Why I like Apple Pies

Our house never had a baby in forever. I am not used to having a little kid constantly running around the house anymore.

I associate kids with responsibilities. Job is a responsibility. Kids and pets alike are responsibilities. Between the two, it’s easier to take care of a pet. You feed them and they will survive. Whilst in babies or little kids, you have to feed them, you have to bathe them, you have to constantly watch them and make sure they do not get hurt. Pets are so much easier. I can accidentally drop my dog and not feel too bad about it. Well i will feel bad and it will eventually go away. But i cannot accidentally drop a kid or a baby. Not in a thousand years.

I do not hate them, it’s just that I am not adult yet to take care of one. I cannot even take care of myself, let alone, another little human being. I admire them from afar. They are innocent and fun, and funny.

I like hearing stories about them especially babies, literally babies. It’s fun at first but i eventually get bored. I don’t understand the obsession of other people with babies. Yes they are cute, but they are boring. Their activities are boring. Eat, poop, sleep, and cry. That’s all they do. I’d rather have a little kid around, at least he can do something else except eat poop and sleep.

As i have written in my previous entry, I am very picky. I treat babies and kids the way I treat adults. I can hang out with some, not with everybody.

I have a little cousin who comes into our house. I am not mad but I am not delighted. The first five minutes is fine. The next minutes are kind of tiring. I have too much to think about and I feel disturbed when i see someone running back and forth. And he cries a lot too! I hate crying kids. I like kids who are fun and energetic but know when to sit down and behave accordingly.

Of course people will say, “they are kids. let them be kids, you were a kid once”, well when i was a kid, i was not a rascal. (LOL)

I like well-behaved and smart kids.

Just recently, i have developed fondness to a little kid and we call him “applepie”. I heard stories about him and he seems fun.

First time i heard about him was when they visited and he was watching a video. Alphabet song. A funny and weird one. A is for applepie, B is for banana and so on, hence the name applepie.

He just turned two and he wants to do things alone. He eats on a plate, with a spoon. I think he will grow up to be a foodie cause he eats almost everything. A two year old who eats vegetables and shawarma. (I like this kid! I approve of it) I trust kids who love food. But he is a wise one though. He has to see that the food is edible first before eating it. You have to eat first before he does. And he is generous. he will share his food.

He is an independent kid. He doesn’t pee or poop on the floor, he will tell you if he needs to use the bathroom too.
He is a sweet child. He likes cuddles and kisses. He doesn’t throw tantrums too. You can explain things to him and he will listen. I always joke about him being a 28 year old guy who shrunk into a 2-year old kid’s body.

I like listening to stories about him, how he just sits there and watches tv shows. He likes watching cars and real people. How he likes hanging out with his uncle and sticking to him. It’s funny how he clings to his uncle. I remember me being clingy to his uncle too. He constantly seeks attention but not in a bothersome way. Just like me. I think he is a smaller representation of me hahahahahahahaha!! Once the uncle was in the bathroom and he was knocking and calling him but did not get response, so instead of calling him ‘tito’ he called him by the first name. Whenever he misses his uncles and family, he will stand by the door and start saying “tito, mama, papa”. It’s like imagining a music video!

He is a funny kid too. It’s funny how he gets nervous when he thought he was being left out of the car. Cause he was so little and maybe he thought they have forgotten about him or they did not see him. It’s funny when he talks. He tells stories but since he is a little kid, he has his own vocabulary. I will just tell his uncle to nod even if he did not understand anything. I like the fact that he communicates. It’s funny how he knows how to say excuse me… “mi mi” in his terms. And how he calls the mouse, remote.

I remember when he picked up a kitten and placed it in his car. he gave it a joy ride. haha. I can just picture them playing. i know kids who pick up little animals and throw them away. I am glad he isn’t like that.

He likes hanging out with his uncles a lot. He is playful but not annoying. He has a lot of energy but he knows when to stay still. I think he knows how to behave in public too. He is an old soul.. but a charming little kid. And I can’t wait to hear more.

There are too many reasons why I don’t want to hang out with kids but if all the kids are like applepie, it would be awesome.:)


The Reasons Why I Will Die An Old Maid

1. I am picky.

I am picky in almost everything except for food. When I don’t like something, there’s no way I will ever like it. And it’s a problem.

