I Will Apologize But I Will Never Regret

I will apologize but I will never regret

I will say sorry but I will never undo

The words I said to you, those things are all true

Our paths have crossed again but there are dreams that will never be met.

I will apologize for taking a little of your time, of your attention

I still talk to you because I have to, I want to, I need to, I have my own reason

My actions might be distasteful to you, I apologize

But I want to be the one to hear your cries.

I am sorry, my dearest, because I cannot seem to let you go

You, leaving, is letting me down, and I’m feeling really low

Why must it be this difficult for us to have our way?

Why are you so distant, why won’t you just stay?

I will apologize for making it hard for you to have your peace

I cannot bear to live a day without you, it’s you I truly miss

My world is so different now that you’re going away

Take a step back, hold my hand, every day I pray

I will leave my door on the latch if ever you return

To unlove you, never will i learn

I will take you back in a heartbeat, I swear to the stars in the sky

I will cross oceans for you, I won’t stop loving you even after I die.





It only took 3 messages from you to completely break me apart. That goodbye, I don’t want to get that from you.

When I received your text, I was so happy because I missed you so much. When I read it, I saw the unavoidable, nagpapaalam ka na naman.

Why? Why do you always cross my name on your plans? Baggage na lang ba ako sa iyo? I thought I was supporting you all along… I gave you the most I can, given the situation, given the distance. I gave you all the love I have, all the time I have. I gave you a part of me (and yes, I know hindi mo yun hiniling). Hindi ba enough yun para magstay ka?

When I read your text, I felt like I lost my soul. I immediately went to my room because I was dying inside. I cried in silence. Ayaw tumigil ng luha ko. Ang hirap magpigil ng iyak kasi yung sakit na nararamdaman ko, laging bago.

You said goodbye multiple times before but I never got used to it. Kahit kanina, yung ata ang pinakasakit sa lahat. I thought we were good. I thought you’ll never leave. I thought kahit papano may balak ka na ikeep ako. Pero I thought wrong, at the end of the day, you still want to continue without me. Are you better off without me kaya ganito? Have you always known that iiwan mo din ako? Why? Am I not worthy of you?

It’s killing me now.


Eevee :)

I always wonder how you are feeling and what you are doing… You know, I care about you a lot. I always think about you! Talk to me, whenever you are ready 🙂




I have no clue what I am doing. I really am out of my mind.


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Bucket List

My life gets dull sometimes. Doing the same things over again, watching the same shows, singing the same songs. Everything I do is like a routine. Even my weekend activities are predictable. And I have realized that I have so many things that I want to experience. I have too many fears that I need to conquer. I want to experience things that make sense, and some others that really don’t and just for fun.

After watching the movie “Bucket List”, I was inspired to do my own. I realized that I should never wait for the time when i wouldn’t be able to use my strength anymore. Or I get really sick and old.

Disclaimer: My list does not include charity works and the like. It’s mostly fun activities. Others are not very attainable but I don’t care.

1. Do a 10-meter high dive jump.

I am not a good swimmer. I can only do freestyle swimming and I’ve never done a good breaststroke swimming. I tried once for an exam and it made me look like a drunk dude swimming frog-style, no coordination at all. And I have given up on that. But I am always fascinated by heights. I have done  and stuff. I like water slides too but i have never done a high dive jump. I do not know how to dive but I certainly want to try that out. Jumping and diving is not the problem here, the problem is my fear of drowning when i hit the water. It looks scary and fun at the same time. But i guess I have to conquer my fear of drowning.

2. Sky Dive

Like the birds in the sky, I want to fly too. I want to experience how to glide in the air. So many times i have dreamed about flying and seeing the world up there and it looked beautiful. I want to experience fresh air on my face and the feeling of clouds hitting my skin that riding a place could not provide.

Sky Diving is the closest i could get to flying and even if I need to gather all the courage i need, i will and it will be worth it.

3. Learn Mix Martial Arts

I am enticed by martial artists and i want to be one of them. But i am not healthy enough to try it. Small movements and i get dizzy. Not afraid to get hurt but I cannot do big movements else I will collapse.

