I told him that I will be back the soonest. One hour is not soon, what more is two hours? Yeah. I made him wait for two hours without sending him a message. When I got back and tried to call him, he wouldn’t pick up the phone. And you know what he said?

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Let’s break up.”

And I was like, “whaaaaaaat?”

Of course he waited, what would I expect. Then I tried to explain to him what happened. He did not want to listen but when I told him what I did, the main reason why it took me that long, he paused and he started laughing. And yeah, everything turned out fine. as if nothing happened.

4. Demi Lovato and Christina Grimmie

He loved both. He didn’t like it when I told him about him about Demi punching a back up dancer or when I told him that he could just watch Grimmie on The Voice on youtube the next day (cause we often sleep at 8 or 8:30 and The Voice airs at 9). I know that he’s happy when he watches The Voice but it was kinda late so I suggested the replay. He got annoyed and he felt like I am preventing him to watch Grimmie. LOL. But I really didn’t, I was just concerned about him staying up late (than the usual). So there I was like the barricade between my boyfriend and Grimmie. It was kind of cute but I am a little jealous.

5. The Static, the Choppy and the No Signal – Reception

There are things that are out of my control such as the phone reception. There was one time when we argued about the static line and i reported at least 5 times on the hotline about the prevailing problem. We weren’t able to talk for days because of the interventions and it got into our nerves. So we installed a Voip application just to get through the problem… But there were delays and phone calls were hideous. He got mad and I got mad too, so i blurted,

“I don’t have control over everything. It’s as if I can do something about it… It’s out of my reach”

But after a while, we reconciled and waited for the lines to be fixed and made up for the loss time.

As you can see, we argue to the most petty things. And of course, there were also serious issues that tested our relationship but I am not going to post them here. It’s crazy but it’s fun whenever we will talk about these fights.

Things didn’t always work the we wanted them to but the good thing about us is that we didn’t really make an image of each other in our heads… We didn’t expect anything at all so everything came as a surprise. Adjusting isn’t an easy thing especially those times when we were still too different. The adjustment period took time but when we finally met halfway, that was the time when I knew that we were match made in heaven.

I cannot say that each day we spent was full of romance because you know, we like it more when we play. We weren’t as romantic as Romeo and Juliet or Jack and Rose. We were simply Nyna and Mite. I cannot also say that our relationship is always the bed of roses but I can assure that he gives me the kiss from a rose. Sometimes we yell at each other, sometimes we give each other the silent treatment. There were words unspoken and acts unacted upon. There are flaws in our relationship, it is odd when we fight over the littlest or the most unusual thing but I think it’s one reason why we have been together this long. We know for sure that this is not a movie and there’s no way we can assure a happy ending. But who cares? At one point we might get fed up at each other, or might get tired each other’s voices but that’s the magic of it. Love is a risk and you will never know what you are gonna get unless you let yourself be intoxicated by it.

It is scary… But when you find your perfect match, everything will be worth it.

My boyfriend isn’t perfect, I ain’t perfect but we complement each other and we make each other happy in such ways that we weren’t expecting at all. For me, that’s beyond perfect.