I am picky when it comes to job. I have been offered other jobs and when I see something that I do not like, I immediately turn it down. I wasted a lot of opportunities just because of the petty things. But I am not unemployed. Well, I am currently employed and I have been working in the same company for more than three years. And in that span of three years, I have ranted a lot. I pick on everything. I always criticize everything. I do not like this or like that. There’s never a week that I did not feel upset because I didn’t really feel like doing tasks. I’d murmur to myself like crazy but in the end i’d still finish everything before the deadline.

I am picky when it comes to people too. Like how I treat jobs, when I see something that I do not like to a certain person, I would not deal with the person again, unless I have to. I am not friendly, I do not look friendly. I kind of look like a bitch. Although I know that we all have flaws, I really cannot associate with people who are on my “can never deal with this type of person list” but I do make exceptions though. When I like you, I like you. And if I like you and I am friendly with you, then you really are special because can become the most anti-social person if I want to.

2. I do not like going out.

The only reason I go out of the house is when I have to go to work or buy something. I can feel the anxiety when I see people. It’s like every stare is going to stab me. I do not like having to deal with people. No offense intended, I studied a bit of sign language as an escape tactic when I don’t want to talk to deal with strangers. Like you know, pretending to be deaf and mute because I am too lazy or i am not interested.

3. I love silence too much to give it up.

I can’t stand hearing constant noises. I do not like loud people. I do not like hearing vehicles. I do not like the sound of banging doors. I enjoy silence too much to give it up. I prefer to be alone. Or if there is someone else in the room, i will appreciate it if he can enjoy being alone together sometimes, without having the need to constantly communicate. Comfortable silence. I can be in a state where my head is up in space and I am unreachable, I am like half dead at times. And I’m not in the mood to listen to voices. Sometimes I need silence to think. I need silence to concentrate. It’s in silence that I find sanity.

4. I am willing to compromise but I hate arguments.. really.

There are no two persons alike and because of differences, arguments cannot be avoided.

Arguments stress me out so much. I do not like the heavy feeling when I am not in good terms with the person. I couldn’t sleep, eat or do anything. In order to have a solid relationship with other people, i have to be more understanding and have more patience. The problem is, i get annoyed in little things and that alone may lead to arguments. More often, when I get pissed off, i stay quiet and distant and i do not discuss things. It’s bothersome for me. But I know i have to communicate in order to fix the misunderstanding. I feel bad whenever I hurt other people’s feelings, especially if they are important to me. I may say hurtful words that’s why i always choose to keep quiet. And because of my unwillingness to converse and not explaining why, sometimes, the situation gets worse.

I have no problem in compromising things as long as it’s fair and beneficial for me and other people. The problem is, I don’t want any argument before that.

5. The adjustment

It’s hard to be in a situation where you have to constantly adjust. You cannot do whatever, wherever, whenever. Changes cannot be avoided and I have to adapt whether i like it or I don’t. It’s not just me anymore, there’s always another person or persons that I have to consider. I am used to eating alone. And sometimes I eat weird food. Whenever I am with other people, I have to consider if they would want to go with me or if they are allergic to something.

Whether little or big adjustment, it will be continuous. And the question is, can I keep with up with the changes? What if I get tired, can i just run away? There’s too much to think about. And if i decide to engage in a relationship, whatever relationship it may be, I have to give a part of me.

6. Freedom

Is any relationship worthy of giving up my freedom? I am being realistic here. Will the benefit of having somebody else outweigh the benefits of being alone? I mean, I can survive alone. I can do chores alone. I even worked in the office alone and I was happy.

I love being free. I love being able to decide things on my own. I love being free from any worries. I love being free to do things my way and i love being free from any burden from other people.

I can be happy alone but they say that happiness doubles when there is somebody to share it with. The idea may be true but it doesn’t necessarily apply to everybody

It’s hard to give up your freedom when you have been free for too long, especially when you have learned to be happy on your own. I wouldn’t deny that it can get lonely sometimes, but it wouldn’t kill you. It did not kill me. It will be awesome to have someone, but it is not necessary. It’s a matter of preference.