Not that i am a violent person but i want to learn MMA for self-defense as well. i have encountered crazy people and the world can be scary for weak people. That’s why i want to learn MMA too. To defend myself and to show off (a little) and be like, “You didn’t expect that, did you?!”. I am considering learning but I need to improve my health first. Then will decide from there.
4. Sing live on the stage

I have social anxiety but I would lie if i have never fantasized singing live on stage. I can sing but it’s really bad. I am not even comfortable singing in the bathroom. I am too scared that people will hear me and make fun of me.

I hate being on the spotlight too but it will be cool if I get to try it once before I get old. I don’t even like people staring at me cause i feel like they will criticize every part of me but i am curious of how it would feel if people actually see you as a fun and entertaining person.

Confidence is the key here.

5. Ice Skate and Ski

I have never tried ice skating. And it’s been many times that I wanted to go but i don’t want to go alone. Although there skating rinks at malls, that’s not really where I want to skate. I want to skate on real, mother nature ice. I want to go to a place where it snows, build a snowman, skate even if i fall hard and do skiing. I like cold temperature. It would be nice to play and lay on ice and be a kid.

6. Pet big cats.

I am a dog person but I like cats too. Big cats. I want to pet tigers and lions and cheetahs. I want to become a big cats whisperer. I want to tame them. I want to go to africa where you can meet them face to face. I saw this video where a tourist met a cheetah face to face and I got jealous. I want that kind of encounter too. They may look fierce and scary to other people but whenever i see them, i just want to pet them and cuddle with them. I don’t want to get devoured though! but if shit happens and i get eaten, i’ll still be happy. meat for big cats. lol

7. Camp in the wild.

Never went camping. The only camping I know is camping inside the blanket. I never experienced outdoor activities when i was a kid. it was always the amusement parks and i don’t even like amusement parks.

I want to go on a real camping. Build a tent, light fire, and survive in the wild. I want to hunt my own food and cook them on bonfire. i will do s’mores too. I want a day away from modern technology, noise, pollution and people. I want to try living where you have to work for everything. I am so used to instant products and I need a change.
8. Live for a week as the modern Eve.

This sounds crazy but I want to live as the modern Eve. Of course this will be on a remote area. I want to try living where I do not have to worry about how i look, about what to wear. Eve wore leaves and so will I.

I want to be close to nature too. Live with animals and plants. Eat healthy food, bathe from rivers, sleep on the ground, shower in the rain. All the things that you wouldn’t experience in the busy city.

I want to relive the simplest lifestyle where you don’t have much to worry about.

9. See northern lights.

It is one of the most majestic things I have ever seen on the internet. Northern Lights (Aurora lights) show up on icy places and of course there’s not way they will be visible here in the Philippines. I am fascinated by lights. They form shapes which is amazing. And the different colors that flows and moves in the sky look really pretty in my eyes. Nature can offer so much to us. I have seen sunrise and sunsets and they are beautiful. I have seen northern lights on videos and i told myself, one day, i will see them myself and i will live the moment, not just film it.

10. Hike and watch the stars up from a mountain.

One of the most tiring I have done was a two-kilometer walk, straight path. In the future i want to hike up a mountain and take a step further. I cannot do wall or mountain climbing because my upper body is not that strong but I think i can do hiking. Aside from it’s a good exercise, it’s good to experience nature too. I want to reach the peak of the mountain and watch the stars from there. I have seen stars of course, but it would be different if i will feel closer to them. Stars are beautiful. Even if I don’t know much about constellations, i really do appreciate them.

11. Go to a Shakira concert and have her autograph. If not Shakira, I would love to meet Angelina Jolie too.

I like Shakira since gradeschool. I even had a cassette tape of her songs. I am in my 20s now and I still listen to her songs. She is pretty, she is talented and she looks like a kind person.

When i signed up to facebook, her page was the first page I liked. That’s how much of a fan I am. If i will have the opportunity to watch one of her concerts, I will and will make sure to get her autograph too. And probably have it framed.

