Let’s be brave alright? I tell myself this every single morning. I am not the strongest person in the room but I could be brave too. Life is still worth it, it is not always sunny but it will get better.
We all have our own problems, be it about finances, health, relationships and so on. The thing is, no matter how small or serious the problem is, you never compare yours with another person’s.
It’s one of those days again. I look around and I see everyone smiling. They have their own struggles too but it’s unlike mine, my struggles are inside my head.
The past few days, I’ve been having trouble getting up in bed. I would wake up late and just bury my face under my pillow and I think to myself… “Is it really worth it? Is waking up really worth it?”
I wake up, take a shower, feed the dogs, go to work, process documents, talk to Bunny, eat, go home, shower, sleep, wake up the next morning… and so on… I do this every day and slowly I feel myself getting lost in the process.
Is it really worth it? To do the same thing over and over again? Don’t get me wrong, I still try to be productive and I still try my best to make my relationship work but I’ve been feeling so down, self loathing… I’ve been feeling inadequate. I feel like I have nothing and I am not enough.
Truth is, I have a convenient life… I have a steady job, I have a family, I have savings, I have friends, I have a boyfriend but I still feel inadequate. When I was younger, I thought if i had the money, I would be happy… yes money does make things easier but it wouldn’t solve the emptiness I feel inside. It wouldn’t get the thoughts in my head.
All day, I would feel like one of these days something is going to go wrong… That one day, Bunny is going to leave me, that he is going to wake up and feel differently about me. Truth is, I trust him… I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I am really worth all the effort, the time, the investment. Since I haven’t proven anything yet, I haven’t even achieved anything yet, and I don’t even see myself as someone good at something. I usually ignore myself and focus on other people. I like making other people happy especially those I love, those who matter to me.
All the kind words mean nothing to me. It is easier for me to accept criticisms than compliments. I can hardly love myself and everything about me thinks I do not deserve any kind of love. I think it’s because I did almost everything by myself, growing up that is. Sure, my parents raised me, fed me, sent me to school… but i needed more than that, i didn’t get the support i wanted or the affection i needed. and because of that, i was conditioned that i didnt deserve them..
That is why I pour all my affection to other people. I am trying my best to make them feel loved and special and wanted. I want to save my loved ones from sadness because I couldn’t even save myself. It is addicting and it is consuming me alive. I couldn’t get out of it but I can try to save another soul.
And all these insecurities about myself just came crashing in. Parang ayaw ko na. (I feel like I don’t want to continue anymore). I would rest my head on my desk during my shift or just stare blankly at the wall. I would think about the things that could go wrong in my life, me losing my job, friends leaving, boyfriend breaking up with me, growing old alone and lonely… being stuck with the world I am living currently…
I would hear people laugh about small, petty things, over ridiculous jokes even if they’re having marital problems, or even if they’re lacking resources and I am just observing them with all the resources I have that they don’t have at the moment… I should feel at least a little relief but here I am, feeling sorry for myself for some reasons, for something I couldn’t fathom.’
I feel empty these days.