7. Anxiety

I am very anxious. Even when there is nothing wrong, I always feel that something is wrong. Even the slightest thing worries me.

I am not sure of myself. I know I am not perfect. I am not even likeable that’s why I find it weird when people want to become friends with me. Then I’ll start thinking that they just like me because they need something from me. Or i am in a relationship, I will worry that soon the other person will leave me because I am not the best person to be in a relationship with. That when he finds someone better, he will eventually break up with me.

I am very conscious about what other people might think about me. Having nothing much to offer, I feel no better. I’d rather be alone. By being alone, I do not have to worry about what other people might think about me. I don’t have to impress them. Even if I am not the best person, it wouldn’t bother me because I know I am not letting somebody down.

8. Trust issues

My wall is too high. I don’t trust people easily. It’s too scary to lay yourself out there and let people affect you. I am not ready to open up myself because I have too much weakness in me. I may appear tough but in reality, I break down all the time.

To give your trust to people is to let yourself become vulnerable. And I am not ready to show that vulnerable side of me. I have been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again. Like it or not, intentionally or unintentionally, people will hurt me. But as long as it is not someone I gave my trust to, it wouldn’t be that bad.

In a relationship, you have to trust the other person. It depends on how much you can give. But in my case, it’s either I give my full trust or none at all. And it’s too risky. I am not ready to take that risk yet. I am not ready to share my personal space yet. Besides, I am already contented with the people I gave my trust to.

9. Commitment

Commitment is such an intimidating word; it is such a scary thing to say.

I don’t think I have ever fully committed myself into something. I cannot even spend 8 hours working, like literally working. There’s always an excuse to do something else. I cannot commit to work, let alone, human relationships.

Human relationships are complex. Unlike in jobs, where you invest your time and talent, here, you have to invest your feelings, time, and mostly everything about you. You are dealing with a person, so you cannot commit half ass.

You will share a part of you, in all aspects. You will give, give in to something, give up something, compromise, argue about something, patch things up, lay yourself out there. You will not only think about yourself, you have to think about the other person too. And even if you didn’t want or intend to think about the other person, you will eventually do and sometimes it will be bothersome.

I cannot commit fully right now. I will be unfair to the other person. Even if I try to, it will never be enough. I am not getting younger and I am approaching my quarterlife but I know how important commitments are and I don’t want to engage into a relationship and fail to give what the other person deserve. If I cannot do boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, I can never be married.

10. I am neither pro marriage nor pro kids (as for now)

Most of my friends are either getting married and having a baby and here I am, eating corn. I also bought chocolates and now thinking about what to eat for lunch tomorrow. I don’t usually eat breakfast.

Had a typical day today. Went to work, talked to people, ate lunch, checked emails, ranted about some work and some people, drank orange juice, watched random clips, worked, went home, ranted about work and some people again and had dinner. I checked my facebook account and most of the posts are either about people’s relationships, eyebrows, filtered selfies and babies.

My gallery has a bunch of babies and little kids’ photos too. I would constantly receive them from my aunties, about my age, but already have families of their own. I can tell, they are obsessed with their kids. Well, I guess it’s normal that parents are obsessed with their babies. Also, parents’ siblings are obsessed with their nieces and nephews too. But I am not. I am neither obsessed with babies nor with little kids. But I don’t hate them.

I have never pictured myself having a pregnant belly. I have seen myself with beer belly and it’s easier to manage. Imagine, there’s a living creature inside your belly that you have to carry and take care of for nine months. How scary it is to think about having a little creature kicking and moving inside your belly. To be honest, when feel something in my belly I panic a little, let alone having a living thing in there. Everything is inconvenient. Walking, sleeping, eating, reaching for things et cetera. Too many downsides and the only upside is having a baby and I don’t even like the idea of constantly taking care of babies.

And if the process of pregnancy is not terrifying enough, how about giving birth? I will not give full details but you can just picture the normal birth like giving birth to a bowling ball and yes, the whole thing comes out of the vagina (not the butthole). And it can last for several hours! I cannot imagine the pain of trying to push out a baby out of your vagina. I cannot even tolerate the pain when I am constipated, I get headaches when I am trying to push the poop out and i feel like I’m dying. If you cannot do the pushing out thing, then do the Caesarian section where the doctors will do an incision in your belly and pull out the baby from there. Either, for me, is terrifying.