If I will not be able to watch her concert live or get an autograph, there’s another celebrity that i want to meet in person, Angelina Jolie. Need not to make it long, she’s an ambassador. She’s one of the kindest people you’ll ever hear of.
Doing charity works since forever, adopting kids, being an ambassador plus a huge star in hollywood, there’s no need to explain why.

12. Watch Forensics Experts do their jobs.

I love murder series, live or anime. But I am much more fascinated by forensic experts. To be able to support or negate theories, to be able to analyze evidence and solve crimes, to be able to do so much using science, these are just some of their expertise.

These are people with creative minds, they know how to connect the dots. They are simply amazing. I am one of those who appreciate their talents. And it would be nice if i get to see them in action.

13. Visit a mental asylum.

I originally wanted to become a psychologist. For me, human behavior and human minds are fascinating.

i want to visit a mental asylum not because i want to mock people who act differently but i want to have a close encounter with them. I want to know if they are that different from us and how are they different.

I am certain that most people will choose to visit the home for the aged or the orphanage but i want to go on a different path, i want to visit these mentally challenged people because like us, they need attention too. Maybe we can offer something to help them. Who knows. Maybe I can do something too.

14. Go somewhere far and pretend to be a different person.

What if i am a different person? Will i be happier? i want to answer that question.

There are things in life that I cannot have and the least I can do is to fantasize about them. I want to experience being a different person, i want to be someone i can never be and i want to do something that the real me will never do.

i want to pretend as somebody else and see how it will feel. i don’t intend to fool people. i am just curious of how they will treat me if i, let’s say, am a surgeon not an accountant. will they show warmth, be friendly, or neutral? i am curious.

15. Go fishing in the ocean.

As i have said, i am not a good swimmer and i don’t go near bodies of water often. But i would like to spend time on water and go fishing. i want to catch a big fish but will release it afterwards. Maybe catch small ones too and bring them home and cook them. i would want to enjoy being on water too. maybe, just maybe, if i spend more time, i will be at ease.

16. Dye my hair galaxy Style

i don’t want to go crazy on my hair. i am too scared to look like a clown or regret it afterwards. But i really really want to have that galaxy hair color. it looks pretty on other people but i am not sure if it will look good on me. it’s purple and blue, and green, like the color of the universe. i have really dark hair and i have to bleach it first. Dyeing is not the problem, the problem is i don’t want to bleach my hair cause it will surely damage it. So maybe in the future… or maybe not.

17. Fire a gun and Swing a sword

I am pro-gun. i actually want to have one in the future. guns are not scary, irresponsible people who own them are. i may have one in the future but if it can’t happen, i want to at least try to fire one, in the gun range. i heard the adrenaline rush is crazy.

Aside from firing a gun, I want to swing a real sword too. i do not know if it’s the effect of watching too much movies or game of thrones but i really want to swing one. it would feel like i am a warrior and that sounds thrilling to me.

18. Get a tattoo.

I love arts including body art and i am not afraid of needles. for now, it would be impossible to get inked but in the future, if i still find them attractive i’ll probably get one.

The reason I am holding back is that I don’t want to have something permanent on my skin and regret it afterwards. Laser treatments are expensive too.

I am neither pro or anti tattoo, i appreciate them and i think they look awesome. Still 50:50 on this.

19. Enjoy street food in New York, not giving a fuck.

I want to eat big slices of pizza, real american burgers, and sodas in the streets of New York. I love food. I want to eat and not give a fuck. Even if it will make me gain weight, or it has bad cholesterol, i wouldn’t mind. Food is one of the best things in life and I want to enjoy it.

20. Drive like I am a star in the Fast and the Furious.

I am not obsessed with cars, to be honest. but I want one of course.

Even if I am not a racer, i want to try driving like one. i know it’s really dangerous and i might get hurt but i still want to try.

21. Plant a fire tree and watch it grow.

Big tree with red leaves. It looks so alive. The moment i saw one, i fell in love with it. i have never seen a tree so alive until i saw a fire tree. And in the future, hopefully, I can grow one in my backyard.

