New content tonight.. My mind is full of envy and jealousy, i can’t contain it

It is happening again

Since I cannot tell anybody about my condition, my psychiatrist is out of town too, I will just write it here.

I’m positive that I am overdosing on my medicines, I’m drinking more than I’m supposed to, and I am pretty sure my organs are suffering… I haven’t had my cycle for the past two months, I am gaining so much weight, I’ve been having low blood pressure from 90/70 to 70/40 (surprisingly I am still alive), my sleep isn’t normal and I almost don’t wake up every morning.

When I wake up, I ask myself this, “Is it really worth it?”

I find myself asking this question over and over again, convincing myself that life is still worth it, that there is something to gain on this journey. But recently, I’m having difficulty finding the right answer to it.

28 is already a long time to live, isn’t it? Casually telling myself this while endless sadness is consuming me.

Getting Cold Feet

I changed my all passwords to your name but recently I’ve been thinking of breaking up with you.

It scares me how much I like you and it even scares me that I want to settle down with you, and I am ready to leave the country just to be with you. I have never been so sure about marriage and having kids until I met you yet I’m getting cold feet.

Recently I wrote a poem asking if it scares you and if it bothers you how much I like you, now I am asking the same question to myself… It scares me to death… I am not afraid of love, I am afraid of losing someone I love. I am afraid that you will turn out just like the rest. I am afraid to lose you and that would hurt me so much. I do not know what else to do… and feel.

Again

My blood pressure had a sudden drop from 90/70 to 80/50 to 70/40 yesterday and I almost had myself admitted to the hospital. I’ve been stressed out and unhappy lately. I have no life outside work. The job and the self loathing feeling consumed me. And I thought to myself, maybe I will die really soon but it didn’t bother me at all. The thought of dying seems normal to me.

I’m burnt out, i’m super stressed, and i’m feeling down even if things are okay. Maybe the fact that things are JUST OKAY is never okay. I want things to work out for me, I want things to be great but how do I start?

I’m not enough, I’m just another average person, a wallflower, someone who wouldn’t stand out in every aspect. I’ve been working hard to build myself up but I feel like I’m back to square one now and I just want to sleep. I don’t want to do anything. It’s exhausting to be this sad and lonely.

Paano nga ba?

M: Di ko alam paano sisimulan
Itong awiting alay sa iyo
Di ko mahanap ang tamang tono
O tamang tanong para ikaw ay mapa oo

Sadyang mabilis ang mga pangyayari
Kaya eto ako ngayon at nagbabakasakali
Kabog ng dibdib, kamay ay nanginginig
Ako yata ay natotorpe kaya idadaan nalang sa nakaw tingin

Huwag sanang magising
Sa panaginip na ikaw ay akin
Hawak kamay, mata ay nakangiti
Saski sa tamis ang buwan at langit

Bathala iyong pakinggan ang aking dalangin
Di ko mapigil ang bugso ng damdamin
Itong awit isinulat para sa kanya
Puno ng pag ibig, marinig niya kaya?

F: Di ko mawari ang nais ipahiwatig
Ng iyong pagsulyap at palihim na ngiti
Ngunit ako rin ay may kaba sa dibdib
Sa tuwing ikaw at ako ay magkatabi

Kaya heto ako at aawit nalang
Mga salitang hindi ko masabi, nagbabakasakali
Na tama ang hinalang ikaw ay may pagtingin
Bathala ang dalangin ko iyo sanang dinggin

Huwag sanang magising
Sa panaginip na ikaw ay akin
Hawak kamay, mata ay nakangiti
Saski sa tamis ang buwan at langit

Bathala iyong pakinggan ang aking dalangin
Di ko mapigil ang bugso ng damdamin
Itong awit isinulat para sa kanya
Puno ng pag ibig, marinig niya kaya?

M: Ibubulong nalang sa hangin, pag ibig ko iyo sanang damhin
F: Aawit nalang sa mga bituin upang matamasa ang iyong pagtingin
M: Naduduwag, nauutal paano ko ba maaamin
F: Naghihintay, nag aabang, huwag na sanang itago ang iyong damdamin.

 

M: Male
F: Female