The Things I Wish You Could See

Creepy but there are times I wish that something divine switches our bodies and minds, even for a day, so you could see the way I see you and you could feel the way I feel about you. Maybe by then you will understand why I say the things that I say and believe me and enlighten your confusions about things that seem to be too weird for you.

It’s easier to insult than to give compliments and it is true. I live by that. And i find it puzzling that when you came, I was just so starstruck that I cannot dare say insults about you cause I can’t find any reason to. Compliments are coming out of my mouth like crazy. And whenever you feel confused why people show interest on you, you go to me and ask me about it. And it’s easy for me to explain it to you although a lot of times you will just feel more confused and shrug your shoulders and say “aaaaah” or just laugh it out. I find it adorkable though.

Yes, you are adorkable. Well you know what adorable means. And when I say dork, I don’t mean it like the dork we know, not the derogatory one. A lovable person who’s into intellectual or non-mainstream things instead of ‘trendy’, this is what I mean. You can but you may not object, by the way! This is my perception of you.

You’re amazing and you just need to understand why and sort of carry yourself knowing how amazing everyone else thinks you are. You have a lot about you that makes you an interesting person. Maybe you’re just weirded out by the fact that you have no common ground with other people and they are still coming onto you. Isn’t that a sign that there’s something magical about you?

You’ve always described yourself as boring. It has been five years and you still think of yourself that way. You think that the things you do and you enjoy might not be fun for other people. You think that there’s nothing special about you and that people are just maybe, weirded out or they are wondering why you seem a bit distant and once they get to know a part of you, they will just move on with their lives. And you think those are the normal people and the others who stay are the weird one.

I know while you’re reading this, you will just be like, “parang di naman” and after, you will say, “arte-arte”. Well yeah, just accept the fact na maarte talaga ako pagdating sayo. And nope, lahat ng sinasabi ko may basehan naman. Alangan naman mag imbento lang ako. lol!

Going back, I cannot say na ako na yung pinakanakakakilala sayo but I am confident that I know you enough to describe you. And at times, I do finish your sentences already. So maybe, try to see yourself using my eyes?

There’s nothing boring about you or about what you do. I think you’re one of the most fun person I have met. We’re both introvert but I do not consider us boring. Your mind is a wanderer. Remember that when we were younger we’d spend hours of talking on the phone, everyday? You’re the kind of person who is willing to talk about everything. And I don’t see anything boring with that. Just in case I haven’t told you enough, you are one of the few people who can hold conversations really well. You’re not the kind who will approach a stranger and start talking to him first. But you are the kind that when approached, will talk and actually make sense. Intelligent people can converse really well are fun. Therefore, you are fun.

Your work is fun. You do art. You create art and it’s one of the best things in the world. Being able to imagine things and turn them into something that we actually can see or hear is just amazing to me. You know sometimes we want things that wouldn’t really happen in real life. We have our fantasies. We have our dreams. And sometimes we want to create a world according to our wants, and you, being an artist, have the capacity to do that.

If you commit yourself into something, you really commit yourself to it.

You’re basically married to your work. You spend 80% of your time on it. And even when you’re away, your mind is still in it. And it’s great that you’re happy with your work. I am glad that you enjoy what you do. I think you’re at your best when you’re working. You sometimes feel that you’re being too perfectionist and I understand that. I see you as someone who wants the best result and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think you’re born to become a successful artist and CEO of your own company someday because not everybody will commit themselves to work as much as you do can. I can see you’re striving.

You are very thoughtful about other people. You want to understand why they behave that way and to some, you wonder what is up with their lives. You don’t reach out to them always but in your mind, you give thoughts about them and wish them good life. When something is not working out too well for them, you always listen and you try your best to help them in the way you can. And sometimes, when a situation is unusual, let’s say this person wants to ruin his life and you’ve done everything you can. You suggested, you advised, you tried to talk him out of it but he still insisted in doing dumb things, you feel like you can do so much more or should have done more and you feel a little guilt in you. You want to save people. You always do. I think that’s a special thing.