…Fire trees remind me of someone too. 🙂

22. Publish a book

I have written scripts, poems, short stories and articles but i have never published a book.
In this book, i want to write all the things i have done and those i wanted to but haven’t. i want to write how fun life is, how it doesn’t make sense sometimes. i want to write all the lessons i have learned and those things that i want other people to know. I am not a writer, i didn’t have formal training but I have a lot to say too.

basically, i will publish this when i am really old. it’s my journal.

The list goes on and on and i might want to do some more in the future and i may not be able to do all of the things above but there’s one thing i want to make sure to accomplish in the future.

i do not know if i will get married and have a family. i do not know when will i start crossing things off of my list and i haven’t even mentioned if i will do all these things alone or if i’ll be with someone.

in the future, i want to check this last item on the list, twenty-third and the most important… is 23. to meet you and hopefully, accomplish all these things together…. Will you be the Adam and accompany Eve? I will be ready… Whenever you are ready. 🙂


Paying It Forward

All of us have dreams in life. Others want to become successful singers. Others want to become successful animators. Others want to become certified public accountants, doctors, engineers or chef. Others want to become millionaires. Others want to travel the world. But when we achieve our goals in life, what comes next?

We are living in a material world. Naturally we want material things. We want big houses, high salaries, cars, gourmet food, best lifestyles. We want to receive the best things in life but oftentimes, we forget to give back.

I will not deny, I want to have material things too. It’s not me being materialistic, it’s me wanting to have resources. But I am not asking for too much. I do not need to have that much. I just want to have a convenient lifestyle where I do not have to worry about bills and savings.

When that day comes, what will i do next? I haven’t given a single thought about it… I have been thinking about earning and receiving a lot, but what can I give in return?

I was talking to someone special to me and he told me about his dreams. He always shares what he plans for the future. I am very aware that he wants to build his own company, gaming company. And he is starting to live his dream.

He is not materialistic. He doesn’t wish for big houses or expensive cars. Like me, he just wants to live comfortably. He doesn’t even like buying expensive things. He spends his money wisely and it’s seldom that he buys something for himself. Simple but comfortable lifestyle, that’s what he wants.

It will be ironic though. If he becomes the CEO of his own company, he will certainly earn a lot. He will rise into fame. He doesn’t like to be in the spotlight. He even feels anxious when he sees camera lens. But even so, he still wishes for a simple life.

Yes, he wants to earn a lot but not because he loves money but because he has a bigger plan in the future. Not just for himself but for other people too.

Just this morning, he was at the hospital and he told me that when the time comes when he already has his resources, he wants to build his own hospital. Not a business hospital, but a hospital that focuses on helping other people. Medical expenses are expensive and not everyone can afford to pay the bills.

He will have his own scholarship program for those who aspire to become nurses and doctors and in return, he would ask his scholars to serve the hospital for a certain period of time. And there will be no professional charges, most certainly.

He also wants to provide education to people close to him. He will help people not by giving money but by paving ways. If he sees someone who has talents, he will not give monetary reward, he will give resources to the person that will enhance his talent instead. There are many talented people out there, it’s just that, they do not have the adequate resources.

He also wants to invest in micro businesses. If he sees someone who has the passion for business, he would certainly help the person get the best education and eventually help him grow a business of his own. If he sees potential, he will help the person succeed. Investment is not just monetary, it also includes his own time and talent.

Learning about his dreams, i feel a bit embarrassed. I have not seen myself being an advocate of good will. I feel bad for other people but I have not included them in my future. Let’s all be honest here. How often do we think about our neighbors? Do we even include them in our prayers?

To pay the goodness forward, that’s what he wants. If he receives blessings, he wants other people to receive blessings too. That is why I pray and hope that he becomes successful in the future, and he certainly will, and that he realizes all his dreams.

Maybe we should learn from him. Money does not make the world go round but it does help. Let’s all keep the balance, when we receive something good, we should share it too. We cannot bring wealth when we die, but we can leave our legacy and good deeds.