You value your family the most. You may not post photos of you and your family, or talk about them everyday, or tell them you love them all the time but in good times and in bad times, you’re the one who is always there to stay and do everything for them. Sometimes things get rough and you’re feeling upset and sad but you never left them. I know how hard it is to find peace, you what i am referring to, but I am proud of you for being strong and loving. You will be a good husband and a father someday. We may be joking about you and having your own family, but I am certain that you’ll be awesome.

You are sweet in your way. Although you are morbid at times, I still find it funny and cute. Sabi mo mas morbid, mas close. So yeah. You’re sweet in the simplest words. You are not the flower type of guy but you are full of surprises. You’re a busy person but still, you value relationships and still take time to say hi whenever you can. I think that’s just plain sweet.

It’s easy to trust you. You can ruin me if you want to. You could have done that when I did you wrong. But you did not. It’s easy to share the darkest part of me with you cause you wouldn’t judge or wouldn’t mind flaws. You’re the one person I can trust. And I can be myself around you without worrying. And I think people feel the same way too about you. It’s not easy to show our flaws to people but with you, I wouldn’t mind, not at all.

You may feel stress at times but they just make you strong. You’re stronger than before. There were ups and downs and even though it feels like at some point you’re gonna snap, you just kept going and moving. You never gave up. It’s not easy to be you. I would admit that. The pressure is too high. But I just admire you more for being so calm and showing grace under pressure.

You wish the best for everyone. You might get mad with people. They may do you wrong but you still forgive. You’re too good, you know. You told me once that like me, you are a hateful person too. But I know deep in my heart that you’re not. That the goodness in you defeats the dark sides.

You have a strong faith. You live by what you preach. Even if you feel like life is too hard on you, I think God favors you, in all honesty. You never gave up on Him and he will bless you.

You may appear quiet but your thoughts are crazy. Not many know about your weird thoughts and out of this world questions. And it’s surprising. You will ask if ants poop or why people like you. I mean, what’s not to like about you? 🙂

I’m Upset

I waited and waited and waited although I should not be waiting. I waited for your messages since this noon. I have always waited for your hi to me. I am not bitching. I will be describing the feeling of disappointment whenever I see your messages late.

I get it. I should not expect and should not feel hurt if you’re busy with something and honestly, I am happy for you. I am happy that you’re busy with work. I know you know that already. I understand the situation. I am not even your significant other. I know where I stand. This is a case of an unrequited love. This is a case of an ex who’s stuck on the same ground for three years. And a person who just wants to talk to you for as much as she can.

Nope, this is not supposed to make you feel guilty and nope, there’s no need to tell me that I should move on with my life and stop waiting. Nope, I am not asking for time and nope, I am not trying to make you look bad. You’re not at fault here.

There’s a feeling of loneliness here and you’re the cure. A simple text from you takes it away, you know. And I don’t want you to feel obligated. I am not being clingy and I don’t want you to think that I am being too attached. These are just my feelings. I am not acting on them so don’t let them affect yours!

It makes me feel upset whenever I see it late and I wasn’t able to respond. It’s like getting your birthday present a month after your birthday. That’s how it feels. I don’t want to keep you waiting too.There’s a thrill in getting a message from someone. I feel excited whenever I hear that simple notification tone. There’s joy in receiving something that you are waiting for, at the right time. Being too dramatic? Making it a big deal? Yes, maybe. But there’s a reason for that.

I am thankful that you still keep in touch with me. I appreciate it a lot. I am thankful for sparing me your time; for making me laugh and for taking my loneliness away. I should not expect anything from you, that’s clear to me. But i can’t help but wish that you continue being here. (It’s too selfish and I am not going there!c:) It’s too much, but I treat every single text you send me as the last text I will receive from you. That’s how important they are to me. Who knows what’s going to happen. Will you still talk to me the day after tomorrow? What if you get so fed up with me and you just want to be alone and not talk to me. I can’t predict the future. lol. Might as well talk to you as if it’s the last time we will so I wouldn’t feel any regret in the future and tell myself that “if only i could go back in time then…”.

Don’t feel different about me now that you know how I feel about us keeping in touch. Pretend that you don’t know. Bottomline is, I am really grateful that you’re around.